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You Are Here is a weekly column by Andrew Bucket, regular contributor and stand-up comedian. You can follow him on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @andrewbucket.

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Dear Andrew Bucket,

How do you transform work friends into regular friends that you hang out with on the regular? There is a guy I work with that is super cool and I really enjoy hanging out with him at work parties and things like that, but I don’t know how to ask him to do non-work related things without seeming or feeling weird/creepy. He is like the only cool person there, so it seems like we would just naturally hang out, but it is really hard to just make it happen. Where do I begin?

Thanksssss,
Girl is Down 2 Hang

Dear Hang,

The way you transform work friends into regular is by ceasing to distinguish the two, unless you’re the boss or something, and even then, Tony Danza, it’s OK to chill with the rank and file every now and then. Also, you should pay.

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I don’t think I’ve worked anywhere that I didn’t get a cerveza, a hot tea, a slice of ‘za, or a manicure with a fellow de trabajo so we could talk shop and whine about the smelly guy, or how Glen in accounts receivable may or may not be a racist. There is never anything creepy about asking someone, with an uncanny sigh of desperate workplace boredom, to do something normal after hours– what is totally creepy is the being the kind of crankus that can’t miss Big Bang Theory so they have to rush home and boil some homophobic Barilla penne.

I think you’re somewhat duplicitously asking me how to hook up with someone in the co-worker zone. If you weren’t plotting to commit make-outs against his face, then you’d just be like “hey, cool guy at work, lets go eat messy chicken wings and compare farts.”

I’d start by making really obvious small talk about single-life and how there are just soooo many creeps on OK Cupid– maybe some anecdote about that one cheese-weed you actually went out with, you know, the one that ordered vodka cranberries and wanted to split the bill.

The co-worker zone is a bit delicate because even if you’re cool as Ryan Gosling’s keggerator, they might start acting like a weirdo after you show your crush-cards.

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Outside of the workplace I’d never recommend the 10th grader MO, but for the co-worker zone I think a group sitch is muy bueno. Invite cool-guy to a party and tell him to bring his friends if he wants. Don’t throw your own party because you’ll be too busy hosting.

As long as you manage your expectations and don’t front with some phony friendly hang out, you’re all good.

Straight from the chill-zone,
Uncle Bucket

Dear Andrew,

How do I tell my good friend that she needs to dial it back on the selfies? Just unfollowed her but want to be a good pal.

Help,
Insta-gross

Yo insta,

You know I’m confused. About everything to do with Instagram.

Let’s start here: what is Instagram? It’s an app where people post pictures under their name or nom-de-gram.

OK, I get it.

Yeah, but wait, because some people are really annoying on it.

Oh, like how?

Oh, well they just post TOO many selfies. You know, pictures of themselves.

So what?

Well they’re totally obsessed with themselves!

How many followers do they have?

5000.

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Well, sounds like everyone likes what they’re doing. Why is the self-portrait suddenly a violation of everyone’s artistic sensibilities? What do you like? Nature shots? Pictures of buildings? You think that because a person posts their own image, that they’re self-obsessed. OK, Fraser Crane, well you were so offended, so mortified that a person felt confident enough to post their own picture that you unfollowed them.

Think about that. You felt like your curatorial standards were so mucked up by your friends selfies that you decided you never wanted to see another one of their pictures again. What kind of passive aggressive weirdo are you? Like an obnoxious troll you deleted your friend. So who is the deluded person on Instagram? I bet your selfie-sister still follows you.

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Fart noise,
Andrew B

Dear Andrew,

This is an old cliche but is actually driving me nuts because my dad’s birthday is coming up and I have no idea what to get him: what do you get for the dad who has Everything.

Obvious Child

Dear child,

What you get for the dad who has Everything is a new experience.

Dads don’t want or need things like iPods or new tools. If they want those they’ll go get them, in fact they like the browsing process. It’s zen for dads or something.

Dads are privately sentimental.

Maybe your papa is into origami. Go on Living Social and see if they have an origami workshop coming up, and then by two deals because, guess what you wayward son, you’re going too!

Now I know what you’re thinking: what am I supposed to show him my phone with the app open? No ya dingus. It’s time to get crafty.

Print out some sort of certificate or the picture they use on LS, along with a description of the event and nice lil HBD message from you.

Then buy sole accoutrements for the origami event like, I dunno, paper. Maybe a new book of folds. Odds and ends you know? Then package the stuff in a box and give your daddio the origami experience of his whole freaking life.

Paper planes,
Bucks

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