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You Are Here is a weekly column by Andrew Bucket, regular BYT contributor and stand-up comedian. You can follow him on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @andrewbucket where he’ll try to not be annoying.

Got a question for Andrew? Ask here! He’s very helpful!

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Dear Andrew,

I am a musician, recently heartbroken and not quite ready to get back into the “sea of love”. What advice can you offer my tormented heart strings so that one day I can return to being a fully functioning date-able girl again? It’s far too cold this winter to feel lonely.

Ow My Frail Gumption

Hey OMFG,

I sense two very different, even competing desires in you. Half of you, probably the left half, wants to feel close to someone…maybe even wants to get taken to pound-town.

Homegirl, you’re newly single…and…halfheartedly…maybe…possibly…not that ready to mingle.

Meanwhile the right half of you wants to hide in your room and do some personal growth kind of shit, like maybe play guitar, and try to learn the chords to so many Carpenters songs.

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Even your friends will be split on this. Some are going to try and tell you that you need a rebound, while some will suggest that you need to work on yourself and be alone for a while. Your simple minded friends will think you need a massive girl-gasm to feel better…while your supposedly enlightened buds will lend you some lame book to read, by some cheese-weed like this Deepak Chopra.

But it’s as moot as the old debate on how to treat baseball injuries: heat or ice. Some say heat, some say ice. But really, if you put ice on your heart’s contusion and it feels worse, well then you know you need heat.

Point being: you can take as long or as little time that you need to get back in the dating game, but always rely on your feelings as the guide to your feelings, and forget about what you’re supposed to do.

One last folksy anecdote, about dating: my dad told me once that I never have to feel guilty about turning down a salesman; just the same way you never have to feel guilty about bowing out of a date with a someone if you just feel sitting at home. He’ll call, I bet.

Bucks

Lord Andrew,

My roommate goes on raids in World of Warcraft, but often comes back with little gear and is discouraged. Also, he is slow to develop his avatar so it’s hard to quest with him, or go on raids because he just slows the group down. How can I be supportive without criticizing his lack of skills?

Thanks for all your help!

Larpy The Cable Guy

 

Hi Larpy,

Listen, as Michel de Montaigne writes “We can be knowledgeable with other men’s knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men’s wisdom.”

The time you have spent in your realm– questing, raiding, defeating warlock minions– have left you hardened, like Rambo.

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You should be helping him with learning the ways of a warrior, otherwise he could just go traipsing all willy-nilly into Zul’Gurub only to catch the blood plague– then he tries to gift you with a prismatic shield and infects you and all your kinsmen. His safety is your safety ultimately, so you could either ditch your friend and leave him to the horde of trolls who will kill him and degrade his gear, with NO ONE to help him when he has resurrection sickness, and only the spirit healer to guide him during those brutal ten minutes after resurrection.

Actually, I don’t know what I’m talking about, but thanks for forcing me to read that Wikipedia page. I think you should just help your friend, because otherwise you are a selfish puto.

bi,

Andrew

Dear AB,

My pet bird Jeffrey just escaped less than a week ago and I miss him so much. I had been setting him in the yard so he could talk to other birds but the wind blew the top off of his cage and he flew away AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH. He was my first pet I had on my own (before it was just my parents dog). He made me very happy.

In fact because I miss him so much I really want to get a new bird. But some people seem to think moving on so soon after my loss might lead to unresolved issues in the future. do you think i need time to grieve before i move on?

What do you think?

Polly

Dear Polly,

I’m not the kind of butthole that says the universe is sending you messages, but I bet there is an important nugg’ of wisdom to take from this terrible experience of losing a pet: you need a pet in your life.

Your pet bird flew away, but it doesn’t sound like it was your fault at all. Maybe you should have put a lil’ duck tape on the cage lid since it was sitting in the wind…but, what can you do. Hindsight is like a post-operative eye that has received lasik remodeling of the corneal flap.

I personally need a dog in my life or else I kind of lose my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I like going home to see my parents, but there are two little dogs that will get me on the train way faster than a discussion about taxes with dear old dad (btw his tax advice is second to none).

You need not mourn, or grieve, or self-flagellate. You should simply get a new pet and maybe name it John Adams (thats what I would do anyway, because I have been binge watching the John Adams mini series on HBO Go and I wanna touch tongues with Abigail Adams)

May I make a case to you: get a dog.

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Dogs are better because they aren’t rude assholes like cats, they aren’t dullards like rabbits, they don’t smell like John Candy’s grave the way ferrets do, they aren’t aliens like turtles or lizards, and they aren’t responsible for the fall of man like snakes.

Dogs are also REALLLY excited to be dogs–to a dog, there’s nothing better than being a dog, and that kind of existential enthusiasm is contagious. If you get a bigger dog, you’ll feel safe because the one thing criminals don’t want to do is cross a dog’s mom (you). It’s like crossing Mark Wahlberg’s mom. You’ll get dog-handled.

Pups,
Andrewson Cooper

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