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By Melissa Groth

I have high hopes for the world of fashion in 2014.  All told, 2013 wasn’t the worst year for fashion.  We all got out relatively unscathed, and I think we will all look back on 2013 fondly as a year in which we did not make total sartorial fools of ourselves.  Midi skirts, kitten heels, bold stripes and contrast– all wonderful things that happened in 2013.  I do, however, remember flipping through a fashion magazine that shall remain nameless and reading that flared jeans were making a comeback (the person behind that prediction was, I hope, fired immediately.  Flared jeans are an abomination).  Flared-jean-bullet-dodging aside, 2013 did have its fashion missteps, most of which I can chuckle at as one would chuckle at their dog humping a stuffed animal before telling Toby to knock-it-the-fuck-off.  The following list, however, are knock-it-the-fuck-off moments of 2013 fashion.  If I see these things come back in 2014, I’m having you neutered.

Denim Outfits

I love Nylon Magazine.  It is probably my favorite since Jane went defunct.  But when I received their denim issue in the mail earlier this year, I felt betrayed.  Denim outfits, are you kidding me?  The Canadian Tuxedo? Really? Are we really going to do this?  They weren’t the only ones who tried to make denim happen.  The trend caught on in spring, and I hope that it stays there, never to be seen or heard from again.

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However, chambray is a-okay in my book.  Let’s keep that around.

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Camouflage

Why? What are you hiding from? This is a trend that will just not die, but I’m hoping 2014 will be the year we send it on its way for good.


Stop

Please stop.

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Oh god why?

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Fringe

Fringe belongs in your benefits package, not on your clothing.


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These ugly-ass shoes

Omg stop it, just stop.  These are almost, almost worse than Uggs.  I know how appealing these can be for a short girl, trust me; I, myself, am a short girl.  But please, it doesn’t have to be this way.  (via)


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Fedoras

This goes for men and women. You look like Jason Mraz. You know what helps with not worrying your life away? Avoiding people in fedoras.

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Hi-Lo/Mullet Dresses

Okay, they call these MULLET dresses; do I really need to say anything further? Yes, I do, because this dress/skirt/hairstyle is awful. It looks like someone stepped on the front of your dress and tore it off. It looks like you forgot something when you walked out of your house. It looks like you have serious difficulty with making decisions in your life. How am I supposed to trust your judgment if you can’t even decide on a skirt length?


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Shoulder cut-outs

Not sure what we were trying to prove with this one, but the trend gained serious traction right before we all said “screw it” and succumbed to the cut-out trend in general (which, for some reason, doesn’t offend me nearly as much). I don’t get it. Why would you want your shirt to look like someone almost ripped the sleeves off? Commit and go sleeveless. Or commit to a tailor and sew your sleeves back on, dammit.


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Leggings for pants for the love of god

I’m not even going to dignify this with an explanation.

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Along those same lines, North Face jackets and Ugg boots

Alright, I get it.  You can’t be bothered.  I will avoid you and your fedora-wearing friend.

Leopard/Cheetah Print

Nothing against leopard print, actually.  I love me some leopard print done right; I just feel like it has had its moment in the sun and it’s time to let another [faux] animal takeover. Panther would be cool. It’s like leopard print, but subtler. Subtle is good. Zebra was also supposed to be big this year, but it never really caught on, which was disappointing for me (it could have been a disaster, I know, but the risk was exciting). Leopard print will, I hope, take a back seat in the fashion world for 2014 to make room for something more innovative.

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