Edward Snowden has been living outside the United States since June of 2013. Do you realize how much television, er, family/friends he’s been missing? It’s an unforgivable amount. However, the arrival of 2016 brings Edward good news. By the end of January Netflix will be streaming in Russia! Now who’s getting Eastern Cock Bloc’d? Not the former Soviet Union! They will be ushered into the millennials with all the old 90’s films they forgot they loved but even better, they’ll have access to that sweet nectar of the Gods: Netflix original programming. In the two years since O Captain, Our Captain Edward Snowden had to flee the U.S., Netflix has taken a hot shit-dump on cable with their amazing content. And, since Snowden is currently the king of Twitter, he’ll be able to gush about all the new shows along with the rest of us. To ease Edward into the most amazing invention since the AOL Disc (meet me in TeenzTreasonChat69), I’ve assembled a few of my faves so he can get this Communist Party started!
House of Cards started in February of 2013 with sexually ambiguous Senator Frank Underwood, played by sexually ambiguous Kevin Spacey. Great casting choice! This means Edward only got to watch the first season and has essentially been stuck in House of Cards purgatory for two years. Without divulging too much, here’s why House of Cards is perfect for the Guy Wanted for Treason Currently Living in Russia who has it all. Frank is now the President of the United States and boy is he a corrupt bastard. He’s also bisexual. Now, isn’t that two things foreign countries probably tell themselves about the United States all the time? At least half of those is probably true! There’s even a little From Russia With Love crossover when Frank tries to hit on the wife of the President of Russia. That’d be like if Obama tried to hit on Putin’s horse.
Eddie just missed the country being gripped by the frenzy that is Orange is the New Black as Netflix released it (pun 100% intended) into the world in July of 2013. He has yet to know the joy that is a blonde white person from a good background being sent to prison. Wait a minute. This has shades of the Ghost of Christmas Future except Edward Snowden can actually get killed for treason and Piper is just going to keep learning how to make cosmetics from everyday prison products. This could be a helpful tutorial in the event Snowden ends up in prison, with a bunch of women, who get to go outside whenever they want, and have a greenhouse, and free reign of the place. Ah, nevermind.
If Edward Snowden ever gets to come back to America it will be as if he spent several years exiled in an underground bunker with a doomsday cult. At least that’s how I picture all of Russia, which is why the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt will really hit Snowden close to home, well not close to his actual home, his temporary home. Much like Kimmy Schmidt, played by the effervescent Ellie Kemper, Edward Snowden will marvel at the way the world has changed in his absence. Did you know you can get McDonald’s breakfast all day now? ALL DAY. You can die from eating a fresh McGriddle at 4 in the afternoon. Ed is going to need a crash course in assimilating back into the modern world and Kimmy Schmidt is just the gal to do it.
Snowden left* his grueling 9 to 5 job for personal** reasons and who better than Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin to know about trouble in the workplace? That’s right, two of the 9 to 5 ladies reunited for a little post-retirement bonanza called Grace and Frankie. Instead of dealing with a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot***, the ladies are dealing with starting over in their 70’s when they find out their husbands are in love with each other. Twist! Since Russia has a pretty firm (yes, another pun) stance on gay people**** this show will introduce Edward to today’s America, an America that legalized same-sex marriage in June of 2015 and an America that encourages the unlikely union of Law & Order with an Apocalypse Now. Laws during an apocalypse? What a shitty apocalypse.
*escaped under the cover of night
***Just like Putin
If anyone can solve this, Edward Snowden can.