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By David Carter

The star studded production of Jesus Christ Superstar has been canceled and hung out to dry, and that hurts, according to a book, a Good one. This was the musical menagerie of the millennia, featuring Johnny Rotten from the Sex Pistols, Brandon Boyd from Incubus, Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child, and JC Chasez from ‘Nsync. Fans worldwide are confused as to why the tour was “turned over to the Romans”, as the saying goes. What could possibly have caused such an immediate renege?

When approached for an answer, the composer, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber remarked, “What?! Get that recording device out of my countenance, peasant! Do you think I care of one production of one of my plays? I am already immortal!” Lord Webber then threw his top hat on the grass, it spun, grew to the size of a doorway, and he jumped threw it.

Those critics of this casting who sat at the kids’ table during this Last Supper did warn us of the play’s futility. Pretentious Richard of the Wherever Tribune said, “What’s not to love about shoving a handful of nearly forgotten unrelated artists down the ear throats of genuine fans of the cult classic? Everybody knows that music styles are their best when run concurrently. It’s why Kendrick Lamar sampled Handel’s classical masterpiece in his hit track “Bong Water Music”. What could possibly go wrong?!” This quote was transcribed from a much muffled interview, as the critic’s head was up his ass.

seth rogen

A few fans were asked for their opinion why the run was canceled:

Jonathan Miller, Manager of an Office Max:
“It shouldn’t have been a scheduling conflict. I gave JC Chasez all the days off he requested. Do you know you can return empty ink cartridges here for a discount?”

A 16 Year Old Girl, Unemployed:
“I have no idea who any of those people are. Can I have my phone back?”

William Madison, Prop Master:
“After hearing the dress rehearsal, I can tell you it’s as if Taylor Swift covered Adelle. Sure it’s more pleasing to look at, but you lose all meaning and substance.”

taylor swift gif

Johnny Rotten:
“It was me. I did it.”

So the extravagant opening is no longer opening or extravagant. Glitter has been returned. Horses have been put down. Jobs have been lost, Obama. What now? Where will our celebrities settle amongst the stars?

Michelle Williams: “I’m a voice over punch-up for Disney, so look forward to me doing extra screams in the next Star Wars.”

Brandon Boyd: “I have a new inspiring band that was and will inspire artists of all ages – wait where are you going?”

brandon boyd

JC Chasez: “Will that be paper or plastic?”

Johnny Rotten: “Listen, stop bothering me. I’m busy filling up this Wild Turkey bottle with spit. Lord Andrew Llyod Webber is about to be here, and we are going to paint this town red! Move before his top hat swallows you.”

I will forever treasure the conception of this magnificent play and do hope it will return, once Johnny Rotten and Lord Webber return from fighting crime, or whatever. To theater!!!