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My real life isn’t very exciting but my Twitter life is where I really shine. You might say it’s the new SIM City. On Twitter I can be whomever I want, whether it’s someone who just needs to get up at 3 am to eat a cookie and let everyone know about it or engage in a Twitter feud with someone else you don’t really care about, like Marc Maron. Either way, Twitter is where I’ve poured my entire heart and soul. Going public will probably make Twitter that much better. After all it worked for Facebook, right? Having more money to throw around means a lot of changes will be in their future, like maybe my feed which switch from the right side of the page to the left, crazy ideas like that! In an effort to help Twitter further increase its worth I’ve come up with a few helpful moneymaking ideas.

The Real Housewives of Twitter

Going public is a lot like becoming famous and the first thing one should do with their fame is get a reality show, like The Real Housewives of Twitter. I can’t wait to see people like Rob Delaney and Shelby Fero trapped in a mansion together undertaking tasks to ensure they don’t get kicked out of the house. Delaney will have to formulate a Tweet that will successfully translate to standup and Fero will have to finally shed the shackles of her fake low self-esteem, her faux esteem. At some point they’ll both have to eat a mouthful of spiders and Tweet about it because we love watching people eat spiders and shit on TV.


Nike Twitters

Celebrities in the public eye absolutely have to get their own shoe line. It’s a must. The new Nike Twitters will be completely white and will come with an erasable marker to be used to write all your thoughts on them. You will be limited to 140 characters of course. You can also RT and favorite other people’s shoes by writing a little RT or drawing a star on them. And if you want you can just steal a Tweet like some folks love to do, which means stealing someone else’s shoes. This is great because you’ll have several pairs!

Twitter: The Movie

There is nothing I want to do more than sit in a theater and watch a movie about other people Tweeting. It’s gotta be in black and white of course because Twitter is nothing if not an art. Don’t forget to Live Tweet the experience so that you are essentially Live Tweeting other people Tweeting. This is actually a sequel to Inception. Joseph Gordon Levitt is already on board. Jesse Eisenberg will reprise his role as Mark Zuckerberg because the climax of the film is a battle to the death between Twitter and Facebook. America loves bloodshed!


HBO Presents: Twitter

Sam is an ordinary man living in an ordinary town with one small problem, he has 140 characters living in his head. His inner world is a constant battle of parody accounts, Twitterbots, fast food promotions and celebrities who are clearly much better in their films than they are in the real world. How does he quiet the 140 voices in his head? Murder is the only way. This show will quickly become a “favorite.”


The Apple twItter

This iPad comes with one program: Twitter. It only runs one program: Twitter. Do not attempt to download any books or visit any other website that is not Twitter.