After a year and a half of pop culture madness, I have decided to hang up my tiara and lay Tops and Bottoms to rest.
The decision has come after much thought and careful deliberation, and like Rebecca Black who held onto her 15 minutes as tenaciously as a stripper to a pole, I have finally decided to fade out into the night. That is not to say I am done with Brightest Young Things, not at all – believe me when I say I am cooking up something else equally delicious (and always concurrently disgusting) for you gentle readers, which will be coming to you soon.
To go out on a high note, instead of recapping this week, I’ve decided to look back at some of the gems I unearthed over my tenure as your pop culture guide. It has been a ridiculous year and a half and why not revisit some of those gold nuggets which still probably sit fresh in the mind and close to the crotch. I’m talking to you, dancing soldiers:
So, without further ado …
Daddy Tops: Goodbye to the Sexy Seniors
Old people are cool. Old people are hip. Old people know what’s up – and if this column taught you anything, I hope that it taught you that. If this is your first time reading this column, here are a few ways that I’ve come to this conclusion; hopefully, you’ll learn the valuable lesson, too.. And if you’re old, please represent – we need you.
Twirling Tops: Goodbye to Those With Feet That Just. Won’t. Quit.
From pop stars to porn stars, twinks to tweens, and grandparents to Grand Rapids, everyone loves to dance. Let’s not forget that, and make sure, next time you’re out and see a wallflower standing by themselves near the dance floor, pull their sexy ass out there and give them something to shake next to. They want it – trust.
Talented Tops: Goodbye to Those With Something to Show
Talent is hard to come by when people like Kim Kardashian are glorified by the masses and anyone with Internet access and a webcam can become a viral sensation. But when talent is spotted in this crazy abyss called the Internet, it is hard to ignore, and hard to deny. Here are some of the talented folks that I’ve happened upon over the past year and a half.
(Rick Santorum portrait comprised of gay porn images)
Furry Tops: Goodbye Cute Critters
Since the honey badger by Randall clip dropped at the inception of Tops and Bottoms, animals have received a significant amount of attention, and for mostly the right reasons. Every now and then you’ll find a questionable animal video … but we won’t talk about those. Let’s honor the best of the past year and a half, and forget about things like this.
Little Tops: Goodbye to All the Awesome Children
Little kids are gems when it comes to the Internet – little kids are brave, unabashedly funny, and sometimes the victim of their parents’ cameras. This is why we love them, at least, on the Internet. For the most part, I follow the, “if I don’t know the kid, get them the fuck away from me” rule because I generally can’t stand most. But when it comes to charm and children and the Internet, well – that itself is a trifecta of awesomeness.
Tween Bottoms: Conversely, Goodbye to All the Awful Tweens
As if sassy-mouthed tweens needed any help getting the universe (and their parents) to hate them, here are the best of the worst tweens of the last year and a half, including their crowned princess, Rebecca Black. I mean, cut me some slack – I couldn’t go out WITHOUT mentioning her – she is the type of stuff that Tops and Bottoms dreams are made of.
Weirdo Bottoms: Goodbye, Weird-Part-of-the-Internet
Of course, as the Internet is fair game for just about anyone, how could we leave out all the weirdos that kept us all so entertained over the past few months? There would definitely have to be a shout-out and special section for them (and for Sandra Lee, who deserves her own Internet Zip Code for Craziness. This one, my friends, is for the freaks.
Tops and Bottoms has been a fun, great, amazing ride, and I hope you enjoyed it without puking (too much). I’ll miss you all but look in the coming weeks for something new from me and the rest of the Brightest Young Things team.
Miss you already!