Weekend Ruiner is devoted to helping you find the saddest and/or grossest and/or most disturbing of movies, you know, to like, ruin your weekend or whatever. (Sorry.)
Oddly enough, today’s edition of Weekend Ruiner has the potential to improve your weekend while simultaneously making it much worse. I will explain how that is possible in just a minute, but first, let me introduce you to the film in question, which is called Frozen.
If you’re going “LET IT GO LET IT GO HOW COULD THIS MOVIE RUIN ANYTHING?!” then I am going, “No, not that Frozen. Definitely DEFINITELY not that Frozen.” I expect most of you would be able to tell the difference even in a rushed or careless Netflix search, but in the case that you MIGHT mistakenly enter into this train wreck of a movie, this post will serve as your fair warning.
Frozen is essentially about three young people (“youths” as they say on the street…) who get stuck on a chairlift at a ski resort for like, basically forever. I’m fairly positive that the plot was loosely based on this episode of Gastineau Girls:
So obviously the whole getting stuck in midair while it’s snowing thing is not ideal, but as we soon find out, things can get worse. (Like, A LOT worse.) One of the youths (the one who’s riding bitch seat in the chairlift) decides to jump down to safety, and obviously he breaks both of his legs upon impact. Again, that’s pretty bad, but things can always get badder. ENTER THE WOLVES. Yes, the mother fucking wolves. I don’t really want to spoil the action for you, but I will do it anyway: basically everyone gets eaten by the wolves. It is like Open Water, but for wintertime. NOT GOOD.
As per usual, it is the female member of the group who *maybe* survives; I say *maybe* because while someone rescues her and drives her to the hospital, we don’t actually see her receiving treatment for having been exposed to frigid air for (I repeat) like, basically forever. (This is not a feel good happy ending.)
If you are not a sociopath, you will likely feel pretty terrible after having watched this movie, not JUST because it is of terrible quality, but because you watched a lot of bad things happen to people INCLUDING being digested by wild animals. That shit is traumatic in any format.
How, then, could this possibly make your weekend BETTER? Well, it’s hot as balls out there, and while you could sit around complaining about the heat, you will now appreciate the fact that you could be stuck in a chairlift in subzero temperatures with no signs of help on the way, broken legs in tow, about to be devoured by furry predators. Like, seriously, just keep that in the back of your mind for the rest of the summer. You may suffer mild emotional trauma as a result, but at least you will feel okay about being sweaty, yeah? #SILVERLINING
*If you are somehow still interested in watching this movie, here, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT: