Your Best September

The SF Hunt, D.C. Edition September 24

This one’s simple: 1 city; 12 hours; over 100 riddles. The Hunt is a huge, city-wide scavenger hunt. Originally started in San Francisco, the spectacle makes its way to D.C. on September 24. Teams of two to four run, walk, bike, or take public transportation around the city, using a dedicated phone app to discover hidden areas and solve clues and riddles that lead teams to new locations around DC; each location then has a new experience…maybe you’ll search for a hidden phrase…or maybe you’ll arm wrestle a stranger. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW. Dress up in a crazy costume (or don’t)! Take it seriously (or don’t)! (Awards include the Buzz Aldrin Award for the longest distance traveled or the Average Joe Award for the most average team.) Regardless of how much you try, it’s a great opportunity to team up with some buddies and check out parts of DC you might not otherwise see. Awesome prizes are up for grabs (concert tickets, $500 in Lyft credit, kayaks, bear suits, etc.), and there’s a huge afterparty with free beer from New Belgium, prizes from the North Face and Lululemon, and a free lunch from local darlings Sweetgreen. This is going to be an awesome day-long event. -Logan Hollers

QS World Grad School Tour September 26

There is no better adventure than educating yourself so why not take that next step? In fact, why not take it ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD! Come to the Renaissance Dupont Circle Hotel September 26th for all your international grad school needs. You’ll have the opportunity to meet fact to actual face with admissions directors from top-ranked schools, learn about the best Masters and PhD programs ALL OVER THE WORLD and here’s my favorite part: Find out how you can tap into $1.7M worth of exclusive scholarships to fund your postgraduate degree. It’s time to get out there and be someone, someone with a job that maybe has a 401K because we all know your social security will be completely depleted by the time you’re old enough to collect it. – Jennifer Tisdale

FotoWeek Competitions

The festival is not till November (Save the date!) But the competitons are live. Three categories for competition offer a unique chance to win cash and other prizes and gain exposure during the FotoWeekDC Festival (including having your work shown at the National Geographic Museum) and on all FotoDC online platforms. Enter today!

Caitlin Teal Price: Stranger Lives @ Katzen Arts Center Opening Reception September 6, runs through September 19

Just as the summer is wrapping up, Caitlin Teal Price invites us to Stranger Lives a photographic typology of sunbathing New Yorkers on the stretch of sand between Coney Island and Brighton Beach. The 40 life sized images on display at the Katzen Art Center were shot from above with a Mamiya RZ 6×7 Camera and Kodak Portra film between 2008 and 2015. These sharply focused portraits encourage you to stare, to wonder and to fantasize about the lives of strangers. The scars, veins, and wrinkles on the skin, the pattern on the blanket, the style, and placement of shoes and accessories, can all be read as signifiers of identity, class, and desire within a life beyond the frame. -Svetlana Legetic

Visions and Revisions @ Renwick September 9-January 8

Some brand new art is coming to D.C.’s most Instagrammable museum. Since the departure of (some) of the Wonder collection, we’ve been waiting to see what the Renwick would do next, and while it’s not the lines around block art we’ve come to expect, it still looks cool as hell. Made up of pieces from four different artists who work with a variety of mediums (including some very beautiful porcelain work), Visions and Revisions is looking to exploring our constant connection with the past and present. What I’m trying to say is, whether you’re into art or not, it looks sweet. -Kaylee Dugan

The Prismatic @ Korean Cultural Center September 9-26

Arts collective The Prismatic has a new self-titled exhibit on display at the Korean Cultural Center opening September 9th. Each of the seven members of The Prismatic is from a different discipline (including a sculpture, graphic design and ceramics) and the exhibit thematically explores the human condition and individuality. On opening night, there will be a reception featuring an in-person introduction by each of the artists in The Prismatic. -Tam Sackman

Carolyn Lacey + Muriel Hasbun: Calling to You  @ Civilian Art Projects September 10-October 22

Civilian Art Projects launches its 11th season with “Muriel Hasbun & Caroline Lacey: Calling to You,” a photographic exhibition about legacy, the construction of memory, and cultural identity. The exhibition opens on September 10, and will be on view until October 22, 2016. There is a public reception for the artists on Saturday, September 10th, from 7 to 9 p.m. -Svetlana Legetic

Smithsonian National Museum of African American History & Culture opens September 24

