Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
[email protected] | Apr 13, 2012 | 12:30PM |

As far as I’m concerned, these days, if you drove a line down the middle of the most relevant pop culture “happenings,” half of them would be amateur and the other half would be celebrity or mainstream-related. We live in a day and age when what happens on the Internet amongst everyday folks is just as relevant as the most popular television shows, or whatever the hell it is Suri Cruise is wearing these days.

Fortunately for us, Suri Cruise is not on the top 5 this week.

This week, amateurs have definitely taken over. I mean, we could talk about Texts From Hillary Clinton and Kim Kardashian’s business with Kanye West, but chances are you already know all about that. Let’s get our hands a little dirtier this week, shall we?

1. Safe Sex Geriatric Top: Safer Sex For Seniors

I understand the need to be careful in the bedroom, but what they don’t tell you is watching this video may actually be harmful to your health for other reasons – disturbing, visual reasons, to be more precise.

No, but really – this is really fucking cute and awesome. If you have the balls to do a commercial like this, both behind the camera and in front, then mad props. It has been a while since I wrote about old people and how awesome they are, and reminds me of a classic which I wrote about in the beginning of my tenure here at Brightest Young Things – check it out:

What do you think – can old people still have fun being “sexy,” or would you rather have them wrap it up underneath a hand-knit sweater and six feet of dirt?

2. Scary Top: Horror Movies Are Way In

Growing up, I never was a fan of the horror movie genre – I liked adventure flicks and dramedies, with maybe a hint of horror thrown in for good measure (does anyone else remember Jack the Bear? God, I love Danny DeVito). But in recent times I’ve started to really get into zombie flicks, and am kind of obsessed with”The Walking Dead,” just like the rest of America.

And just like the rest of America, I am wondering two things: 1) How long would I last in a horror movie situation, or in the zombie apocalypse, and 2) what the fuck is my game-plan?

I always kind of figured I would probably accidentally get alcohol poisoning and die on the toilet minutes before the actual apocalypse happened, or perhaps fall down the stairs on the way to the getaway car. One or the other. Or probably something else equally stupid. But now, there is a chart to help you figure that out, courtesy of College Humor, which you can find here. It’s also below for your reference:

And if you want to take your chances and create a game-plan, then you should definitely visit Map of the Dead, which is a zombie-centric version of Google Maps. It also pretty much rules in every way possible. It directs you to hospitals, gun shops, outdoors stores and provides an awesome overview of areas that are likely to be crawling with the undead. The good news – zombies probably aren’t savvy enough to figure out how to use Map of the Dead. The bad news – in a place as densely populated as Washington, DC, you probably will be dead before you even have to worry about something like that.

Good luck, sucker!

3. Versatile and Delicious: A Flavor You Will Definitely Want to Savor

Okay, let’s start with the obvious question – is this fucking for real? Like, seriously – the 90s were really fucked up, and not just because they were sexually liberating (is there anything more sexually liberating than this song and video? I mean, come on…). On one hand, I really want to believe that this is a real thing. But on the other, probably because I’m a flaming homo, I really want to pretend like I never saw this.

And can we just have one collective “blllleeeeeccchhhhhh” for, “Spicy fajita?! Ay ay AY!” I understand this about as much as I understand anyone who gets a boner upon hearing “Mad Men” or “Game of Thrones.”

BRB, dry heaving.

4. Furry Bottom: Purple Panda Fail

If it is giant and purple and it isn’t Barney or Grimace, I would be running, too. Save yourselves! Every man for himself! They have finally come to take us all!

But, no, really – what were these kids expecting when poor Mr. McFeely prefaced the appearance of the horrifying mascot by, “purple panda”? I mean, they asked for a purple panda, and they got a purple panda. Personally, if my child was in that classroom, I would be more horrified by the notion of a teacher named Mr. McFeely. For serious.

Speaking of horrifying mascots, what do you think about this easter bunny?:

What about this Santa Claus?:

If your initial reaction was, “Yikes,” then we’re on the same page.

5. Skinny Bottom: James Van Der Beek in Skinny Jeans

Okay, fine – so although amateurs were big this week, I couldn’t resist this awesome video of the adorable James Van Der Beek trying to sell us all a pair of skinny jeans (as though we needed to be persuaded).

Actually, this is an advertisement for the new television show, “Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23,” but it has also effectively made me want to slip into the tightest pair of 510s I have and strut down the street. Way to go, Dawson.

He probably hates hearing that by now. Why isn’t he cast in more things, again? I miss him!

Alright, folks, have an awesome weekend, and if you will be in the process of moving to a new house or apartment, as I will be, remember – this is not an effective way to paint your new bedroom:

Willow Smith, at the tender age of 11, has started a revolution.