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You Are Here is a weekly column by Andrew Bucket, regular BYT contributor and stand-up comedian. You can follow him on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @andrewbucket where he’ll try to not be annoying.

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Dear Andrew

My sister has a 3-year-old and she acts like I’m a scary clown when I talk to her. I’m an aunt and can’t figure out how to be a cool aunt. How do I talk to kids is what I’m saying?

Auntie Feeling Lame

Dear Auntie,

Hi. I’m gonna take a shot in the dark and say you’re speaking to this child in that scary pitch bended way where you put importance and emphasis on unimportant words.

Picture this: you’re a kid and you observe everything. When adults speak to each other around you they are natural and tonally flat regardless of if they are talking about nuclear weapons or apple juice. However once they address you there’s this bizarre upturn of the pitch and they adopt a strange and shmaltzy voice that seems so unnatural that you feel a little crazy. Well that’s how everyone talks to children.

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The point is: you sound weird. Speak to the little dudes and dudettes like you would an adult, just omit all the dark crap you spew onto your peers. When it comes to relating to kids it’s not so much attitude as it is about content. You can sound like Hitchens but be talking about Legos. Better than sounding like Emo Phillips and be talking about string theory.

Just treat kids as you’d like to be treated: with dignity and respect. You’ll do fine uncle.

Bucket

Hello Andrew Bucket,

After a really rough breakup, I’ve semi recently jumped head first back into dating and loads of casual sex. Besides most of the sex being INCREDIBLY bomb, I am getting this weird dating fatigue and finding myself bored as fuck. I usually have a pretty easy time finding at least a hint of a spark with another person, but tons of dates are falling flat, and I can only handle so much additional beer weight.

Is it me? Is it all of the suit wearers wandering this part of the country who keep trying to woo me with “British” drinks at the Brixton? I’m so bored and so over scheduled, so what now?

Dear Bored,

I’m having a hard time understanding this persistent need among newly single people to get in a relationship.

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I’m aware of a saying for when people are unemployed: your job is to find a new job. Well, that’s not the same for your love life. It’s not like you’re low. You may be lonely but that’s OK. Loneliness is healthy and often times corrective, so please don’t spend your newly found freedom trying your damnedest to be once again beholden.

What you need is some Spanish guy that is spending a month in town and then had to go play polo in Portugal or whatever. After you get whatever necessary gross reboundy sex out of your system then you can get down to the brass tax of your needs and wants which were, I can be assured, not being met by your ex who I think was named Timothy or something.

Why are you even online dating? That’s so despo. Do you not have a single friend who knows an attractive man? I guarantee it’ll be much more fun to be set up than to engage some dorkus from the Internet.

Yours,
Andrew

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