So you’re furloughed. You’ve had 15 days to catch up on sobbing softly into your alcohol while watching “House of Cards,” during which you’ve come to the horrible realization that its portrayal of government efficiency is laughably and depressingly optimistic.
It’s time to get up off that couch and get active, fatty! (Don’t worry, you’re still allowed to cry while exercising.) But, oh no! All the communal sports leagues had sign-ups months ago. It’s far too late for kickball, and even the edgier underground sports have full rosters by now: no bocce, bubble soccer, or quidditch for you.
Whatever, bro: those sports are all so surface, anyway. BYT is here to help with our hand-picked selection of seven sports you can start playing today, no sign-ups required.
- THE GAME: Metro Pachinko
PLAYERS: 2 – 20
PACE: Steady
HOW TO PLAY:
Game begins when a plastic drink bottle filled with a mysterious substance starts rolling about on the floor of your metro car. You must not let this touch your feet. Difficulty: all players will and must pretend not to notice the bottle. If you take notice or make too large a gesture to avoid it, the bottle becomes your responsibility. Other players may stare at you and will attempt to guilt you into picking it up. If the bottle spills on you, the game ends, and you spend the rest of your life trying not to think about what was in that bottle. You will never feel fully clean.
WIN CONDITIONS: Escape unscathed.
- THE GAME: Name Drop Relay
PLAYERS: 3+
PACE: Steady
HOW TO PLAY:
Game begins when someone in your group at whatever fancy gala or benefit or black-tie-food-truck-fest you might attend (you go, you social climber, you) drops a name. The first player should drop a relatively low-fame name in order to sound vaguely humble. The next player must acknowledge the name and drop a name that either matches or slightly beats the previous play in notoriety. Each player may buff one of their plays by pairing it with a “my close personal friend” power up.
WIN CONDITIONS: Drop a name that cannot be trumped by any other players; alternatively, be the last player to name-drop before the conversation gets absurdly unbelievable—this is known as a “Bill Murray” win.
Note: Automatic DQ for all players if Jose Andres card is not played at some point during game.
- THE GAME: Petition Dodge
PLAYERS: 2-3 players
PACE: Strenuous
HOW TO PLAY:
You must attempt to maneuver behind another pedestrian such that they are propositioned first by a canvasser/petitioner, allowing you to walk past unmolested. Equipping earbuds or sunglasses greatly improve your odds; both at once guarantee safe passage. However, if you are walking completely outside of a pack, be prepared to execute a last-second dodge, as the canvasser will attempt to block your path.
WIN CONDITIONS: Keep your money.
Note: Automatic loss if the canvasser is not wearing an obvious campaign t-shirt/clipboard, and shes’ kinda cute, and she’s waving like she fucking knows you or something. We’re also pretty sure that’s illegal.
- THE GAME: B-List Celebrity Snap!
PLAYERS: 2+ players
PACE: Strenuous
HOW TO PLAY:
Walk around DC with some friends who are visiting from out of town, and with a camera. Hey do you see that guy over there? You know, that guy who looks kinda like a deflated Jabba the Hutt? I think that’s Grover Norquist! Take a picture, dude.
WIN CONDITIONS: At the end of the round, Professor Oak will judge and score your photos for size, framing, and action. If your total score beats a previous photo of that same celebrity, it will replace the old photo in your pokemon scrapbook.
- THE GAME: Federal Trespasser
PLAYERS: 1+
PACE: Strenuous
HOW TO PLAY:
Did you know those dinky plastic orange barriers that went up around your favorite park do not, in fact, contain human-repelling force fields? Go for your regularly scheduled run/jaunt/attempted-shaming-of-a-federal-parks-employee-whose-paycheck-you-just-cut, but now with the added thrill of trespassing on federal property.
WIN CONDITIONS: Don’t get caught.
Note: Brightest Young Things does not actually advise that you do this, and disavows any responsibility for you attempting to do so.
- THE GAME: Snow Sprint
PLAYERS: however many people are in your office
PACE: Strenuous
HOW TO PLAY:
Have the OPM website bookmarked (unless, you know, it’s shut down) and your F5 key ready for some abuse. Game starts at the first sign of snow (bonus points for being first in the office to observe the snow). All players attempt to be the first one to find out and announce to the office that the government is closing early due to weather. Assuming the government ever opens again, that is.
WIN CONDITIONS: Technically the first person out the door wins, but you’ll all be stuck in the same traffic for the next few hours, so it’s really more of a pyrrhic victory.
- THE GAME: Snidely Whiplashing
PLAYERS: 535, give or take
PACE: GRUELING
HOW TO PLAY:
Take the government hostage, hogtie it, and leave it in the path of an oncoming train. Refuse to release it unless paid a ransom pleasing only to the small minority of your constituents who don’t realize you’re dicking them over. Cartoonishly tweaking your moustache is optional but strongly encouraged.
WIN CONDITIONS: No one wins at Snidely Whiplashing. Just lay back and hope that the fucking you receive is a relatively gentle one.
