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Topical Cream is your new ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.

—– Sunday—–

Conservative Political Action Conference: The World’s Biggest Collection of Pleated Khakis
At CPAC this last week, Mitch McConnell said Obama is treating the constitution worse than a place mat at Denny’s.
But to the President’s credit, he did find help the leprechaun find his pot of gold without cheating on the maze.

Ted Cruz attempted a Jay Leno impression during his speech.
Ted, the best impression you could do is that of a sad clown with a huge chin that overstayed his welcome & doesn’t know when to quit? You could’ve just done an impression of yourself.

Entering to the song “The Power of Love” Wayne LaPierre Executive VP of the NRA said “there is no greater freedom then the right to survive and protect our families with all the rifles, shotguns, and handguns we want.”
If the number of weapons one has equates to how much they want to love someone, America is a very needy lonely person. Now imagine John Cusack holding a semi-automatic above his head, outside your bedroom window, in the rain… That’s America.

—– Monday—–

In an interview, former governor Mike Huckabee said that female candidates should be treated differently than male candidates during campaigns. Saying, “I’ll put it this way. I treat my wife very differently than I treat my chums and my pals. I wouldn’t worry about calling them on Valentine’s Day, opening the door for them, or making sure they were OK.”
So if you need any more proof that the Republican Party is out of touch with female voters and their needs, Mike Huckabee thinks the only thing that women want on Valentine’s Day is a phone call.

Phish Food!
A family in Florida, including a woman who was 9 months pregnant, was hospitalized after they ate Wal-Mart steaks that were tainted with LSD. Doctors induced labor at the hospital and the woman had a healthy baby boy minotaur but with like a moose head and its tongue was lightning, then all of my posters started breathing. Are you guys going to Bonnaroo this year?

—– Tuesday —–

Say AAAAAH!
The “Lick-This” App claims to be able to improve your oral sex skills by making you lick your phone.
As a reminder, this is the phone you dropped in the toilet.

The world is a stage, not a black box:
Fareed Zakaria of CNN/Weather Channel + has said that Vladimir Putin is improvising in Crimea.
There is no way the show that Vladimir is Putin on is only improv, because he is attracting huge audiences.
As a standup comedian, I can tell you that there is no way the show Vladimir is putin on is improv, because people are actually watching.

Do these chromosomes make me look fat?
Scientists believe they have discovered the gene that leads to obesity.
Upon closer study, a scientist just got Cheetos dust on the microscope.

 

—– Wednesday —–

My eyes are up here:
The Supreme Court rejected an appeal from a Pennsylvania school district that wants to prevent students from wearing “I (heart) Boobies!” bracelets which promotes breast cancer awareness.
This should come as no surprise, considering their decision in Bush v Gore. The Supreme Court has a history of protecting boobs.

You can’t spell “automatic” without “art”:
Italian cultural officials have threatened to sue an American arms manufacturer over their recent advertising campaign which shows the statue of Michelangelo’s David holding a rifle.
I don’t know why they are complaining, if you’ve ever seen the statue, it does accurately depict the penis size of gun enthusiasts.

—– Thursday —–

WAAM WAAM WAAAM BBBBBBDDDD:
Skrillex put out a new album this week, ensuring another effective year of “enhanced interrogation” at GitMo.

Happy Birthday! I got you all the porn.
The World Wide Web turned 25 years old today.
Now it can finally rent a car with all those credit cards it’s stolen.

Happy Birthday! You would make a weird porn.
Barbie turned 54 today, bringing back the annual feminist claim that “Barbie is a terrible role model for little girls.”
I agree. It’s a toy. I didn’t look up to the Mr. Potato Head when I was a kid. Sure I wanted to move my mouth to my groin, but that was for a completely different reason.
“Barbie has an unrealistic standard of beauty!” I know! She doesn’t have a vagina!

 

—– Friday —–

The new Spritz Reading App allows you to finish a novel in under 90 minutes by showing you the book one word at a time. Which begs the question: How were you reading books before?

Let’s Go Across the Pond!
A woman is England is being fined 8,000 pounds because her sex dungeon was found violating fire safety laws.
In her defense, her victims’ safe word IS “Fire”, so everyone made it out okay.

On second thought, let’s not go across the pond…

Police in Britian shut down a highway to help a man find his penis.
Said the man, “Nevermind, I got it. It was in my other pocket.”
(OR)
Said the man, “That’s the last time I try to ghost whip a convertible.”

 

 

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