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You Are Here is a weekly column by Andrew Bucket, regular BYT contributor and stand-up comedian. You can follow him on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @andrewbucket where he’ll try to not be annoying.

Got a question for Andrew? Ask here! He’s very helpful!

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Dear Mr. Bucket,

I hate to assume you aren’t a parent, but I dont think you are. So maybe you wont be able to answer this question…

But my problem is this:

Does it make me a lame-o if I suddenly turn into some UTNY magazine reading, Whole Foods obsessed, Columbia Heights, bane of white America loser because I want my kid to have an OK life? I found punk when I couldn’t stand my parents, hated the kids at school, and wanted to do my life on my own terms. But I almost feel like my kid won’t have to do any of that, cuz I want to be a good mom.

Soon to be full time parent and part time punk

Dear FTP-PTP,

I suppose that’s a fair concern, though perhaps an incomplete thought. I am surprised you haven’t taken this logic just one step further to arrive at the obvious answer to your question:

Well adjusted children and the ethos of “fuck you” are not mutually exclusive.

For one thing, as I’ve mentioned in this column before– the career path of the past is a huge gamble; the odds of going to college, emerging with no debt, and finding the kind of job that the college-myth alludes to are simply the stuff of risky investment. The only thing college is good for anymore is the critical thinking skills that teach us to problem solve and innovate. It is no longer likely that some company is going to look out for you when you get all old and your butt gland stops working.

See, the DIY attitude has never been more important a skill to teach your LiL. You can go ahead and redact the stuff about W33d and shoplifting (or maybe stop stealing altogether if you’re a mom). Also, and just a thought, how about not introducing the dumpster at Panera Bread as a perfectly reasonable place to get a trash bag of bagels for free. That can be your big “sell-out” thing you do: not showing your kid how to eat from the trash.

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Then, you go to healthcare.gov and you can quit peeling potatoes to afford insurance, and finally live the modest DIY-community-lifestyle that you cream-dream about.

You should still send the sprout to school, even though everyone kind of knows that school is just a workforce factory once you’ve learned the rudimentary subjects like reading, writing, and algebra– and that the only reason we still do school, since everything is on the Internet, is to learn all day about how the world works, while our parents work in the world all day.

BUT LOOK, for now, send your kid to school, because they need to meet and interact with other people their age so they can get a wrangle on who they are and grow up to be a worthy human being. Don’t try and do home-school because everyone knows those kids are the freakish spawn of militia men. But plan on sending them to community college when they’re 16 or seventeen to bust out some credits and instill them with a taste for bucking the system and doing things the smart way.

So don’t worry too much and just carry your life on the way you probably do already: obnoxiously-vegan potluck dinners, pube-stuffed co-op sandwiches, local food from Pennsylvania, ugly long cut-off shorts, and that feral-kid-from-Mad-Max haircut.

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Thanks and I AM a parent, i have 7 kids named: Pusston, Erectly, Egregious, Lascivious, Coca, Urinethal, and Andrew Jr.

Puke,
Andrew B

Andrew,

One of my best friends recently moved to Baltimore cuz she needed “to get out of this city,” or whatever the fuck that means. We legit-ly spent our early twenties together and were a bit of a duo; always at parties together, we talked every day, we were bonded like in the deepest way. But now we’re both 25 and 24 respectfully.

When she moved to Baltimore, I helped her move in, I hung out in the new place all weekend, and I went up there the next weekend to hang out. Then three weeks went by and I didn’t go and she didn’t come home.

Then a couple weeks went by when we didn’t even talk. Now I keep trying to make plans with her to hang out but she is acting like a total flake. She’s all like “Ohh, I don’t know what is up this weekend” etc etc.

Am I being emo or is this legit fucked up of her?

