One of the fundamental similarities between liberals and conservatives is that we all LOVE sluts. Our ability to admit to that varies, surely, as conservatives like keeping their sluts under wraps…
… whereas liberals like their sluts marching in the streets:
Sluts could arguably ultimately lead to world peace. Sluts just want love, and just like a good orgasm, a lovely tranquility would overcome society after said love was made. Sluts are the modern-day children of the hippies and disco dancers, of flower children and coked-out electro-lovers from the 80s.
So this post, if you haven’t noticed, is for the sluts. And so it begins.
1. Teenage Sluts
Courtney Stodden is a disgrace to teenage girls everywhere. She also happens to be gossip rag GOLD, because people can’t seem to get enough of her. Check out these salacious photos taken of her at the pumpkin patch last week.
What is she doing there? Pooping pumpkins?
What’s even more questionable and amazing is, despite her wholesome-whorey schtick, people can’t seem to figure out of its her lack of age-appropriateness or her choice in men that is the most confounding. After all, she was the 16-year-old who married fogie Doug Hutchinson. I mean, look at this old fart:
Whichever makes you the most angry or disturbed, there seems to be no end in sight regarding Courtney and her grandpa husband, so get used to seeing them around. Welcome the underage slut bubbling beneath us, making our whorey shenanigans on Fridays seem like a night of desperate cougars in a dive bar just off a university campus.
Anderson Cooper does a wonderful Courtney Stodden interpretation:
And say what you will, but Courtney and Doug’s marriage has lasted longer than Kim and Kris’. Which brings us to…
2. Celebrity Sluts
If you haven’t heard the news, you are either A) dead or B) any animal in the kingdom besides a dog, cat or a domesticated bird, who are all in the know.
But no, really. Kim Kardashian (who?) and her NBA star husband Kris Humphries (huh?) have split after only 72 days of marriage. And for some reason other than it being a complete slap in the face to those of us who cannot get married in 44 states in this country, the land of the free, the ENTIRE WORLD CARES. And I’m very bitter about it.
See, this is what happens when two sluts try to reform and become monogamous. Impending doom and disaster (and divorce, for an additional and yet relevant “d” word). Sluts, let this be a message to you all – stay slutty and never marry. No good can come of it. Well, maybe millions of dollars and free publicity, which is what the Kardashians received, but let’s be serious – you don’t have an ass that big or a face that hot. It’s not going to work for you.
Sorrie-zies. And in case you’re not adequately enraged, here is Kim’s song, “Jam,” which coincidentally goes terribly with the rest of this post. Enjoy!
3. Robot Sluts
So this week in science, this happened:
In case you don’t understand or a pitiful “but whhhy?” crawled from your lips like it would any rational human being, let me just tell you I have no fucking answers for you. As predicted by the likes of the Terminator franchise, robots are not only getting creepier, but they are also getting a hell of a lot smarter. Well, not that much smarter:
But if robots were on their way to world domination, this would be a good place to start. And although creepy mouths would probably be the last sign of doom, they ARE the first sign of humanity’s (or man’s) irresistible urge to put his ding dong where it doesn’t belong. Enter – SEX robots:
Like the BuffyBot, circa Buffy season 5. A perfect example of what people would do with robots if they could actually make them look and feel real. So, beware, singing robot faces – you may be a few generations away from mastering the art of the O-face, but those lips are plump enough for the pickin’!
4. Baby Daddy and Baby Mama Sluts
Usually its more memes and viral video clips on this column, but there is some serious celebrity juice spilling out into the Interwebs this week. And I’m really diggin’ it.
Who’s that slut up there, you ask? Her name is Mariah Yeater, and she claims to be Justin Bieber’s baby mama. Yes, THE Justin Bieber. As in – she had sex with this little girl:
Okay, “had sex with” may be a little strong. She let Justin Bieber masturbate using her vagina for 30 seconds. And somehow, that got her pregnant. I guess that happens, huh? I wouldn’t know…
You can read her whole story here, but it sounds to me like Justin Bieber is already really good at getting ladies in the sack. I mean, its pretty naïve to think you are de-virginizing a pop star, even one as young as Justin Bieber. If she really is a fan, she must have seen the sultry photos of Justin seductively rubbing Selena Gomez’s talons. She probably tweeted the picture herself, along with some hateful shit about how Selena Gomez should crawl into a hole and die, a Belieber staple insult.
So this post is not so much about Mariah Yeater being a slut but more about Justin Bieber being a slut. Because, you know, guys aren’t just playboys and bachelors – they can be sluts, too.
Yes, male sluts! Which very nicely takes us to…
5. Geriatric Sluts
Take a good hard look at that face up there. That’s the face of Ben Clifford Dawson, an 83-year-old man who just might be the world’s oldest (male) prostitute (Note: prostitute is just a nice way of saying “slut who gets paid.” We won’t be using that term for Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian, though).
Mr. Clifford Dawson, who is probably the age of your grandfather and Doug Hutchinson, attempted to pay back a loan by performing sexual favors on the woman he owed. Unfortunately, the old prude was not up for it, especially when he tried to kiss her. She promptly called the police and he was arrested. Turns out Iowa is not down with the sluts, especially the ones who try to force their way on top of you.
Here’s another note, and please pay special attention to this one because it may keep you out of prison someday: rapists and prostitutes are not the same thing. You have to pay for it for it to be okay.
Bonus Slut: Judy Jetson!
Not much to say here, except that that Judy Jetson sure is/will be (because the Jetsons take place in the future, duh) one big space slut!
In honor of this week’s slutty column, I want you to go out and do something stupid. But use a condom, of course.