We could make a laundry list of things that I like and that I’ve covered on this blog more than once – Mila Kunis; Rebecca Black; old people; dogs; and crazy shit happening on the subway.Well, as of this week, add cute videos of cute military boys being cute with one another. That brings us to our first clip:
1. Understanding Top: Gay Or Straight, Gingers Are A No-No
Okay, perhaps a harsh title for such a sweet clip … especially since the “ginger” part is an insignificant detail that is easy to miss if you don’t obsess over Youtube clips the way I do. Will I change it? No. Ginger hate is in this season.
Anyway, the above clip was filmed by an active military duty guy coming out to his buddy while on the road. The result is surprisingly cute and sweet – at least, as cute and sweet as two “bros” can get with each other while on active military duty while on the road. I’m touched by the sincerity and openness of two people who represent a historically homophobic institution, and how they move past it as easily at they seem to be moving past the sand dunes around them. There may be hope for us all – two superpowers, uniting for world peace!
2. “Only After Five Dates” Top: John Stamos, the Epic Cuddler
So I realize the above clip isn’t the full clip, but I’m pretty janky (remember that one, Steve?!) and don’t know how to embed ghetto College Humor clips into these posts, so you’ll have to just trust me when I say the full clip is well worth it, and please do view it – you can see it by clicking on THIS LINK. If you need incentive, please envision a slightly aged Bob Saget snuggle-pussing on John Stamos’ chest with the seductive allure of a pre-menstrual Olsen twin. Yeah, hot. You know you wanna.
Uncle Jesse gives you tips on how to seduce your woman (or man, cause, lets be honest, most of you are gay men or gay men trapped in the bodies of straight women) and make her feel alright. This is like taking advice on how to send a sext and swing a 9-iron all in one movement from Tiger Woods – you’re getting a tip not just from a seasoned vet, but THE seasoned vet.
And if the above clip gets you all warm and fuzzy yet, like me, your boo lives 3,000 miles away or your significant other is a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and an old VHS tape of “Maid in Manhattan,” then fret no more – Funktionide is here!
As someone so astutely comments on Buzzfeed, “Why is the music so poor and sad? Is he spending time comforting it in its last few hours of life?” AGREED. Please put that thing (and me) out of my misery. If the Forever Alone meme guy had a soundtrack, that would probably be it. Oh, you don’t know the Forever Alone meme guy? Well, get a quick preview here:
3. Versatile: Cute Now, Angry Later Bear
Bears are cute when they’re teddy – or like this. This clip went viral this week and for good reason – cute animals rule. There are websites completely devoted to them, and when we all destroy ourselves with nuclear weapons or by global warming or something in the (near) future, aliens will tap into the Internet and find nothing but cat videos and things like this. And you know what? I’m okay with that. After all, I’d rather be remembered as an animal-loving hippie than the puppy-kicking monster I really am…
Anyone else want to pour it a big bowl of Pedigree and take this cute little guy for walks like I do?
4. Relaxed Bottom: Poppers, the Song
Gerry and the Twinks (yeah, I’m with you when we all shout a collective “who?!”) bring you their “new song” (like they have other songs) called “Poppers.” Now, I do not endorse drug usage but I’m looking at an old bottle of Jungle Juice right now and it says “Nail Polish Remover” on it, so I don’t feel so bad. I mean, what can be so wrong with that, right?
I think the song would be more effective if the twinks were actually cute and if Gerry wasn’t such a hot mess – I mean, really girl? That eyeshadow is all wrong for you. And don’t even get me started on your Gwen Stefani/Courtney Love crackbaby offspring lovechild hairdo. Awful. Oh, and while we’re at it – please learn the lyrics to your own song. Thanks.
Wait, why did I feature this clip again?
5. Dusty Bottom: China’s Babies, Now In Pill Form!
Excuse me while I go wretch over the toilet for a few minutes – BLEGH!
Apparently, there is a hospital in China that sells dead babies, with the consent of the mothers, to pharmaceutical companies looking to make virility and stamina pills. The company buys the dead babies, mostly fetuses and stillbirths (“mostly” is a scary word to use here, isn’t it?) and puts them into a medical drying microwave to reduce them to ash. The television company in China that conducted this investigative report that aired this week say that the pills tested as 99.7% human, with the remains being so evidently human that they could determine the baby’s gender.
Still wretching here. Sorry to ruin your weekend.
Speaking of weekends being ruined, make sure that you stay away from (or run towards) the Gathering of the Juggalos this weekend (or Huggalos, as I like to call them). If you can’t or refuse to run screaming away as though you were set on fire, like most normal people, then GO TO THIS SITE to generate your Huggalo name, like I did. You can call me Big Money Hustla from now on.
Oh – and try and have a better weekend than homeboy Kanye West did. Yikes.