Weekend Ruiner is devoted to helping you find the saddest and/or grossest and/or most disturbing of movies, you know, to like, ruin your weekend or whatever. (Sorry.)
“After a one-night-stand, a young woman becomes alarmingly ill — but what she thinks is a sexually transmitted disease turns out to be far worse.” FAR WORSE INDEED…Contracted is a movie (available on Netflix) that will ruin the shit out of your weekend, and potentially your entire prospective love life.
Please don’t ask me why I ever thought it would be a good idea to watch this movie; it’s like, you watch ONE horror film on Netflix, and then all of a sudden your recommendations get ultra-tainted by other terrifying titles. (Anyway, after reading the description, I don’t know who WOULDN’T want to find out what could possibly be worse than an STD.)
The movie opens with a creepy guy fucking a dead body in a morgue. He then goes to a party and drugs a girl (who is a lesbian, by the way), has sex with her, and THEN SHE GRADUALLY TURNS INTO A ZOMBIE, PRESUMABLY BECAUSE OF THE RESIDUAL DEAD PERSON JUICE ON THE CREEPY GUY.
Her transition into zombie-dom is hugely disgusting (I’m talking maggots-falling-out-of-her-vagina disgusting), yet somehow she still doesn’t grasp the fact that she’s probably dealing with a little more than your average case of gonorrhea. Instead, she spends most of the duration being freaked out (rightfully so) and freaking other people out (also rightfully so) until the end, which is when she basically loses it and starts murdering people (her ex-girlfriend) / having sex with people (a guy who realizes halfway through that he’s fucking a half-rotten human and is like NOPE, NO THANK YOU) / presumably killing her own mother (after the mom tries to get the cops to NOT kill her daughter, #bummer) / ALL OF THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT GOOD.
Apart from ruining your weekend, this will ruin your appetite, both in the literal sense and the sexual one; you will most definitely not want to sleep with anyone, because who knows if they were just banging a corpse and now could potentially turn you into a zombie with STD-like symptoms? IT IS A RISK THAT NONE OF US CAN OR SHOULD EVER TAKE EVER AGAIN.
(Seriously, this should be the public school system’s new solution to sex education…if you force a horny teenager to watch this movie, you will effectively embed abstinence into their brains FOREVER. No more Sixteen and Pregnant because #ZOMBIES.)
Definitely do not watch if you are: 1. headed out for a date, 2. going to a party, 3. have a weak stomach, 4. are eating anything, 5. want to have a normal outlook on life ever again. (Otherwise, ENJOY.)