D.C. hasn’t had a new Smithsonian since the opening of the National Museum of the American Indian in 2004, and it’s difficult to imagine something more overdue than the National Museum of African American History & Culture. We’ve been staring at its daring architecture for years, and I honestly cannot wait to get inside and check out the exhibits. Covering a broad variety of topics, from sports, popular culture, religion, military service, and so much more, the museum sounds like it is truly going to be a sight to behold. Tickets for the opening weekend are already gone, but hopefully we’ll be able to check everything out very soon. -Kaylee Dugan

Art + Science Series @ Hirshhorn September 29

Art and Science? Yes, that’s the theme of the upcoming series taking place in conjunction with the Hirschhorn’s Suspended Animation exhibit, talking about that not-so-distant future where man and machine become one. September’s event is called “Digital Doppelgangers” and it features artist Josh Kline, who made that freaky video of a digital Obama recreating a famous speech that’s on display in Suspended Animation right now, and Stanford Professor Matthias Niessner. -Tam Sackman

No Man’s Land @ NMWA + opening reception after hours on September 29

In the mood to see some Yayoi Kusama while you await her full retrospective to hit DC in 2017? How about Mickalene Thomas, Jennifer Rubell and essentially a who’s-who of most celebrated contemporary female artists? Well, you’re in luck. National Museum of Women in the Arts invites you to NO MAN’S LAND, a provocative survey of contemporary art by women from one of the largest and most diverse collections in the U.S.—the Rubell Family Collection. To kick things off, the museum is hosting an after hours reception the day BEFORE the exhibition opens in earnest, on August 29th. Open bar, great music, and more.  Grab tickets here. -Svetlana Legetic

Good Vibrations: My Life as a Beach Boy by Mike Love available September 13

Listen up, fans of unreliable narrators: Mike Love wrote a damn book. The worst Beach Boy ever is here to tell us about how he was the best Beach Boy ever and honestly this will probably be a ridiculous and fun read despite the man’s inherent villainy. Don’t worry, true believers, I Am Brian Wilson comes out in October and will act as a cleansing fire, healing all the ridiculous inanity of all that came before. All that said though, Good Vibrations: My Life as a Beach Boy by Mike Love is probably still worth leafing through, you know? -Matt Byrne

Atlas Obscura: An Explorer’s Guide to the World’s Hidden Wonders by Josh Foer, Dylan Thuras and Ella Morton available September 20

Atlas Obscura, which is like Trip Advisor without the terrible Yelp-y type parts, is publishing their first book, a collection of some of the most unique and interesting sights to see around the world. A bar in a tree? Sure! A hole in the ground with fire happening inside called The Gates of Hell? You got it! Get this book, your life will be more interesting afterwards! -Matt Byrne

Based on a True Story: A Memoir by Norm MacDonald available September 20

If you need to be convinced to buy and immediately read all of Norm MacDonald’s new memoir, I don’t know what to tell you, my dude. It’s Based on a True Story: A Memoir and I trust our guy Norm to have turned out a compelling, unexpectedly touching collection of tales from his weird life in showbiz. -Matt Byrne

National Book Festival @ Washington Convention Center September 24

It’s harder for me to imagine a more inclusive and feel-good festival. Everyone likes books, at least a little bit. Bring your roommate who is only into teen lit. Invite your conservative parents. Hit up your movie snob friends. There will probably be a author, panel discussion, or book for them. Highlights this year include a presentations by Stephen King, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Shonda Rhimes, Bob Woodward, Salman Rushdie, and so much more. You really can’t go wrong. -Kaylee Dugan

Banned Books Week September 26-October 1,+ Uncensored Party September 30

Launched in 1982 in response to a surge in the number of challenges to books in schools, bookstores and libraries, Banned Books Week is the national book community’s annual celebration of the freedom to read. Every year, the DC Public Library joins hundreds of libraries and bookstores around the country in drawing attention to the problem of censorship by mounting displays of challenged books and hosting a variety of events, with an always delightful series of programs, culminating in Uncensored: the cocktail party, which is one of BYT’s favorite events every Fall and something we are very proud to media sponsor. -Svetlana Legetic

