By Anastasia Kolobrodova
My name is Anastasia, which has a limited set of associations: Russian princess, 20th Century Fox animated film, and now the timid protagonist of a soft-core porn book series. Fantastic. I read 50 Shades of Grey when it came out because my friends made fun of me due to the main character sharing my name.
Next week I’m going to see the movie adaptation, because, I mean, how can I not? I have heard that 20 minutes of the movie is sex. That leads me to wonder what the other 105 minutes are about, because there’s really not that much else to work with (more than half the book was Anastasia Steele’s internal monologue about her relationship with Christian Grey).
Based on my reading of the book I expect the following:
1. Christian Grey will not speak. He will communicate exclusively through his “burning smoky gaze,” his “intense bright gray eyes,” his “penetrating eyes,” his “bold gray gaze,” and his “dark glare.”
2. Anastasia Steele will not speak. She will communicate exclusively through squeaking and stuttering and whispering and lip biting. Sometimes she will send an email. This is going to be a quiet movie.
3. Grey weather. Let’s remember that this is set in Seattle — a major plot point and the only reason that one of my friends even started reading this book. I assume that at least 14 shades of grey are the sky. If there is any sunshine in this movie, I call foul.
4. Literally 50 shades of grey. I WILL BE COUNTING.
5. Buying BDSM supplies at the hardware store. Need ropes and masking tape? Obviously go to Ace Hardware.
6. Anastasia uses Christian’s toothbrush. You know when you sleep over at someone’s house the day after you vomit into a rose bush? Gotta brush that off. You know whose toothbrush you can use? The rich guy who inexplicably got you a change of clothes but not basic toiletries.
7. Cyclist shaming / #biketerrorists. The first time Anastasia and Christian almost kiss was because a cyclist was going the wrong way down a one-way street, which drops her in his arms. Does the author of these books have an anti-cyclist bias? Will the movie continue this unprovoked assault on eco-friendly transportation?
8. Making out in elevators. OK, can’t lie, this is the part of this book series that I empathize with. Making out in elevators is hot. If the movie doesn’t include this, I’m going to walk out.
9. Christian’s pockets are stuffed with condoms. HOW MANY CONDOMS DOES HE HAVE IN HIS POCKETS? Are his pants tailored to have a secret compartment to be able to hold an entire pack of condoms? Seriously, how does this guy do it?
10. Anastasia erotically eats asparagus. Oooooh, yeah. The most erotic of vegetables. Don’t you want to just put the tip in your mouth? Eat it? Have your pee smell weird?
11. Edward the Vampire from Twilight. LEST WE FORGET, this was originally Twilight fan fiction. Maybe a cameo? Maybe he swoops in and eats them all? One can only hope.