A password will be e-mailed to you.

Topical Cream is your new ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.

 

—– Monday—–

Check Please

  • Darden Restaurant stocks have been dropping rapidly as the cost of shrimp sky rockets, hurting their popular seafood chain. You mean Red Lobster is in hot water? I thought that was kind of the point.

Just Say No

  • In an interview about his latest film “The Wolf on Wall Street”, Leonardo DiCaprio admitted that he has never done drugs, whereas the Hollywood Foreign Press must be doing them all the time for taking this long to give him a Golden Globe.

It’ a No-GoGurt:

  • 5,000 cups of blueberry, peach, and strawberry Greek yogurt meant for US Olympic athletes, have been stopped from entering Sochi by Russian officials who claim the US failed to provide the specific health and safety paperwork necessary.
  • Ironic. If there is anything that yogurt helps with, it’s the blockage and passage of items.
  • Truthfully, we all know Russia won’t let the yogurt in because there is fruit on the bottom.

We Bought a (Overpopulated) Zoo:

  • A Danish Zoo is receiving death threats after a young giraffe named Marius was euthanized and fed to lions, even though the scientific director explained that the animal was killed to avoid inbreeding and keeping it alive would only diminish their food stock. Well, that’s what you get when you stick your neck out there, have it chopped up, and fed to lions.
  • Even though the giraffe was born in Denmark where the official religion is Evangelical Lutheran, since it was fed to lions, it died a Christian.
  • As euthanasia is the only way to prevent inbreeding, the royal court of England has been asked to cancel their trip to the zoo for their own safety.

—– Tuesday —–

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just not happy to see me?

  • South Carolina has passed legislation which allows concealed weapons in bars. It’s been said that gun rights activists are hiding behind the second amendment because there is a drunk guy shooting at them.
  • The new law does permit individual bars to enact their own weapons ban if they post a sign in their window warning customers of their policy. “Warning: You will die another day”. (No need for a bond. Jail bond.)
  • “Hi! Welcome to Cheddar’s. My name is Dixie and I’ll be you’re server. The specials of the day include a new tomato bisque, $3 Miller High Lifes, and NOT being murdered by a Napoleon complex. Can start you off with some sweet tea?”
  • This does put small business owners in an awkward position, as the signs could potentially alienate customers. While defenders of the policy claim it is par for the course, as South Carolina does have a rich history of segregating people with signs.


Pass the salt, or any helpful law:

  • The White House has announced that its State Dinner will feature a menu that celebrates the best of American cuisine. So get ready for some great press shots of Vice President Biden bobbing for Twinkies.
  • Invited to the dinner is cheating scandal embroiled French President Francois Hollande. The Obama administration is aware that he might leave the dinner for a younger lunch.
  • Highlighting food from across the country, menu items include a first course of American Osetra Caviar from Illinois, quail eggs from Pennsylvania, and for some reason, a giraffe from Denmark.

 

—– Wednesday —–

What does the Fox Say?

  • James Carville, the “ragin’ Cajun” has signed on as a correspondent with Fox News in their ongoing effort to seem less like a network run by a bunch of old balding incomprehensible white men.


Book ‘em, Dan-o!

  • The search for a location for President Obama’s Presidential Library is underway. Democrat Mayor Rahm Emanuel believes the library should be built in Chicago because the president is from there, whereas the Tea Party believes the library should be built in Kenya because the president is from there.
  • Much like every president before Obama, George Bush Jr. also has a Library and Museum named after him, which is odd. I didn’t know you could give your name to places you’ve never visited.
  • Little known fact about the George Bush Jr. Library, the children’s book selection is huge! It features an Iraqi “Where’s Waldo?” book where no matter how hard you look, you can’t seem to find weapons of mass destruction.
  • The museum features an exhibit about the administration’s efforts during Hurricane Katrina. It is a small post it note on the fridge labeled, “Things To Do”.

Get your hands of me, you damn dirty ape!

  • Clint Eastwood saved the life of AT&T golf tournament director Steve John, by performing the Heimlich maneuver at a dinner Wednesday night.
  • The golf director succumbed to choking all thanks to his esophagus and having a hole in one.
  • Clint Eastwood considered letting the director die, as that was the only way he could’ve pried that gun from his cold dead hands.

—– Thursday —–

Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth:

  • A Christian dinner theater in Tennessee casting its summer productions of Godspell and HAIR posted audition requirements of actors to “prepare a monologue from Leviticus, or letters to Paul. [They] Must be saved” and “Straights only please.”
  • When asked for comment, Jesus said nothing about gay people. Ever. He never said anything.
  • This bigoted move is to be expected from a small dinner theater, as dinner theater is the dinner theater of theater.
  • No actors showed up to audition for the musicals, not out of protest, they just followed directions.

This warms my braveheart:

  • Scotland has legalized gay marriage this week, prompting many conservative politicians to ask “Who will wear the kilt, now? Oh, everyone? I’m being told it’s still everyone? Got it.”
  • The Marriage and Civil Partnership Bill passed by a margin of 105 to 18. 105 to 18! That’s not a margin! That’s the whole paper! You hear that America? Scotland is beating us. Scotland! That country most known for not being not Ireland, sheep, and sheep related products.
  • On a personal note to ‘traditional marriage’ defenders, I will agree that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, if you can agree that I am being sarcastic.

—– Friday —–

What’s up Doc?

  • In an archived correspondence with a close friend, Hilary Clinton described Monica Lewinsky as a “narcissistic Looney Toon”. Taking no questions about it at a recent press conference, her husband Bill Clinton signed off, “Db-Db-Db-Db-That’s all folks.”
  • Hilary then asked Bill if he would like a coffee & how many lumps he wanted, while holding a comically large mallet. Bill then painted a tunnel on a wall and attempted to run through it.

Everyone loves Tom Hanks:

  • Castaway Jose Alvarenga, who claims to have been lost at sea for 13 months, was recovered by citizens of the Marshall Islands and quickly brought to shore by its mayor. Mr. Alvarenga’s story was then translated by the mayor’s son using skills he learned entirely from “Dora the Explorer”.  Mr. Alvarenga said he wouldn’t have been lost at sea for so long if he only had a map, had a map, had a map, had a map, had a map, had a map, had a map, had a map, HAD A MAP! Alright, Bueno!
  • He then called fate “Swiper” for stealing a year of his life away.

ERROR 404:

Comcast and Time-Warner Cable have announced a merger. I would tell you more about this story, but I can’t get this god damned page to load.

 

X
X