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Happy New Years, tops and bottoms (and you vers kids, too)! My New Years resolution? Start Wikipedia-ing things I already know about. So far, I’ve discovered if you Wikipedia “tops and bottoms,” you get this. Very disturbing. Never again. This is where I warn you that the content is NSFW. But I won’t. Oh, wait …

So let’s hop to it, shall we? I know you were just DYING of boredom over the holidays. I know you went through withdrawls. I know you kicked dogs and pushed old ladies out of the way to get onto the bus. I know you took that one last whiskey shot that left you mopping vomit off your bathroom floor at 4am in a drunken haze. I know, I know. So let’s go.

1. Power Top: Zooey Deschanel Is On The Market Again

I have to admit I still kind of hate this woman for her very believable portrayal of the frigid bitch Summer Finn in, “500 Days of Summer.” Despite the role, however, she seems like a very nice lady. After all, Ben Gibbard, that emo kid from Death Cab For Cutie, wouldn’t have married her in the first place, right? Right?

Well, those two crazy kids are getting divorced and the “New Girl” star is back on the dancefloor when Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” starts to play. Good for the straight fellas. Bad for everyone else.

So who do you think would be a good match for Ms. Deschanel? The obvious choice is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, in my opinion. Especially once you see this video of them jamming together. So cute it makes you want to hurl. Or hurl your significant other out a window for lack of charm and adorableness.

Here are some other cute contenders for Zooey:

Jason Segel – if he’s good enough for play opposite Amy Adams and Cameron Diaz, he can definitely hang with Zooey

Dave 1 from Chromeo – To satiate that love of rock stars she obviously has

Amanda Bynes – in case she wants to try something new!

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see who she dates, eh?

2. Dancing Top of the Graves: Grandma Dancing To Rack City

The first new viral video of someone dancing unabashedly! And someone rapping unabashedly, too. I don’t know what is more embarrasing – the grandma’s dansing, the fakt that this kid is rechording his grandmother dansing,  his bad lip singing, or the grammer in this sentance. Grandma obviously doesn’t know the power of Facebook or the Internet – I doubt she’d allow herself to be recorded in such a way if she did.

She better watch out, though – she’s got some stiff competition…

from this 90 year old fossil dancing to LMFAO:

And from Leslie David Baker, who portrays Stanley Hudson on “The Office”:

3. So Hungry, They’re Vers: Obese Children Are Not Cool

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaFhB1fu31k&feature=youtu.be

There is a new ad campaign in Georgia, the second highest state in the country with childhood obesity (who’s number one? Probably Texas, amiright?). The PSA above is from that campaign. If you think it’s harsh, then you probably are a fat child. Or have a fat child. Or know a fat child. Or live on the same planet as a fat child. We should all be offended by this, I think – it’s not the child’s fault. It is the fault of irresponsible parenting and our bullshit country’s obsession with consumption. There. Putting my political soap box away now.

Fat people can rule! Here are some of my favorite fat people!

Rosanne


John Goodman


Rosanne and John Goodman sitting on things together


Fat Jennifer Hudson


Fat Jennifer Hudson singing next to Skinny Jennifer Hudson


Kate Moss (she’s fat on the inside)

Like Dat/Darra from Flavor of Love


Fat people need love, too! And they provide much needed comic relief.

4. Pounded Out Bottom: “Pound On My Muffin”

Ugh – I don’t even know what to say about this. I think the top comment on Youtube says it all – “ugh look at your face, even make up can’t cover that shit. Lay off the drugs.” Haha. Or my comment, which I imagine will be the top comment very soon:

“Watch out, Nicki Minaj!” – Nobody

What do you think? Do you want to pound on that muffin? And if you do … what the hell is wrong with you?

I’d listen to this one over that any day:

Alright, kids, I hope you enjoyed and that got you geared up for another amazing ride with Tops and Bottoms. Have a better weekend than Sandra Lee here. Or not as good? “Beautiful.”

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