all photos: Jane Briggs.
all words: Jeff Jetton
all modelling: Jeff Jetton & Brock Boss
You are busy, dear reader. You probably have two jobs at this point. We know there’s a recession brewing, and it’s most likely here to stay. You’ve got to work extra hours to make ends meet. You are not alone. Beleaguered Detroit Automakers have been working double, even triple-overtime to make sure that they spend the 25 billion dollars worth of federal aid they just received, and spend it in STYLE. Nonsense, you say? Nonsense indeed.
Regardless, you don’t have hours to spend at the Auto Show, needlessly fretting over fuel economy and the age old leather vs. vinyl question. 15 minutes should do you well. Let’s be honest, though. Nobody’s actually buying anything in this economy. New cars? Right. Get a ZipCar Account and just hit the Auto Show for kicks.
Jeff and Brock return this month with the February installment of their monthly ’15 minutes’ column. This month we motored on over to the Washington Auto Show to see just how far the big three could stretch that 25 bill. You won’t be disappointed with the results. Here’s the story:
We started out looking for what any self-respecting auto show would have to offer: professional wrestlers. WAS did not disappoint. Both John Cena and Dave Batista were on hand from WWE to sign autographs. Local boy made good (or bad, depending on the week) Dave “the Animal” Batista isn’t actually as scary as he looks on TV. Our photographer, Jane Briggs, got him to ham it up for the camera a bit.
He’s so cute! Anyways, Brock couldn’t contain his lust for sport/entertainment and challenged some kid to a bit of BYW, BYT-style. That’s BackYard Wrestling, BrightestYoungThings-style, if you’re not into acronyms.
And they say this shit is fake:
I picked up Brock and dusted him off and we continued on our quest to see this year’s hot new models.
Of cars. Car models. Actual cars. Nevermind. But again, we got sidetracked. Rumour had it that there was a certain famous b-baller in the house. Indeed, Fred “Curly” Neal was on hand to give us some tips on how to properly spin a basketball on one’s fingertip. Check out the action:
Celebrities! Everyone loves them. They were everywhere you looked. Even that German-accented, Volkwagen Beetle was there. And it talked. Just like in the commercials. It’s even more annoying in-person. We hate that car.
Maybe you like it. I don’t know. Here’s one of the ads. I seriously hate this car:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le5Rx2xy8Y4
“If you aint first, you’re last.” -Ricky Bobby
You’re about five minutes in at this point. Time for a Pit Stop. Refuelling at the Auto Show means one thing. The same thing it meant at the Indy 500 and the Montgomery County Fair. Funnel Cake. Godamn, I love funnel cake. So do penguins.
The freakin’ cars never end:
God help us, there are so many cars.
The cars got really old. If it weren’t for the globetrotters and wrestlers and funnel cakes and hotrods and giant penguins and space-age backdrops, we would have been bored senseless. I’m not really trying to make a commentary on the state of the auto industry, but I didn’t see any car there that I would even want to buy.
The final leg of our tour de force brought us to a long, long line near the Toyota exhibit. I had emailed ahead of time and asked to have an interview with Jeanette “The Black Widow” Lee. You’ve most likely seen her on TV whipping ass at pool. I guess you could say she’s the Maria Sharapanova of billiards.
To be honest, Brock and I really didn’t have any interview questions for Jeanette aside from one:
“In a proper bar fight, is the preferred method of pool cue-wielding to crack the cue in half over one’s knee, producing two small Muchan-style sticks or is it to use the entire cue as more of a bo-staff? We are assuming that it would depend on the size and strength of one’s opponent and what weapons, if any, he/she was counter-attacking with, but wanted a professional opinion.”
Jeanette didn’t answer our question, instead suggested that we play a game of pool, two on one. In which she promptly whipped our asses. And talked a lot of shit. So here it is, our three-way with Jeanette Lee:
Losing is for losers. Remember what Ricky Bobby said? If you aint first, you’re last. So we decided to take on somebody at a more even skill-level. Children:
Alright, kids, there you go. All that in 15 minutes. You missed the Auto Show this year, but it’s going to be back next year (actually, maybe not considering the state of the industry) so you have plenty of time to get in shape to pull this off. Start working out, now. And practicing your billiards.
Special thanks to the folks at Cagle’s Billiards Sales who let us use their amazing pool table to get our asses handed to us and then to play pool with a roving band of about 19 12-year olds.
Here’s Brock trying his damndest to be an Import Model: