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Hey, going out tonight??

While all those squares are out in the world battling nature and crowds like chumps, you and I will travel the world, experience exotic new foods,  all without leaving the comfort of our homes, dorms, mother’s basements etc. I’m talking home entertainment, baby! Are you strapped in (to your snuggies)?? Because it’s gonna be a mild ride!

OUT THIS WEEK & PROCEED WITH CAUTION:

  • Parker.

http://youtu.be/CJ4Nsu2tXTk

Generally considered to have been a bomb by critics and laymen alike, it has at least one redeeming quality: the sheer level of gorgeous spilling out at every (predictable) turn. I can’t say that Parker was all bad, though. What the  film lacked in convincing plot, it made up for it in actors. John Statham plays the titular Parker, and does a decent job at it and J. Lo plays a convincing divorcee’ . Rawr.

The Verdict? If its Friday night, and you’ve got time to blow, why not blow it watching these two hotties plot a heist?

OUT THIS WEEK & (MOSTLY) RECOMMENDED:

  • Daft Punk- Random Access Memories

This is my attempt to not be completely and blindly biased by my extreme love for Pharrell Williams. Normally, anything with his name attached would get an immediate 5 Chinese Throwing Stars out of me, and once you add Daft Punk into the mix, it becomes an active struggle for me not to stroke out from sheer excitement. This being said, I think that the anticipation for the album proved to be greater than anything the duo could realistically live up to. Don’t get me wrong, the album is still pretty amazing, but for those like me who expected to be immediately whisked into the sky on the backs of multicolored unicorns upon first hearing it, put your saddles away. Sadly, it seems we’ll have to wait until the next album for that. It still pretty much feels like this, though:

Oh, and to Pharrell, if you’re reading this:

 

OUT THIS WEEK & DEFINITELY WORTH YOUR TIME:

  • Dark Skies
http://youtu.be/9592F2RpRPo

Obviously, this is one on the list not based on merit. The film itself isn’t Oedipus Rex your eyeballs- awful, but it’s certainly not AFI movie of the millennium material either. No, no, this film makes the list for a completely different reason. Its ability for you to hone in on your art skills. Art of seduction skills, that is.

Jared Leto gets it. Been looking for an excuse to invite the hot girl from 4b up, but are completely devoid of a magic Statefarm agent?

Fear not, throw on this “horror” film and watch her melt into your arms. Or completely spazz out. You know, whatevs.

 

INSTANT NETFLIX VIEWING OF THE WEEK:

  • Arrested Development

Come on, you knew this one was coming. If you don’t have Netflix, buckle down and use the free trial to watch it! Already used your free trial (like me)? Then make a new email address, duh! Already used your debit card on the first sign up? Bust open that emergency credit card, (also like I did)! Look, I don’t care what you do, just get make sure you watch it. To be enjoyed with a frozen banana. Share your feelings with us afterwards here.

  •  Gangster Squad

With an ensemble cast consisting of Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, and a metric ton more huge stars, if nothing else, the film is going to be interesting. Set in the late 1940’s, the film tells the tale of notorious gangster Mickey Cohen and the police force’s mission to take him down. Also, Ryan Gosling.

ryan g

 

And as a bonus, this little gem i found whilst perusing the New Movies page on Redbox:

Out this Week and Confusing as Hell:

  • Nailbiter:

Nailbiter-dvd-cover

 

It’s synopsis describes it as: “Forced to take refuge from a deadly tornado, the Maguire family finds shelter in an abandoned storm cellar. As the storm passes, the family tries to make their way out only to realize that someone or something, not quite human, is holding them captive. Struggling to get out alive, they soon realize that they aren’t alone.”

… Wow… I have so many questions. Is the movie itself a nail-biter because of all the suspense?? Does the monster bite nails, leaving its victims with hangnails and infections to satiate his vendetta against the nailed population?? Was it a child constantly tormented in school, a la Carrie, for biting her nails until she finally snapped??? Rent the movie and please tell me. I fear for the safety of my gorgeous, manicured hands.

 

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