Underground DC Sports: Furlough Edition
Riley | Oct 16, 2013 | 10:30AM |

So you’re furloughed. You’ve had 15 days to catch up on sobbing softly into your alcohol while watching “House of Cards,” during which you’ve come to the horrible realization that its portrayal of government efficiency is laughably and depressingly optimistic.

It’s time to get up off that couch and get active, fatty! (Don’t worry, you’re still allowed to cry while exercising.) But, oh no! All the communal sports leagues had sign-ups months ago. It’s far too late for kickball, and even the edgier underground sports have full rosters by now: no bocce, bubble soccer, or quidditch for you.

Whatever, bro: those sports are all so surface, anyway. BYT is here to help with our hand-picked selection of seven sports you can start playing today, no sign-ups required.

  • THE GAME: Metro Pachinko
    PLAYERS: 2 – 20
    PACE: Steady
    HOW TO PLAY:
    Game begins when a plastic drink bottle filled with a mysterious substance starts rolling about on the floor of your metro car. You must not let this touch your feet. Difficulty: all players will and must pretend not to notice the bottle. If you take notice or make too large a gesture to avoid it, the bottle becomes your responsibility. Other players may stare at you and will attempt to guilt you into picking it up. If the bottle spills on you, the game ends, and you spend the rest of your life trying not to think about what was in that bottle. You will never feel fully clean.
    WIN CONDITIONS: Escape unscathed.

>>>>>>>>>>>> Here is a Featured Event >>>>>>>>>>>>
Thursday 03/30
Carlos Mencia from Mind of Mencia @ Arlington Cinema N Drafthouse
$30 / $30
Carlos Mencia is undoubtedly one of today’s most popular entertainers and comics. Whether it is man-on-the-street interviews, studio comedy, commercial parodies, nationwide sold-out tours, or films, Mencia demonstrates an extraordinary ability to connect with a wide and diverse audience. Mencia comes from a humble background, born in San Pedro Sula, Honduras, the 17th of 18 children. His parents sent him to the United States when he was about three months old, where he was raised in Maravilla Projects in Los Angeles, California by his aunt and uncle. In his early teens, Mencia moved back to Honduras because his family wanted him to avoid the destructive gang culture of East Los Angeles. When Mencia later returned to Los Angeles, he showed such educational prowess that he was immediately promoted to the tenth grade. Soon after, he successfully graduated from Garfield High School. Mencia began his career doing stand-up on amateur night. After he found success on the L.A comedy circuit, Mencia was named “International Comedy Grand Champion” from Buscando Estrellas (the Latino version of Star Search). This led to appearances on “In Living Color,” “The Arsenio Hall Show,” “Moesha” and “An Evening at the Improv.” In 1994, he hosted the HBO comedy series “Loco Slam” and in 1998 he hosted “Funny is Funny!” on Galavision. Mencia released a comedy album in 2000 called “Take a Joke, America” that showcased his brand of humor. Mencia continued his journey up the comedy ladder by headlining “The Three Amigos” tour with Freddy Soto and Pablo Francisco in 2002, which sold out in record time around the United States. He was also featured in the independent films, “Outta Time” and “29 Palms” and starred in guest spots on “The Shield” and “The Bernie Mac Show,” among others. In 2002, he received a CableACE Award nomination for Best Stand-Up Comedy Special for his HBO special. That same year, Mencia was featured on “Comedy Central Presents.” Mencia remained busy and after the success of his solo dvd, “Carlos Mencia: Not For The Easily Offended,” “Mind of Mencia” went into development. The show was an instant hit and after the first season, Comedy Central signed Mencia back for his own original stand-up special, “Carlos Mencia: No Strings Attached.” The special was the first Comedy Central Stand-up Special DVD to achieve Platinum sales status. “Mind of Mencia” debuted on Comedy Central in early 2005. It became one of the strongest shows in the network’s history, averaging about 1.5 million total viewers. “Mind of Mencia” was executive produced by Carlos Mencia and Robert Morton (“Late Night with David Letterman”). In the summer of 2007, Mencia starred opposite Ben Stiller and Michelle Monaghan in the Farrelly Brothers’ hit feature film, THE HEARTBREAK KID (DreamWorks). In the fall of that year Mencia headlined a nationwide comedy tour titled “Carlos Mencia Live Presented by Bud Light.” The highly anticipated tour brought Mencia face-to-face with his fans from September 2007 through December 2007. Shortly thereafter, Mencia taped a new comedy special for Comedy Central, “Carlos Mencia: Performance Enhanced,” that aired in May 2008. Since 2007, every holiday season Mencia has embarked on a USO Tour to the Persian Gulf to entertain the troops serving overseas. For his 2008 trip, Mencia visited Kuwait to host “Operation MySpace,” an exclusive concert for American Troops in the Middle East alongside Jessica Simpson and The Pussycat Dolls. The special aired on FX in April 2008. Mencia’s 2009 USO tour had stops in Turkey, Kirkuk, Baghdad, Qatar, Afghanistan, and many other countries. In July 2008, Mencia began his tour, “At Close Range” at Red Rock Amphitheatre in Colorado. The tour was sponsored by Bud Light and co-promoted by Icon Entertainment and Live Nation. Larger than all of his previous tours, Mencia performed in 80 cities across the country. In the summer of 2009, he kicked off a nationwide comedy tour entitled “The Administration of Laughter” which brought him to excited audiences all around the country. In March 2010, Mencia starred in the family comedy OUR FAMILY WEDDING (FOX Searchlight) alongside America Ferrara and Forrest Whitaker. In the last couple years, Mencia chose to go back to his comedic roots, performing at a number of comedy stores throughout the country – allowing him to share his newest material with smaller and more intimate audiences.
>>>>>>>>>>>> Ok, back to the article! >>>>>>>>>>>>