Grapes with the Apes @ National Zoo September 1

Here comes the National Zoo, with yet another food and/or booze-themed rhyming event. Like Brew at the Zoo and Boo at the Zoo, this one is awesome. Grapes with the Apes, held on September 1st (so, like, tonight), is an event designed to do two things: raise funds for the continued upkeep of the Great Ape House (home to the Zoo’s six western lowland gorillas) and allow guests the opportunity for an up close and personal view of the primates while sipping on award-winning local and national wines. Live music, local food trucks, and a commemorative wine glass only add to the experience. This one time I went to the zoo (not a huge fan of animals in captivity in general, but I went); I was chilling in the Great Ape House, and this gorilla came over and sat and stared at me. We totally locked eyes and had a moment for like a solid 60 seconds. I felt guilty. I was also happy I wasn’t on the other side of the glass. That was a weird story, but a long way of saying you should make it to this event, support the admittedly noble conservation efforts of the Zoo, and try to connect with (and empathize with, maybe?) the huge, awesome, one step away from humans, gorillas. -Logan Hollers

Atlas 3rd Anniversary Party @ Atlas Brew Works September 10

2016 has brought a lot of change to Atlas Brew Works. The Ivy City brewery opened a slick new taproom. It promoted Daniel Vilarrubi to head brewer. The production team refined its procedures and purchased new equipment to make beers like Rowdy, Ponzi, and District Common taste even better. And it rolled out three summer beers, one of which – Dance of Days – is one of the best local beers of the year. (Explore all of these developments in greater depth with our Freshly Tapped: Dance of Days profile.) So, if you haven’t been to Atlas in a while, it might be time for a visit.

You won’t find a better excuse for one than the brewery’s third anniversary party on Saturday, September 10. Tickets cost $15, which gets you admission to the party and your first beer, plus a donation to Living Classrooms Foundation. Once inside, you’ll be able to roam the taproom, Atlas’ outside bench area, and the production side of the brewery. So, you know, go crazy and wear sneakers. And as in years past, Atlas has brewed an anniversary beer to mark the occasion. This year, that beer is Rowdier, an imperial version of its flagship rye pale ale. Bold move, Atlas.

Agatha Christie Literary Cocktails @ Petworth Citizen September 15

Speaking of books and cocktails, the Literary Cocktails series at Petworth Citizen has been one of our favorite Friday things in town, and this “marriage of alcohol and murder” edition is almost too perfect to miss. Chantal Tseng tackles the queen of civilized crime and best-selling author of all time in her Washington Post-approved #GetLit Literary Cocktail series: Dame Agatha Christie. Bring in a stack of books, or pop next door to Upshur Street Books to grab one, and join us for DC’s booziest celebration of books. Hope none of the cocktails smell of almonds* (or do we hope that they do?). -Svetlana Legetic

Snallygaster @ The Yards September 17

If you’re a beer nerd, the average beer festival may have three or four beers that you’re really excited to try. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Beer festivals are a great way for breweries to get their flagship or seasonal offerings in front of new customers. Plus, good beer is a good beer, whether you’re drinking it for the first or seventy-third time. But sometimes it’s hard to justify the price of admission.

Snallygaster is an entirely different story, though. Now in its fifth year, the festival is designed to attract the most discerning craft beer fans. It’s line-up is an insane 350-beers deep, and it is loaded with hard-to-find imports, DC debuts, and just generally delicious beer. Trying to pick highlights is a laughable endeavor. OK, fuck it, here are some that jump out right now: RAR and Aslin’s Walk of Shame (a blonde ale with coffee and cocoa); J. Wakefield’s Miami Madness (a Berliner Weisse with mango, guava, and passion fruit); The Veil’s Sleeping Forever imperial stout and its vaunted Master Master Shredder Shredder Double IPA; Maine Beer’s Lunch IPA; Manor Hill’s Citra Splendor IPA… You get the idea? You get the idea.

Tickets cost $35, though it only covers a handful of drink and food tickets. The VIP option, meanwhile, gets you in an extra 90 minutes early, and it affords you the opportunity to snag those whales before the General Admission plebeians. And as a super extra added bonus: Speed Ortiz is playing. That rules so hard. Revisit Kate Flynn’s interview with the band here. -Phil Runco

DC Beer Week September 24-October 1

For the past seven years, DC Beer Week has gotten bigger and better with each iteration. There’s no reason to think the 2016 edition will be any different.

If you’re unfamiliar, here’s the deal: For eight days and nights, DMV breweries descend upon the district for dozens of events spread all over town. Those events include beer dinners, regionally themed or style-centric tastings, tap takeovers, and so much more. I literally went to a cookie-beer pairing last year.

This year’s slate is still being announced, but so far it includes: the fourth annual BrewHaHa kickoff at Old Ebbit; Port City’s Virginians-only Commonwealth Classic at the Heurich House; a beer cocktail competition at DBGB; and Denizens’ second Make It Funky festival, which focuses on wild and sour beers.

Watch this space for more events as we get closer to September 24. And check out my Draft Picks monthly beer guide for more information about some of these events. -Phil Runco

DC Shorts Film Festival September 8-18

The District is rife with film festivals. Between AFI Docs, Environmental Film Festival, and Fantastic Films, at any given time you could be going to film festival screenings and not even realize. DC Shorts is one of my personal favorites, because you get to see such a wide variety of styles, genres, and quality all in one showcase. There are romance films, docs, horror, mystery. There are films by established directors and films by people who have never made a short before. Much like short stories, there is an art to the short film, and the DC Shorts Film Festival is showing off some of the best. -Kaylee Dugan

Author: The JT LeRoy Story in theaters September 9

Jeff Feuerzeig is responsible for two of the best documentaries about underground rock music ever made: Half Japanese: The Band That Would Be King and The Devil and Daniel Johnston, both of which captured intimate moments that help shed light on the idiosyncratic personalities behind some of the most innovative and compelling music of the 1980s & 90s. Feuerzig is now bringing his singular knack for nonfiction filmmaking to the literary world with Author: The JT Leroy Story, the twisty-turny tale of one of the biggest scandals to ever rock the publishing world. -Matt Byrne

Blair Witch in theaters September 16

For months it was only billed as The Woods, teased as the latest film from horror auteur Adam Wingard, responsible for the very good You’re Next and the nearly perfect The Guest, before being revealed as a sequel to The Blair Witch Project at one comic con or another a few months ago. Whatever it’s called this thing looks cool as hell and I’m very much looking forward to seeing it. -Matt Byrne

Operation Avalanche in theaters September 16

Wikipedia bills Operation Avalanche as an “American-Canadian found footage conspiracy thriller film” and if that doesn’t get you excited we are different kindsa dudes, okay? It’s about a couple of guys in the 1960s who end up stuck in the middle of NASA’s plan to fake the moon landing. I love it already and I am not even CLOSE to having seen it yet. -Matt Byrne

Sumo Stew DC @ Right Proper Brewing Company’s Brookland Production House + Tasting Room September 13

If you A.) love Japan, or B.) love good food (or, like me, C.) love Japan and good food), you need to make it to Right Proper on September 13th. The creators of Brooklyn, NY’s Sumo Stew are bringing the show to DC. Here’s what’s on tap: Japanese alcohol (that means amazing whiskies), sumo wrestling on TV, bento boxes, and, best of all, a huge pot of chankonabe, a Japanese stew that sumo wrestlers commonly wolf down to put on mad weight. Think of a large, family-style hot pot, but with way more protein and designed to be served in massive quantities and eaten with a shitload of beer to wash it down. That’s chankonabe. The DC version will feature a miso dashi broth with chicken and pork meatballs, shrimp, salmon, cabbage, and mushrooms. And those bento boxes? They’re going to be filled by guest chefs from some of DC’s best restaurants (Toki, Red Hen, Hazel, to name a few) giving their takes on Asian cuisine. Tickets are $50. That’s a steal. Kanpai! -Logan Hollers

DCVegFest @ Yards Park September 24

DCVegFest is a free festival held right down by Nationals Park on September 24 that highlights the many benefits of choosing plant-based foods. Sounds crunchy, sure (and it is), but it’s also a hell of a good time. Tons of free food samples, more than 130 vendors, a beer garden, a kids’ zone, live music, cooking demonstrations, and talks from authors and celebrities. Best of all: it’s FREE. Bring your dog, try some bites and beers, and resolve to cut back on meat. -Logan Hollers

Angel Olsen My Woman available September 2

I hope I never meet Angel Olsen. I mean, I’ve interviewed her before, and that was a nice time, but the way I think about her is based largely on her music, which is other-worldly good. And so I don’t want to meet her, because then it would hit extra home that she (like all of us) is a human navigating this blue planet, and I like to imagine her as having a more mystical incarnation than that. Anyway, I don’t plan on meeting her anytime soon, but I do plan on listening to her new record for a renewed sense of amazement, and I think you should, too. -Megan Burns

