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So if you’re butch, you’re gearing up for the Superbowl this weekend. If you’re not, then you’re excited about the Ferris Bueller ad, the sexy David Beckham ad, or even the John Stamos commercials which will debut in the most coveted commercial time slots all year, not to mention Madonna’s half-time performance. Hopefully, it’s a lot better than that awful Black Eyed Peas performance from last year, or any number of train-wreck Super Bowl performances in recent years. Need a refresher on last year?


Anyway, onto bigger and better things, ya?

1. Intergalactic Top: Star Wars For The Gays?

Yes, FINALLY – my thirst for fictional computerized gay relationships and for living in a galaxy far, far away can finally be satiated at the same well – those good ol’ boys at Bioware are allowing gays to mack freely in the new Star Wars: The Old Republic game. Reason enough to dump my Macbook and make the switch over to a PC. Almost reason enough, rather.

(Hey, whatever happened to that guy?)

Bioware is taking a lot of shit from the religious right, obviously, because to them, gay people have no place in video games, nor in the Star Wars galaxy, making a mess of highly impressionable minds. They obviously have never played the Sims, which may possibly be the gayest video game ever.

And, really – to the religious right, if gays had ANY place in this universe, it would have to be in a galaxy far, far away, wouldn’t it? I mean, lots of them don’t even believe dinosaurs ever existed.

Whenever the religious right gets all preachy with me, this is generally the face I make:

2. Jurassic Top: T-Rex Trying Things

I love dinosaurs. I know I’m going to get a dinosaur tattoo on my body at some point, I just haven’t found the appropriate design  yet. Part of me wants something badass, like a dinosaur skeleton:

There was also a cute song my sister and I used to sing when we were kids called, “Danny the Dancing Dinosaur,” so I always thought a picture of a dancing dinosaur wearing a bow-tie would be adorable. Side note: don’t google “dancing dinosaur,” or you’ll find this:

But I digress – “T-Rex trying things” is the newest meme going around on the Interwebs, and it’s super cute and super fun. Here are some of my favorites, but you can see a whole mess of them here.

And if that doesn’t get you off, maybe this will?

3. Versatile … But Gross: The Flu Season Pillow

Flu season is almost behind us, but allergy season is right around the corner, so this nifty little pillow still might come in handy for the next few months. Now, I did a little research and haven’t been able to find where one might be able to purchase one of these interesting bedroom accessories, so I’m thinking it’s an Internet gag meant to make people giggle rather than actually inquire about it’s price. I mean, it is actually pretty ridiculous – you’d have to be a special breed of lazy to not want to have to roll over and grab a tissue from the nightstand.

Plus, I can hear it now: “Dad, why are all my tissues crunchy?”

If you don’t have the flu and are less inclined to relieve your loneliness by sticking your penis through a hole in a warm soft orifice, then the Hug Me pillow might be right for you – just in time for Valentine’s Day!:

My thoughts? This chic totally has a Hug Me pillow:

4. Don’t Give a Fuck Bottoms: Celebrities Getting High

I’ve always been a fan of celebrities on drugs – they are funny. Just ask Courtney Love:

And don’t forget Whitney Houston:

Celebrities on drugs are hilarious. But the fun stops when someone gets hospitalized, like Demi Moore did this week. What a bummer. And no one really seems to know why she was hospitalized – at first, they were saying Whip-Its, which are the straight people version of poppers. Then they were saying a Red Bull addiction, which I didn’t even realize people could get addicted to. Now, it’s gotten kind of quiet and dark so I’m not exactly sure what to believe. I still think Whip-Its, though.

Meanwhile, on reality TV, Joan Rivers got high this week by taking hits of weed out of a pipe and a bong. Good for her! Her don’t-give-a-shit attitude really shined through this week, one of the many things I like about her. Say what you will, but she’s had a great, long career in a time when women weren’t really respected, and she’s still doing it. She’s still really sharp and really funny, which I like about her, as well. So if she wants to get high – let her do it. She’s earned it.

Check out the clip below:


Lots of people are saying the clip is fake – personally, fake or not, I didn’t realize that you could put shit like this on TV. What do you think – real, or fake?

5. Schooled Bottoms: I Don’t Miss School At All

Teenagers being assholes is nothing new, but in my years as a high school student or even in college, I didn’t have Youtube to document all those moments I’d rather forget. Kids these days do, and they are using it to make asses of themselves. It makes for great comedic value, however, so I appreciate it.

In this first clip, students from the University of Missouri put together an unintentionally funny and campy music video to celebrate their love for the Missouri Tigers and to bash on Kansas. It’s really quite awful, and the one black guy in this video should be so ashamed to have willingly participated in this hot mess. Please, only listen if your eardrums can take a serious beating. And I apologize to those of you who play the song before reading this disclaimer.

The second clip is from across the pond – an epic rap battle between an asshole douchebag 17-year-old and his high school English teacher. The 17-year-old, Blizzard, goes first and does adequately well. I’m pretty sure he thought he had it in the bag until his teacher, Mark Grist, unleashes all of Hades on him and humiliates him in front of a group of his peers. Talk about second hand embarrassment.

To redeem the youth of America (and the world), here are some adorable and really sage answers by little kids on questions about marriage. Enjoy!

Hope you’ve enjoyed the column this week, folks – here is a cute little song to send you off into the weekend, courtesy of Ok Go who were on Sesame Street this week. ADORABLENESS ENSUES: