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You Are Here is a weekly column by Andrew Bucket, regular BYT contributor and stand-up comedian. You can follow him on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @andrewbucket where he’ll try to not be annoying.

Got a question for Andrew? Ask here! He’s very helpful!

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Dear Andrew,
My question for you is this: my grandmother has a ring, an emerald, and I have loved it always. I used to always try it on when I went to her house.
Is there any way to politely approach the subject of her leaving it to me….you know, in her will…. without implying that I want her to die ASAP. Thing is, I have a pretty irresponsible sister and my worst fear is she gets it. You know what I mean…
Where Theres a Will…
Dear W,
Well look, the short and boring answer is to just fawn over the ring all the time. Ask to borrow it for special occasions and always return it right away. She’ll get the idea.
But continue reading because there is more to it than that. There are two more ways to handle this kind of dialogue– This Way, and The Other Way.
1. This Way
You can say to your grandmother:
“I really think you should leave this ring to me, because if you leave it to my sister she’ll become destitute and pawn it off to pay her cell phone bill.”
“You should leave me this ring because it’s green and we were going to bury you in blue…”
“I’ll tell you what gran, when you become so weak with old age that you can’t bathe yourself, I’ll give you one sponging off for every carat in this emerald.”
“Gran, I’ve peeled the labels off of your medicine bottles. If you’d like to know which is which, please leave me that emerald ring in your will.”
“Gran, you can leave me the emerald in your will, or I can start making cats disappear.”
 2. The Other Way
You can help your grandmother do things in her old age and be there for her as a friend. Old people have the same problem worldwide: their friends die, all the time. The older they get, the less friends they have. What’s worse is that they are faced with the very real immediacy of death, and it scares them even if they don’t show it. She is probably thinking about her will a lot more than you are, and it gets very lonely for the elderly. As a grandchild you have probably been showered with love from that old lady for most of your living memory.
So why don’t you pay that back by keeping her company sometimes? An hour a week would mean the world to her and if she does not live nearby then you should write to her, or call her on the phone. If you call the same time each week, it will give her something to look forward to. Just call her up and tell her everything that is going on in your life, large and small. Ask her advice on things, and tell her you love her. Her life is probably mundane so instead of asking what she’s been up to, ask her how she met your grandfather. Ask her about when you were born, and ask her about when she was a kid. You’ll treasure these stories, and get to pass them on as you get older.
Do all of this, and maybe you will get that emerald ring. But more importantly you will get to be a tributary of love for someone important to you, at a time in their life that they need it the most.
 Not a sermon, just a nugg,
 Andrew Bucket
What happens when the first time your boyfriend drops the L bomb he is simultaneously breaking up a bag of cocaine while you’re both hiding in a bathroom. Does it count?
In Da Klub
Hey IDK,
Perhaps the strangest thing I would do in middle school was usually right after my lunchtime dose of Adderall, when I would sit at my desk and hand-write articles for The Washington Post.
One article was a sort of op-ed about gang violence, based solely on things I saw on New York Undercover.
This Pulitzer worthy piece was not just a firm decry of gangs, drug dealers, and your general ne’r-do-wells–no– it was also a scathing criticism of the mass-media for their glamorous depictions of gangsters and criminals, like a middle school Belle Hooks, I was, in my own imagination. I expected to be published of course, and then heralded as a child prodigy.
Another thing I would do on Adderall is make plans I never intended to keep. One time I asked a pretty weird kid if he wanted to play paint-ball with me on a not-so-distant Saturday. This obviously never happened. Though that kid eventually did start a paintball club when we got to high school. No joke. He also worked at a store in the mall that sold daggers and other weaponry.
I suppose my point is that the connections were firing left and right in my brain while I sat and wrote these half-baked diatribes, or made plans with weirdos. Speedy drugs like Adderall create this sense of urgency to make plans, to follow through, and to accomplish things. It allows you to see a goal, even decades down the line, and actually make a linear plot for how to get there. Cocaine and Adderall are basically the same thing  as far as your brain is concerned. It’s just that one is blue, clean, legal and everyone takes it.
Some peoples brains just work this way all the time without any meds at all and they usually become really, really rich, marry young, won’t go to a restaurant without a reservation, and have a strange affinity for business cards and Phil Collins.
From them, I would consider an L-bomb to be foreal, albeit unsettling…
Those kinds of drugs ironically make us feel like we are not just content, but SO FUCKING CONTENT WE CAN’T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE IT, SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE OUR SITUATION RIGHT NOW!!! Weird huh?
It is a powerful feeling, my gentle reader, and it sounds like it manifested in a really ill-timed, inaugural blurt of what is maybe the most pivotal expression in a relationship.
Your BF is kind of a dum-dum for doing that, but there are definitely some up-sides to this.
1. You were the one his hyper-drive brain picked to project his uber-contentedness on…
Not some ex-GF, not some rando he had a really meaningful, spiritual convo with while smoking a cig—no, it was you, and that’s cute, if anything.
2. It can actually be a point of meaningful discussion for when you’re sober. oddly enough, these awkward things that happen while we’re wasted can serve as jumping off points for real intimacy…mostly because we say or do things that we might not otherwise say or do and once it’s out there, baby, it’s out there.
You can ask him about what he said, but it is important you make it safe for him to admit he rushed the order on the L word. My feeling is that he meant to say he really likes where your relationship is going, but didn’t quite know how to articulate it.
3. He could have said a lot worse things while on coke. Alcohol and speed have a way of magnifying what is inside of us. The happy person will be the life of the party, the bitter person will start a fight. Your boy said I love You. So how about that?
Love to love to love ya,
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