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You Are Here is a weekly column by Andrew Bucket, regular BYT contributor and stand-up comedian. You can follow him on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @andrewbucket where he’ll try to not be annoying.

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Dear Mr Bucket.

Without my approval, my roommate used my electric shaver. How do I get back at him without overstepping the boundaries?

Please advise.

Weird Beard

Dear Beardo,

Gosh. I think I’m of two minds on this one. It’s like, I know it’s gross… but when I think about it, it’s not THAT gross. Not toothbrush gross. It’s still an offense deserving of a response. But not too much of a response. If you hadn’t said electric shaver…a razor would be over the line, but an electric shaver, I mean, it’s all dry.

Well this all depends on what you you mean by “get back at him.” If you want revenge, we can come back to that a little later. If you want to address and correct his feeling entitled to just use your face shaving machine then my advice is this: get a cigar box, or some kind of felt bag (like a crown royal bag) and keep the thing under your bed instead of the communal bathroom. This move ensures the future sanctity of your cherubic cheeks, forces your depraved shaver roommate to see what happens when you fuck with other peoples faces, and also let’s you avoid a confrontation with a roommate over a pretty NBD thing.

You’re like “why should avoid that confrontation?” I’ll tell you. Sometimes you need to deal with other peoples inconsiderate asses with a modicum of passivity. I don’t mean passive aggressive, more like passive assertive— instead of leaving a shitty little note about it (which maybe you’d even try to make funny, as to lighten the tone of it- still PA) you just take away the shaver and let it go. If you start confronting roommates about little annoyances, then you really don’t have the same influence when the shit really comes down and you have to be up early and there’s a loud sesh happening downstairs. They won’t give you the respect because guess who you are: THE FUSSY ONE. There are not many roommate types worse than the fussy one. Not even the messy one, because they can often be the most fun, and they always wanna drink with you. Not even the electric bill warden, because at least they keep the house in the black. No, sorry to say, the fussy one will have no less than four nicknames behind their back, and invites all types of pranks to be played on them once everybody is sick of their fussy-crabby-pissy tude.

fuckyou2

Okay, so if you want revenge:
1) if he has a package delivered, hide it for a week.  He’ll be like WTF, and will likely call Amazon and pitch a little shit fit, and they’ll be like ‘we delivered it sorry dude’ and then a week later it will just appear and you can just laugh and laugh.
2) put an ad on Craigslist selling a 70 gallon turtle tank for $30. Then put his number at the bottom. It’s a steal of a deal, and then he’ll get loads of phone calls from people who have enough turtles to warrant a 70 gallon tank.
3) poison him slowly over ten years. Just kidding. JUST KIDDING.

Fussy for life,
Buck

Mister Andrew

I’ve been applying to corporate jobs. I worry they may look at my Twitter, which is full of blasphemy. What should I do so I can enjoy my personal life while still being presentable for my work life?

#unemployed

Hey hashtag,

There’s no way your personal life hinges on twitter, but a quick fix for your anxiety is to delete your account while you apply for jobs, but I don’t think you should.

You should really worry more about your Facebook profile. I’d disable it altogether. There was a brief moment in the job world where they found it odd if you didn’t have a Facebook, but now that FB is passé and mostly for old people to stay in touch with their grandkids, you can look so freaking cool. You’ll be all like “yeah I’ll snapchat you my resume, but only once cuz my data dude.”

fuckthepolice

Or, you can just say FUCK THA POLICE, and only take a job where they don’t step on your shit. Maybe it will take longer, and maybe it’s less money. But, what, do you want to be rich or something?

Andrew #buckerberg

My man Andrew,

I started talking to this really pretentious self-absorbant model chick who won’t go down on me? What do I do?

Blue Balls

Hey blue balls,

OK I know exactly what you should do but it’s really important that you follow this advice to the T, and as soon as possible. This is tried and true pick up artist material.

First, break up with her with no explanation. Delete her number right away. Block her on all social media.

bitch

Second, and this part is the most crucial, don’t contact her for 7 years. In that time, go to an accredited university and pursue an undergraduate degree in women’s studies. I’m sure that sounds gay, but trust me dude, this shit works. OK, after you finish the undergraduate degree, you need to volunteer at a crisis center for a whole summer while you also apply to grad schools. You have to trust me on this, I read a whole chapter on this in The Game. Mystery invented this gambit.

Third, while at grad school you should take time away from your thesis to conduct interviews with former models about their experiences in that industry. These interviews should be long, I mean really get to the heart of each woman’s story.

Once those 7 years and three phases are complete, write back to be with the same question.

Go get ’em playa!

Andre

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