Khruangbin @ DC9 September 6

This Texas based band put out a sleeper hit with their debut album, The Universe Smiles Upon You – one of the most sonically interesting records I’ve heard in a while. They have a reputation for putting on great live performances, and it’s not often that you have a chance to see a Thai funk inspired band on this side of the world. Grab a drink on the rooftop to keep the Labor Day party going, then pop downstairs to melt your worries away. -Jose Lopez-Sanchez

Kanye West, The Saint Pablo Tour @ Verizon Center September 8

I guess most people have very strong opinions about Kanye at this point, which means you’ve either been looking forward to this show for months, or you are having an allergic reaction to thinking about Mr. West. All I can say is that this man is the best entertainer I have seen in my life, and I cannot wait to see what he has in store for us next week. ULTRALIGHT BEAMS. -Jose Lopez-Sanchez

Pansy Division Quite Contrary available September 9

Legendary queercore band Pansy Division is one of the most underrated bands in punk rock, responsible for some of the most hilarious, charming, and catchy pop-flecked punk music ever written. Quite Contrary  comes just in time for the band’s 25th anniversary, Based on track titles alone, the band looks to be showcasing a newfound maturity, no gleefully puerile track names like “He Whipped My Ass in Tennis (Then I Fucked His Ass in Bed)” or “20 Years of Cock” or “Bill & Ted’s Homosexual Adventure,” there’s the more introspective sounding “Work on it, Babe” and “(Is This What It’s Like) Getting Old.” I can’t wait to listen to this thing and unlock what secrets these song names hold. -Matt Byrne

Psychic Twin Strange Diary available September 9

Just last week I sat down with Erin Fein (founding member of Psychic Twin) in a Greenpoint diner to talk about this record. Written during a tumultuous, post-unraveled-marriage period of time, it’s not only a major triumph, but it’s FUCKING WONDERFUL TO LISTEN TO. “Strangers” is one of the tracks I’m most stoked on; if you’re into the Stranger Things theme song, you will understand exactly what I’m on about as soon as you hear it for yourself. I could not recommend this more // SHOUTING IT FROM THE INTERNET ROOFTOPS, BITCHES. -Megan Burns

Blood Orange @ Lincoln Theatre September 13

Dev Hynes is a sensitive soul, an empath, and a genius. As an artist, he reinvents himself every record, and is continuously grappling with tough issues and conversations – about race, gender identity, police brutality, and a sense of belonging, all themes that vibrate throughout Freetown Sound, his latest release. He hasn’t done much by way of public performing since 2013’s Cupid Deluxe, and this show at Lincoln Theatre promises to be really special. -Jose Lopez-Sanchez

Still Corners Dead Blue available September 16

I really love Still Corners, but I am beyond stoked to have new material from the band; I had set “Fireflies” as my alarm clock for a while because I liked it so well, but as anyone who’s not a morning person and who’s tried to incorporate good songs into the wake-up routine knows, you can become quickly embittered. I think we can expect great things, though, and while we wait I’ll be listening to “Endless Summer” nonstop, because ACCURATE. -Megan Burns

Die Antwoord Mount Ninja And Da Nice Time Kid available September 16

Do I really have to say anything here? I think we’re all fucking stoked to see what these mad (mad like the British mad, aka insane, not like, angry, although maybe they are that too, I don’t know) motherfuckers have up their South African sleeves. (Looking especially forward to the music videos.) -Megan Burns

Farm Aid – September 17

Willie Nelson’s non-profit puts on one of the most all American good times shows (for a great cause) every year and with everyone from Neil Young to Strughill Simpson to Nathaniel Rateliff and Alabama Shakes on the bill for the DC September throw-down, you almost can’t afford to kick off the harvest season any other way. Get tickets and learn more about the cause HERE.

Hamilton Leithauser + Rostam I Had A Dream You Were Mine available September 23

After The Walkmen went on hiatus a few years ago, more than half the band got to work preparing solo albums, which have up to this point ranged in quality from good to very good. I Had A Dream You Were Mine is the second album released by Walkmen frontdude Hamilton Leithauser using his own name, and he’s splitting the bill with former Vampire Weekend member/sonic craftsman/multi-instrumentalist Rostam Batmanglij. Rostam’s ear for off-kilter pop production helped make VW’s Modern Vampires of the City the band’s finest album and one of my favorite records of the decade and I can’t wait to hear what he brings to the table, working with Leithauser’s more old-fashioned, ‘70s singer-songwriter-indebted style. -Matt Byrne

