Now that Labor Day Weekend is done the weather is finally going to start getting cooler, maybe…if you don’t believe scientists which who does. Prove global warming science, look at how many facts the Bible has! Anyway, once that weather finally turns (against us) it’s gonna be all about those late-summer/early-fall picnics! In order to partake in this yearly DC tradition, start stocking up on wine and cheese for the festivities.
If you didn’t know already, the type of cheese you bring to picnics says a lot about who you are as a person. In order to help you be your most sophisticated self we went to the Trader Joe’s on 14th and picked out a few cheeses that you could dazzle some guests with, unless they’re vegan (nerds). Please take these guidelines very seriously.
- DO NOT bring pre-sliced cheese. You especially do NOT want to bring “A Real Crowd Cheeser.” JUST. DO. BETTER.
- If you still insist on bringing pre-sliced cheese, at least go Spanish. With this Iberico, Cabra Al Vino, and Manchego sampler, you will look very worldly! Like maybe you went to a Pablo Picasso exhibit once!
- Nothing says ‘MURICA more than bacon! If you bring bacon cheddar cheese to any picnic you will definitely be the life of the picnic, and the death because bacon and cheese will both kill you but so will the environment (ha science) so who cares. Additionally, since cheddar is basically the bro of all cheeses, this is could be a serious asset. Who says bro’s can’t be sophisticated? Maybe you’ve never seen Revenge of the Nerds.
- The Italian truffle cheese is a delicate and soft cheese with a very strong truffle flavor. If you’re not into that, do not consume this cheese. But also, bringing cheese to a picnic is not about you, it is about impressing the other attendees. So definitely bring this cheese and talk about how you went Truffle hunting in Tuscany earlier in the summer. This will definitely up your sophistication score.
- You cannot be sophisticated if you do not know your wine and cheese pairings. You could make it easier for yourself by going with the Creamy Toscano Cheese soaked in Syrah. This cheese has been soaked in TJ’s Coastal Syrah, so don’t forget to bring two bottles of that. One bottle for your guests and one bottle for you alone. Things to talk about while impressing the other attendees with your proficiency in wine and cheese pairings include: feeding penguins in Antarctica, kayaking down the Amazon, or annexing Crimea.
- By now, the sophistication meter has already reached a high-level, but if you really want to be convincing, you must go French. A camembert or a roquefort is generally a good choice. TJs has both! Never bring a Brie. It’ such an obvious choice you peasant. And remember, the smellier, or the moldier (as the case may be), the better. Impress your guests with the ability to not die while eating the cheese (but it is killing your slowly). Also, talk in French (Faux French also works). Brush up on your language skills by watching Flight of the Concords “Foux Da Fa Fa”! Hon Hon Hon!
- The final level of sophistication can be reached by bringing a unique cheese, such as the White Stilton with Apricot, or the Red Leicester with peppers, or even the Pesto Gouda. But obviously these come with their own level of risk – since they are so unique, they may not sit well with everyone’s palette. The cheese purists will probably pooh-pooh on your decision to bring these cheeses. But it is exactly your avant-gardiste choices that will up your sophistication quotient. FUCK THE PURISTS! NOTHING IS BINARY!
If your sophisticated choices aren’t appreciated it isn’t your fault, or mine. It’s TJ’s fault for making everything so available. (JK – we love you TJ’s! Never leave us! Also – please stop upping the prices of your wine – kthx!)