Word up, y’all! I just got back from Dinah Shore weekend. If you’re not a dyke, then you have no clue what I’m talking about… It’s basically lesbian spring break in the middle of the CA desert. I am wornnn out! Thank God I have RPDR to help ease my transition back into hetero-normative daily life. Sigh.
So, last week Ru told Michelle Visage, Santino and Billy B to decide on one queen to bring back to the show. The three judges voted, and unanimously decided to bring back… Carmen Carrera!
Raja: “It’s a Heather, it’s a Heather!”
Alexis: “It’s f*cking Carmen.”
Onto the mini challenge. The girls are brought outside to the Badonkadonk Dunk Machine. Each girl gets to dunk the queen of her choice. The girl who dunks her victim the most times in two minutes wins the challenge. Raja and Manila were clearly never meant to be on a softball team. Carmen’s used to having balls thrown at her face.
Alexis dunks Yara 14 times. That butch queen just don’t stop! Alexis wins the mini challenge.
The girls head back to the work room, and five hetero jocks walk in–bringing much enjoyment, excitement and arousal to the room. Snap snap! Ru tells the girls that for their main challenge, they are to transform their straight jocks into sister-esque drag queens and cheerleaders for a day, complete with the performance of a cheer that advocates safe sex. Since Alexis won the mini challenge, she gets to assign each girl with a jock. Guest judges this week are Margaret Cho and the adorable Sharon Osbourne. Girl by girl, here we go:
Manila is given Matt, who “plays baseball hard.” Manila wonders if the girls will have to teach the boys how to tuck. So, she tells Matt about the magical cavity in the male body that is like a winter cabin for the balls. Thank God I have no idea what she’s talking about. During their practice round on the runway, Manila tells Matt to strike a feminine pose, not like he’s popping a squat in the woods.
Alexis: “Matt is just like Manila—completely obnoxious.” Their cheer announces that abstinence is for boogers (I’m sure the Bush administration would love that PSA). And for their glamorous sister look, OF COURSE Manila chooses Asian outfits and fans, etc. But, the judges love the pair, so Manila wins the challenge this week.
Yara is assigned Drew, and asks: “So you’re straight? Nobody’s perfect.” Drew refuses to shave his “jungle hair” and then proceeds to throw a football around the workroom, much to Yara’s chagrin. When Ru visits them and sees that Yara is trying to make Drew pass in a pair of low-heeled shoes, Ru says she wants to see Liz Hurley f*ck me pumps on the runway. Don’t we all?
During their runway practice, Yara tells Drew to look at the judges like you want to f*ck them. Then they do some echa pa lante moves. Summary of their cheer: “Wrap your dick, wrap-wrap your dick!” Yara apparently can’t spell W-R-A-P. Drew must have paid attention to Yara, because during their glamour walk the Yara sisters have matching “don’t f*ck with me” looks on their faces, like “Madonna after yoga.” The judges think they look like Hart in the disco era. Yara is safe this week.
Alexis chooses flirty-flirty water polo Slava as her partner. She presents Slava with her titties: “be gentle with them.”
Slava seriously loves himself as a drag queen. Yara: “This is your first time? Mm hmm.” On the runway, Alexis and Slava have matching styles, walks, signature moves, and asses. The judges think that the girls are giving Kardashian, and that Slava really embraced his feminine side for the challenge. Sharon: “You’ve probably got a stiffy going on under there somewhere.” Aww, British terms for erection are so cute, aren’t they? Alexis is safe this week.
Carmen is assigned with Chevy the baseball player. Within a few minutes, Carmen asks Chevy if he’s ever put his balls above his penis.
Shockingly, Carmen wants to serve body and sex during this challenge. She tells Chevy that all the pain he’s feeling in drag is the man leaving his body. Chevy: “How about my toe’s leaving the shoe?” On a sweet note, we find out Chevy’s little brother is a 19 year old gay boy. Chevy is motivated to dress in drag so he can make his little bro feel more confident. How cute! However, Chevy is not so cute on the runway. The judges think he is giving chubby Juju. They say to Carmen: “It looks like you’re trying to help your less attractive sister get laid.” The awkwardness of their bodies together was pronounced, and they tell Carmen that she’s up for elimination.
Chris the doofy basketball player is paired with Raja. Raja: “Dear God, please help me.” Carmen says that dragged-out Chris looks like a Sprepper—Sprite mixed with Dr. Pepper. Um, what?
Raja and Chris cheer for no bareback, no bareback, no, no, no bareback. Raja has to explain barebacking to Sharon. On the glamour runway, Sharon says that Chris’s legs look like a sailor’s. The rest of the judges think that Raja should have instilled more ability in Enigma. Wow, Raja is actually up for elimination!
Lipsync time: Paula Abdul’s Straight Up. The runway competition is straight-up soft-core porn.
For some reason Raja wins the lipsync and the judges tell Carmen to sashay away (again). Bye bye Carmen! See you on the NJ Turnpike. Whew, what a challenge! Let’s hope next week’s is just as entertaining. That’s all for now; until next time, don’t be jealous of my boogie.