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You Are Here is a weekly column by Andrew Bucket, regular BYT contributor and stand-up comedian. You can follow him on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @andrewbucket where he’ll try to not be annoying.

Got a question for Andrew? Ask here! He’s very helpful!

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Dear Andrew,

I just moved into a house of 7 people. So far we generally all get along, but one roommate in particular really grinds my gears. He doesn’t do dishes, he is a philistine, and he has terrible friends who like to talk about high-school fights. His huge weights are all over the basement, which is a common area.

I like a healthy lifestyle, a calm household, and a lot of personal space….for the most part. He is like a puppy with no sense of boundary.

What should I do? I love living here, minus this bro-dude.

Thanks,

Tiny

Hey Tiny,

Ah yes, the bro-dude.

Listen, you thought it was going to be the swingin’-vegan-sixties with your seven person Kombucha-Kommune or something right?

But in really, you caught a normie in your net since you played it safe and decided to CList it. So now it sounds like you’re the house crab-apple– a character who sucks just as much as the house meat-head. He probably doesn’t like you either, since he can’t drunk-eat your whey powder.

Common Daria, by now don’t you know what happens when 7 people live in a house and stop being polite?

Puck

But chin-up, my darling dullard-ess, here are some redeeming qualities of your bro that you may not even know:

1. He will physically defend you against any creepazoid assailant, I swear it–it’s in his biological framework. You will feel safe with him, alwayz and 4ever. I bet if you have a sketch walk home, he’d come meet you to be your guard dog for the walk.

2. You get to feel smarter than him, while he gets to feel more fun than you. This mutual feeling of superiority is quite dynamic.

3. Regarding #2 on one occasion you will remove the snoot-hat and indulge him by splurging on a BBQ/beerfest, which makes him adore you.

Some other time, on a quiet Tuesday night, he’ll be bored and two Natural Lights deep and will join you in watching Cinema Paradiso– your favorite film.

During the love scene in the rain he’ll say “It really is amazing how our lives seem more real when they resemble what we see in films…”

and he sighs with his tilted head against his fist, burping a little.

4. You notice he keeps his body lean and powerful, like Michael Phelps. You catch yourself imagining his bedroom Olympics. You need a good ruffling after all those impish hipsters from OKC have barely conjured a tingle with their rigid humping, gasping asthmatically to the limp rhythms of your guitar strummy iTunes.

5. The night before Thanksgiving, you’ll be the only two left in the house. With no work the next day, and no friends in town, you’ll both be bored as all-get-out.

He’ll produce a bottle of Old Overholt from his room and impresses you with a delicious Old Fashion. He says “Yeah, my father owns a bar. I always helped out when I could, so I learned how to make all the classic cocktails.”

He’ll ask about your big life plans, and it’ll shock you because nobody has asked you that for a long time. He waits for your answer with genuine interest, and for the first time you notice his eyes are a gorgeous green.

6. After you date for three months, you decide that the group house situation has run its course, and you start looking for a condo in Dupont or Adams Morgan. You’ve gotten the IUD, so you bump privates everywhere…dressing rooms at Urban, parking garages, an empty corridor at the museum.

7. He leaves for a trip to Cancun with his friends. You declined to go because it sounded “dreadful” and though he insisted he stay back, you doubly insisted he go. You imagine wet-t-shirts, tequila hoses, and him with a bra on his head.

But he calls you every day because he misses waking up next to you.

8. Has it really been a year since you gave him head the night before Thanksgiving? He takes you to a dinner on the water. Over dessert, the big announcement. He thinks you should move to a new city together.

9. Your second year of grad school has begun. The long-distance thing is business as usual. Freaky Skyping during the week, and that long ass train ride on Friday.

10. Ahhh yes, single again. How strange it feels. You look back on it all and have no regrets. It was the most meaningful relationship you’ve ever had, and you will measure every future man against the Bro you once hated.

And that’s your roommate.

Andrew Bucket

Dear Andrew,

Ok, so I’ve seen you post stuff about recipes on here before and I was wondering if you knew of something I could make for my vegetarian girlfriend. I like to grill a lot and I hate her having to eat potato salad all day.

Best,
Meat Mouth

Dear Meat Mouth,

At least she isn’t a vegan. What an annoying bunch that is. Not because of their politics or philosophies–antiquated as they are– but try going to a restaurant with one of these sand-pits. They’ll order some appetizer salad and when questioned on why they haven’t ordered something else they say “Oh, I can’t eat anything here.”

Well, of course they could eat something there, but fortunately or unfortunately (depends for who) they choose to follow a food religion. For the same reasons priests can’t have sex, this morose dinner-goer can’t order an entree. Too bad there’s no string cheese for them to molest in the men’s room, so unlike the priest their plight goes without even a secret respite.

vegan

In any case, the vegetarian is a much more flexible person to have dinner with, so good work in your choice of a girlfriend. Now, to help you with your BBQ situation:

The Black Bean Burger w/ chipotle mayo

This one is easier than Glass Joe and is good enough that you may want to make one for yourself.

Ingredients:
*two cans of frijoles negros
*one chode size can of Korn
*one bunch of cilantro*
*a lime
*salt N peppa
*one bottle chipotle tabasco**

*You can go to Whole Foods if you want, but if you are interested in saving MOOLAH you should be buying any Latin-food related products from a Latin market — they sell bunches of cilantro for $.65, limes 5 for $1, and about 30 jalepeno peppers for about $2.

**If you aren’t stealing this from Chipotle, you need to get a clue Shakespeare.

OK, here goes the instructions. Lucky for you, this is a “throw it in the bowl!” kind of thing.

BEANS:
Take one can of the frijoles negros and strain them. Then wash them in the strainer with that squirty hose on your sink.

THROW EM IN THE BOWL.

Then mash those bad little beans up into a mashy mush. Get in there and get all beany and dirty.

BEANS #2:
Take the second can of frijoles and wash/strain them….BUT WAIT, dont mash em.

THROW EM IN THE BOWL!

Then mix the wholebeans into the beanmash so you have a big mush with a bunch of floaters mixed into it.

KORN:
Hopefully you got that little chode sized korn that has the pop-top. Strain the korn of all that korn water and then

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THROW IT THE BOWL!

Mix it all in there so it looks like a bunch of dandylions in a mud pit.

CILANTRO:
Take about 12 sprigs of cilantro and chop the stems very finely, but tear the leaves a little larger.

throw em….in the bowl.

LIME:
Squeeze soma dat lime juice in dere.

in where?

IN THE BOWL!

SALT N PEPPA:
Put some salt n peppa in the mix.

THE BURGER ITSELF:
OK, so lay out some wax paper onto a cookie sheet and sprinkle some corn meal on there. If you don’t have corn meal, you can use tortilla chips that you crush up really well (smart huh?) If you use hint of lime Tostitos you get some bonus points, but don’t go over board.
Then make patties with the bean mush and get a nice coat of corn meal on both sides. Then you’re gonna want to refridgerate those bad little patties for about an hour or so.

CHIPOTLE MAYO:
While your burgers are bustin’ a chill, you’re gonna make some spicy mayo to put on those thangz.
but ok look, if you are able find chipotle peppers that are NOT dried up, then use those and just chop them very finely and mix em up with some mayonaze. But otherwise, just take some chipotle Tabasco and mix that up with some mayo– to taste. Spread it on that kaiser roll i forgot to tell you to buy.

FROM CHILLIN >> GRILLIN:

Take those burgers out of the fridge, they’re cool already you freak.

But look man, if you just throw these things on the grill, theyre gonna fall apart and then your vegetarded girlfriend is going to be really ticked off. T.O’d. Razzled. Chagrined. Pantaloons in a bundle. Ninnies in a twist. Fussy. Crabby. Pissy. Coppin’ a tude. Raising a row. All that shit.

So do yourself a favor and make a little holy mat of tin foil– you want to poke holes in it because you want a little char on there, know whatta mean Vern?

Yours,
AB

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