 

  • THE GAME: Name Drop Relay
    PLAYERS: 3+
    PACE: Steady
    HOW TO PLAY:
    Game begins when someone in your group at whatever fancy gala or benefit or black-tie-food-truck-fest you might attend (you go, you social climber, you) drops a name. The first player should drop a relatively low-fame name in order to sound vaguely humble. The next player must acknowledge the name and drop a name that either matches or slightly beats the previous play in notoriety. Each player may buff one of their plays by pairing it with a “my close personal friend” power up.
    WIN CONDITIONS: Drop a name that cannot be trumped by any other players; alternatively, be the last player to name-drop before the conversation gets absurdly unbelievable—this is known as a “Bill Murray” win.
    Note: Automatic DQ for all players if Jose Andres card is not played at some point during game.

 

  • THE GAME: Petition Dodge
    PLAYERS: 2-3 players
    PACE: Strenuous
    HOW TO PLAY:
    You must attempt to maneuver behind another pedestrian such that they are propositioned first by a canvasser/petitioner, allowing you to walk past unmolested. Equipping earbuds or sunglasses greatly improve your odds; both at once guarantee safe passage. However, if you are walking completely outside of a pack, be prepared to execute a last-second dodge, as the canvasser will attempt to block your path.
    WIN CONDITIONS: Keep your money.
    Note: Automatic loss if the canvasser is not wearing an obvious campaign t-shirt/clipboard, and shes’ kinda cute, and she’s waving like she fucking knows you or something. We’re also pretty sure that’s illegal.

 

  • THE GAME: B-List Celebrity Snap!
    PLAYERS: 2+ players
    PACE: Strenuous
    HOW TO PLAY:
    Walk around DC with some friends who are visiting from out of town, and with a camera. Hey do you see that guy over there? You know, that guy who looks kinda like a deflated Jabba the Hutt? I think that’s Grover Norquist! Take a picture, dude.
    WIN CONDITIONS: At the end of the round, Professor Oak will judge and score your photos for size, framing, and action. If your total score beats a previous photo of that same celebrity, it will replace the old photo in your pokemon scrapbook.

 

  • THE GAME: Federal Trespasser
    PLAYERS: 1+
    PACE: Strenuous
    HOW TO PLAY:
    Did you know those dinky plastic orange barriers that went up around your favorite park do not, in fact, contain human-repelling force fields? Go for your regularly scheduled run/jaunt/attempted-shaming-of-a-federal-parks-employee-whose-paycheck-you-just-cut, but now with the added thrill of trespassing on federal property.
    WIN CONDITIONS: Don’t get caught.
    Note: Brightest Young Things does not actually advise that you do this, and disavows any responsibility for you attempting to do so.

 

  • THE GAME: Snow Sprint
    PLAYERS: however many people are in your office
    PACE: Strenuous
    HOW TO PLAY:
    Have the OPM website bookmarked (unless, you know, it’s shut down) and your F5 key ready for some abuse. Game starts at the first sign of snow (bonus points for being first in the office to observe the snow). All players attempt to be the first one to find out and announce to the office that the government is closing early due to weather. Assuming the government ever opens again, that is.
    WIN CONDITIONS: Technically the first person out the door wins, but you’ll all be stuck in the same traffic for the next few hours, so it’s really more of a pyrrhic victory.

 

  • THE GAME: Snidely Whiplashing
    PLAYERS: 535, give or take
    PACE: GRUELING
    HOW TO PLAY:
    Take the government hostage, hogtie it, and leave it in the path of an oncoming train. Refuse to release it unless paid a ransom pleasing only to the small minority of your constituents who don’t realize you’re dicking them over. Cartoonishly tweaking your moustache is optional but strongly encouraged.
    WIN CONDITIONS: No one wins at Snidely Whiplashing. Just lay back and hope that the fucking you receive is a relatively gentle one.

 

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