Every week, when I troll the Internet for good, entertaining content, once and a while I find something that makes me question the integrity of my sense of humor (fat people taking bad spills? Check. People with disorders that remind me of my life? Check). I like when things are morbid and insensitive and maybe just a little bit sexy, all at the same time. Which is why this first clip this week has found an extra special, warm cuddly spot in my heart.
1. Power Top: My Car is My Lover (click link to see video)
That’s Edward, and he is in a sexual relationship with his car. Now, the clip provided places you right smack dab in the middle of the BBC documentary, so I’m not sure if the white Volkswagen bug has a name (she looks like a Lucy or Leslie to me). However, I do know that Edward gets a big boner at 1:54 as he seduces a trampy looking Corvette (the things I do in the name of research).
This is a new one for me – I’ve heard of people having sex with trees, dead bodies, life-sized (and anatomically correct) dolls, their pets and animals that are not their pets, COMPLETE STRANGERS (how kinky!) … but never with cars. Any of you into this thing?
Funny story – I remember snooping around my ex-boyfriend’s room once and finding a stack of car magazines clandestinely stashed underneath his bed, where normal boys would keep their porno with its crusted and pasted-together pages. I’m starting to suspect something here…
Jacob Sharpe, will you marry me? This guy does not fuck around. The video takes a little while to start up, but he keeps you entertained by stretching and warming up half-naked. Reminds me of high school gym class all over again!
Once those tight little pink shorts come on and the Kanye revs up, all bets are off – its like a street performance in the Castro (home sweet home!). Even if he were clothed I think his skills and his personality would still be compelling enough to make this video worthwhile. It also helps that he’s a big flirt (check the video out around 3:13).
America’s got talent! Write this chick a role on Sesame Street somehow, or get her a contract dubbing animal voices on Animal Planet. Better yet – get her a show on Animal Planet, co-hosted by Randall, the dude who made that clip of the honey-badger oh-so awesome. I am squealing with joy on the inside just imagining all the possibilities.
In the comments on the youtube clip and where I originally saw it, on Buzzfeed, guys are practically creaming their pants a-la Edward next to the white Corvette (see: 1. Power Top) at this girl and her … talents. What do you think – are animal noises hot?
4. Bottom: Your Cute Summer Look
This is already the look I strive for every summer day, but I’ve never figured out how to masterfully translate this hot daytime trend to summer nights (and afterhours fun). Well, some Japanese geniuses must have been wondering the same thing, because they have cut my search for the perfect nighttime jort look short (yay puns and rhyming). For only $61 dollars (and $18 s/h), you can get your very own pair of boxer breifs that look just like jean shorts! That’s right – those are cotton briefs. Watch out, jeggings, there’s a new kid in town, although $79 seems a little steep for something that is completely impractical and useless.
That being said, I’ll probably skip this one, considering most summer nights I pass out face down on the floor of my living room in all my clothes, anyway.
5. How To Get a Guy to Notice You While You’re Having Sex With Him
Two things: A) I know this is targeted at heterosexual women and B) I usually despise the Onion because of their complete lack of relevance to real things, but A) lets be honest, sensitive hetero boys and queer kids of all genders have this problem, too and B) I have a blog column on pop culture, so lets keep it real. That being said, this is really funny! Watch it! It’ll keep you from crying the next time the guy you’re hooking up with doesn’t know your name, calls you by a different name, or blames his lack of sexual interest on whiskey dick.
On a lighter note, have a great weekend! At least, one better than this guy:
… but I don’t imagine that should be too hard to do. HARD! Barf. Shoutout to Lindsey for the puke currently swirling around in my mouth.