Topical Cream is your new ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.
It was announced that Piers Morgan’s show on CNN will be canceled next month.
- Piers Morgan has been described as the 3rd most unwanted piece of British pop culture in America behind Madonna’s fake accent, twice.
- One insider says the host was ‘always such an asshole to people working for him’ – especially the makeup girls. Screaming things like, “You’ve made me look like a basketball dripping with pancake batter!” and the girls would reply, “We haven’t started yet!”
- Not surprising, the only British thing with lower viewership is the Queen’s vagina. No one has seen it since it took over for Simon Cowell.
- His biggest loss in American viewership came after his push for tighter gun control measures following the Sandy Hook massacre in 2012, because if there is anything that Americans don’t like it is REACTING APPROPRIATELY.
A crystal found in Western Australia has been dated at 4.5 billion years old, making it the oldest piece of Earth ever discovered.
- Once it does a tour of all the world’s largest natural history museums, it will be returned to Madonna’s estate. “It’s from my first engagement. We got married too young”, she commented.
—– Tuesday —–
The prime minister of Turkey has allegedly been recorded implicating himself in a corruption scandal, but is dismissing the evidence claiming his opposition cut together the tape from other recordings.
- The opponents are saying that it’s not a mix tape, and that the 30 seconds of Kiss’s Detroit Rock City at the end should just be ignored.
After 20 years, the iconic Got Milk ads featuring celebrities posing with ‘milk mustaches’ will be retiring.
- To modernize, the new milk ads will feature full milk beards, wear plaid shirts, and attempt to brew their own beer.
In an interview on Late Night with Seth Meyers, Kanye West claimed he suffers from synesthesia.
- It was confirmed in the parking lot when he screamed at a stop sign, “I’m sorry to interrupt you buzzing tomato stop sign but that whistling lemon tasting yield sign has the best traffic instruction of all year.”
—– Wednesday —–
Hundreds of copies of Anne Frank’s diary have been vandalized in Japan, confusing Japanese culture experts. One professor stating that with more than 5 million copies sold, “…this is probably one of the most popular books for youth in Japan throughout the postwar years.”
- So its official, Japan has never heard of Harry Potter. (He hid under the stairs.)
In a Facebook thread about potential replacements for a seat in the House, Republican Treasurer of Virginia, Bob FitzSimmonds, wrote, “I have nothing against [Rep.] Barbara Comstock, but I hate sexist twat.” He soon backpedalled with an apology, telling a local paper he thought the word he used was synonymous with “twaddle”, meaning trivial talk.
- The Republican Treasurer then continued with a compliment, calling her a “Cork Sucking Beach”, that beautiful white sand estate in Tahiti.
—– Thursday —–
A freshman at UC Berkeley fell 3 stories to the ground after attempting to scale a drain pipe on the side a frat house, leaving him in critical condition.
- His family said he shouldn’t have been there at all, but he couldn’t get into Stanford.
- Many claim this as an act of irresponsibility, but in his defense, UC Berkeley WAS his fall back school.
Paula Deen has announced that she will be opening a new restaurant, even in the midst of her recent racial controversy. And she promises critics that her second restaurant will be just like the first one, but only separate and equal.
—– Friday —–
Hipsters in Brooklyn have begun getting beard transplants to make their beards look healthier.
- And black people have been getting transplanted by hipsters so Brooklyn can look healthier.
A couple in Northern California discovered $10 million in rare gold coins buried beneath the hollows of an old tree.
- In a related story, the Keebler Elves have filed for bankruptcy.
It was announced that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher got engaged today, giving us another 6 weeks of winter.