LVL UP Return To Love available September 23

Lo fi DIY punk dudes LVL UP’s third album represents a massive leap for the band, both sonically and businessly, making the transition from working with scrappy punk labels like Exploding in Sound and Double Double Whammy to the big daddy dogs at Sub Pop Records. Return To Love is their strongest album yet, a fuzzy collection of guitar driven, Mount Eerie-indebited jammers that I can’t wait to listen to over and over and over. -Matt Byrne

Princess @ 9:30 Club – September 25

OH OKAY SO MAYA RUDOLPH AND GRACE LIEBERUM ARE IN A PRINCE COVER BAND CALLED PRINCESS. I WOULD DIE FOR THEM. – Jenn Tisdale

ADAM RUINS EVERYTHING LIVE! w/ Adam Conover @ 9:30 Club – September 26

If you’re not watching Adam Ruins Everything (maybe because you don’t have cable and his show is on truTV and you’re like WHAT’S THAT) then you’re only ruining yourself. Conover delightfully tackles all you thought you knew and breaks it down until you no longer understand what’s real. He sounds like the perfect boyfriend. – Jenn Tisdale

The Bird and the Bee @ Black Cat – September 29

Perfect, super smart, super catchy pop-music. That’s all you need to know.

BYT + Nat Geo Present: Freaks & Greeks, a National Geographic After Hours September 9

Our Nat Geo collaboration is always one of our favorite events of the year, and the 2016 edition looks as good, if not better than others: Dan Deacon, French Horn Rebellion, Ecotone and Smudge are DJing, there are explorer talks and giant flip cups, and drag queens and all sorts of other cool stuff. And you, obviously you. $25 tickets are on SALE NOW, price goes up day of. GRAB THEM HERE.

50 Years of Star Trek @ National Air and Space Museum September 8, 9, 10

It’s been half a century since Captain Kirk and his culturally diverse posse boldly went where no nerd had gone before. To celebrate, the National Air and Space Museum is inviting fans of the world-wide science fiction phenomenon to partake in three night geekfest sponsored by Roddenberry Foundation. Thursday will feature a screening of the show’s first episode introduced by Rod Roddenberry, the son of Trek creator Gene Roddenberry. Friday’s agenda includes IMAX screenings of two documentaries, For the Love of Spock and Building Star Trek. For Saturday’s event–which is for over 21s only–guests will be invited to get hammered and do a spot of stargazing while they explore the Smithsonian gardens. Sign me up, Scotty! -Norm Quarrinton

Adams Morgan Day September 11

It’s time to give back to the community you regularly destroy with jumbo slice trash, vomit, and other drunk people detritus. I don’t know if any of you guys have been to Adams Morgan in the daytime recently, but it’s a great little place with nice local shops and restaurants, and not just a boozy destination (although, it is also that). Go celebrate the diversity, quality, and over all loveliness of one of the first neighborhoods you (probably) visited when you first came to D.C. Oh, and try to make it to one of the fundraisers too. -Kaylee Dugan

H Street Festival September 17

The H Street Festival, DC’s premier neighborhood event is, straight-up, one of the best days of the year in DC. I even say this as a jaded H St. resident who usually wants to keep people away from “my spots.” But for one day a year, at least, I’m cool with it. Come enjoy everything that makes H St. great: local businesses that actually know regulars’ names and care about people; unique artists and vendors selling all manner of wares; and a genuine happiness to share with others the fun side of the neighborhood. No need to drive – it’s packed. Take the metro to Union Station or jump on the X2 across the Hopscotch Bridge. Then work your way down from 4th to 14th, stopping in for beers, food, and absurdity the entire way. Realizing I’ll have to miss this event this year almost made me cancel my trip to Thailand. Have twice as much fun so I can live vicariously through you. -Logan Hollers

The Smile Project Carnival + Concert September 22-25

The fine folks of Broccoli City have quietly been building toward a FULL BLOWN CARNIVAL in the parking lot of RFK to promote, you guessed it, smiling! It’s much more than that. The mission, should you choose to accept it (don’t except it) is to promote a positive mental attitude towards school by getting kids excited about education. And bonus…THE ZIPPER! – Jenn Tisdale

