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Topical Cream is your ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.

–MONDAY–

Go Directly to Jail
D.C.’s famous Ben’s Chili Bowl diner is getting rid of its giant mural of Bill Cosby on the side of its building.
– Which is great. The last thing anyone should see walking down a dark alley is Bill Cosby.

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–TUESDAY–

Africa: The (grand)Motherland
The Obama administration said the president was unable to visit his grandmother while in Africa due to instability in the region.
– I hope that’s true because if you’re caught lyin’ in Africa, a Minnesota dentist will shoot you in the head.

 

–WEDNESDAY–

Alohahahaha
Police in Hawaii killed a pregnant cow that was charging through rush hour traffic this week.
– This headline is brought to you by Madlibs. “Madlibs: I bet you were surprised no one said penis”.

Spiderjoke. Spiderjoke. Your friendly neighborhood Spiderjoke.
Tom Holland was recently cast as the new Spider-Man.
– You might remember him from such great works as, that last sentence.
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–THURSDAY–

Mast or Race?
Captured from the German Navy in WWII, a tall ship called “The Eagle” is still being used by the US Coast Guard.
– It’s the third coolest thing we took from the Nazis, right behind Volkswagen and Hugo Boss.

–FRIDAY–

Imbalanced Breakfast
General Mills has announced that it will faze out all artificial colors and flavors from their cereals by 2017.
– My god, its always the quiet companies that end up being cereal killers.

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