Thanks,

BF(N)F

Dear Best Friends (Not) Forever,

The early twenties are inherently emo actually. Everything is hyper-real at that age, I mean your drinking buddies seem like life-mates, your booty call seems like a kindred spirit, and your bartender seems like some pillar of benevolence. Your job seems like a career with a 20-year track, or your coffee shop gig seems like the idyllic scenery of a starving artist. Your band seems like the next Lifehouse, and you think the lady at the taqueria really likes you and your friends split the check and pay with credit cards.

It’s not phony to feel that way, just a little immature (and still endearing). The friends you made at that age take on a really heavy meaning. You might have soldiered together through the shit and puke of young adulthood–for one thing everybody is so emotionally ridiculous, and for another thing Mom and Dad are not doling out the pesos like the dayes of yore so you might run into some debtor’s troubles or periods of starvation (of the first world variety).

Not to mention that the people you meet are (hopefully) way more interesting than the morons you cavorted with in college, so you’re boning more frequently, more drunkenly, and possibly having to visit the you know where for a you know what. All of this and more in those little 4 years after college. It feels like a huge, important part of you’re life that you are living.

What these years are ALL about is making mistakes. Really crucial, pregnant with lessons and morals, burned into your emo ass heart mistakes. There will be so many of them that by the time you are 25, you’re gonna want to pack your shit up, quit the temp agency, and make a move for something or somewhere else. Only this time you have skin thicker than Edward James Olmos, and brain full of big ideas.

It sounds like your friend made that move before you did. So I’ll answer your question with this question: are you being emo? Or didn’t you learn anything? What is going to be your move?

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But you aren’t entirely misguided, because these friends you make can be the ones you keep for a long time. You are experiencing a little bit of phantom-friend syndrome– a limb of your life has been blown off, and now your brain (or maybe your heart since you’re emo) really believes it is still there. But your friend is in Baltimore, moving on with the next phase of her life.

She is going to need you. But not yet. So just let the girl discover whatever it is she went there to discover, and when something important happens in her new life, she will think of her best friend that she wants to dish all the creepy deetz and then you will see how this thing comes into fruition.

It goes on like this for decades apparently. I asked a legit old person before writing this.

Legit,
Andrew

Dearest Andrew,

Love the column and HAD to write in.

I’ve been dating a boy and as I get to know him it seems quite obvious that he is really, really rich. I am not intimidated by wealth at all, so I’ve been playin’ it cool and not making money a big deal as I get to know him, or I mean, tryin’ to let him know I don’t care about it.

However, recently some red flags have popped up that make me think he is kind of snobby. He was really rude to the waiter because our food was slow to come out…. I mean, come on, right?

Also, he has been correcting me a lot, as in, telling me, in public, that I’m talking too loud or somehow being “inappropriate.” I don’t have a house in the Hamptons, but I know I’m a classy chick.

He’s good, in general, but these little things have been bothering me.

What do you think,

Mo’money

Hey Mo’

Let me address one thing before addressing this pocket-square you’re involved with– don’t let anybody shush you. Not a boss, not a stranger, not a cop, not nobody not no how. Shushing is the most crass behavior and the mark of a flaming narcissist, or at least a power-tripping maniac.

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But WOW, shushing you in public. I imagine in a date setting? This clown might be loaded but so is Kid Rock, Joe Francis, The Milfhunter and Fred Durst.

This stuff is only going to get worse. His plight for status and repugnant class posturing is probably way more important to his damaged psychology than your feelings, interests, or experiences.

Also, it doesn’t sound like he is self-made, it sounds like he has rich parents, which means if he can’t cut it on his own than he will be a depressed leech who carries on like Francis in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

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Furthermore, if his parents didn’t provide him the lessons a gentleman learns, or if he didn’t strive to learn them on his own, then he is not a person of quality, just a child of wealth. Have you read The Count of Monte Cristo?

You should probably send him this article as a break-up supplement, along with a paragraph or two of your own words on how his behavior is the cause of the relationship failing.

Shh,
Andrew Bucket

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