The Incredible Food Race debuts September 7 on Discovery Family Channel

The Incredible Food Race is like The Amazing Race but with more food, a much smaller budget, and more family bonding. Produced originally for Food Network Canada, this month we finally get a taste of this summer camp team building exercise ass cooking challenge. Sure, Iron Chef is like never on anymore and every other Chopped episode seems like some sort of theme-y or stunt-based garbage, but at least there are new breaths of fresh air like this!!!!! -Matt Byrne

Documentary Now! returns September 14 on IFC

Fred Armisen and Bill Hader’s insanely well-made series of documentary parodies Documentary Now! is super underrated and will be returning for a second season later this month. Armisen and Hader bring the weirdest parts of each other out, showcasing pitch-perfect impersonations and dead on replications of such legendary documentaries as Grey Gardens, Jiro Dreams of Sushi, and Stop Making Sense. It’s a good show!!!!!!!!!!!! -Matt Byrne

Worst Cooks in America: Celebrity Edition premieres September 14 on Food Network

Dean Cain. Ellen Cleghorne. JWoww. These are just a few of the huge names you’ll have the chance to see fuck up a quiche on Worst Cooks In America: Celebrity Edition. Take all the ridiculous ineptitude of past seasons of Worst Cooks In America and add 100% more celeb-itude and you’ve got a *~*recipe for hilarity~*~ -Matt Byrne

South Park returns September 14 on Comedy Central

America has never needed South Park more than it does right now. Not only has 2016 given us the ugliest presidential campaign (with the two least-popular candidates) in U.S. history, we’ve had to endure it without Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert on Comedy Central. The network’s flagship cartoon satire has a lot of slack to pick up, particularly considering it’s operating on abbreviated seasons. Give ’em hell, boys. -Tristan Lejeune

The Case Of: JonBenét Ramsey September 18 on CBS

It’s hard to believe JonBenét Ramsey disappeared* 20 years ago. In this six hour docuseries investigators go balls to the wall while delving into this case. They even go as far as to rebuild her entire house within a 50,000 square foot warehouse so they can PHYSICALLY TEST OUT WHAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED. This is going to be insane. – Jenn Tisdale

Transparent returns September 23 on Amazon Prime

Despite all its problems (namely the one where Jeffrey Tambor plays the role of a trans woman), this is one of my favorite shows OF ALL TIME. It returns for a third season on September 23rd, and this big idiot (you can’t see if but I am pointing to myself) prematurely took advantage of an Amazon Prime month-long trial on August 13th, but YOU can still hack the planet and subscribe for a free thirty days starting immediately to binge it REAL HARD and then cancel before you have to actually pay. (Recommended move.) -Megan Burns

Urinetown @ Constellation Theatre Now-October 9

14th Street’s Constellation Theatre Company started the year off very, very strong with their production of Equus; now let’s see how they transition to fall with their production of this Tony-winning musical comedy. Set in a town where a severe drought leads to a ban on private commodes, the show is like Anyone Can Whistle stuffed with toilet humor. -Tristan Lejeune

Angels in America @ Roundhouse Theatre September 7-October 30

The only problem with staging a modern theatrical classic is the sky-high expectations. If you’re the Roundhouse Theatre in Bethesda and you’re doing Angels in America, that problem is essentially doubled: the monumental show about AIDS in Reagan-era New York is actually two plays. The first, “Millennium Approaches,” opens September 7; the second, “Perestroika,” joins the party on September 25 and runs until October 30. Particularly exhausting for the cast will be the six dates (Oct. 5, 8, 15, 19, 22, and 29) the two halves are performed back-to-back. Tony Kushner’s masterpiece has won Tonys, Emmys, Golden Globes, and a Pulitzer. So, you know, no pressure. -Tristan Lejeune

BioShock: The Collection available September 13

Like every popular video game franchise, the critically acclaimed and universally adored BioShock series is finally getting the inevitable remaster/re-release treatment. I was a latecomer to the BioShock franchise. BioShock Infinite–the third game in the series–had already been out for a few months by the time I started playing the first one. It’s pretty remarkable that I managed to avoid having the game’s intricate plot spoiled for me in the six years between its release and my completion of it. Despite some clunky control issues, it’s a stunning game with as much style as substance. We don’t really need to discuss the first sequel, which was made by a different team and is essentially a glorified epilogue to its predecessor. With BioShock Infinite, however, the series reached a stunning and heartbreaking crescendo. Infinite is one of the most jaw-droppingly engaging games of all time, and I can’t wait to play it on a slightly better console than the one on which I first played it. -Norm Quarrinton