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Movies Released this week. Judged before they were even seen. Up next: Harry Potter the US version, Jenifer Lopez orders Omarion around and a four year old child paints way better than you. Or does she?


Rating system clarification:
4 doublewides: Trade in your food stamps and Oxycontins, grab your chain-smoking pregnant woman and go see this movie NOW.
3 doublewides: Ask your cousin/uncle who takes tickets at the local multiplex to let you in the exit door to see this movie.
2 doublewides: wait til you can pick up a bootleg DVD copy at the flea market and watch it with the kids. It’ll shut em up better than a swig of Old Crow.
1 doublewide: avoid this like you avoid calls from the credit card company.
0 doublewides: worse than your meth lab blowing up.

The Seeker: The Dark is Rising

I forget already, is the main character’s name Harry something? Ima gonna go write a children’s novel now, and Ima gonna make sure the kid has superpowers and a British accent. Ima gonna make millions!!!
2.5 doublewides out of 4

The Heartbreak Kid

Ben Stiller will never find love! He also will shake uncontrollably with rage in a semi-humorous manner, and then get attacked by a small furry animal, quite possibly in the nuts region. Dear Farrelly brothers: There’s Something About Mary, this ain’t.
1.5 doublewides out of 4

My Kid Could Paint That

I remember when I was a kid, I wrote a story in the second grade that was a ripoff of Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume. I won first prize in the whole school. I’ve got nothing on this kid. Or do I?
4 doublewides out of 4

Finishing the Game

This movie will make me laugh so hard I will die of cerebral edema. Either that or I’ll get shot by a real bullet that’s supposed to be a blank.
3 doublewides out of 4.

Feel The Noise

Finally, something for all the people who wanted a reggaeton movie produced by Jennifer Lopez.
2 doublewides out of 4