Topical Cream is your ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.
Shut the Frack Up, Alaska!
Moose and Not-Going-Away aficionado, Sarah Palin, called for the president’s impeachment and accused him of “purposeful dereliction of duty” today.
– So not only did Sarah Palin actually use a thesaurus, someone finally convinced her it wasn’t a dinosaur.
Welcome to the Punderdome!
The World Pun Championships took place in the Texas capital this last month.
- The thousands of spectators described the elaborate event as Austin-tatios.
- No, screw you! You knew what the punchline was going to be as soon as you read the premise.This is partly your fault, America!
It’s Britney, Bitch!
An un-auto-tuned version of Britney’s Spears latest track leaked online this week, or it was just someone sending a fax.
– The track is called “Alien” which is convenient since those are the only beings who could possibly enjoy it.
You Need a New Hobby, Lobby:
The Supreme Court ruled that corporations do not have to include birth control in their employees’ healthcare coverage if it infringes upon the business’s freedom of religion.
Please enjoy reading some inequalities while humming Beyonce’s “If I Were a Boy”:
- If corporations are people, outsourcing must be the equivalent of a mail order bride. Cheaper labor, plus a sweet accent.
- If corporations are people, companies run by Presidents of the same gender can not merge. I am sorry Comcast and Time Warner, your connection has been interrupted, as usual.
- If corporations are people, the phrase “Put your money where your mouth is” is redundant.
Adding Insult to Insult to Injury:
The Supreme Court has also ruled that a ‘buffer zone’ around reproductive health services, such as Planned Parenthood, which would prevent protesters from entering a certain radius of the building would infringe upon the freedom of speech. Which is surprising. You would think conservatives would appreciate liberals using more protection.
—– Tuesday —–
That’s Crossing the Line, McCoy!
A circuit court judge ruled that the Florida legislature illegally redrew the state’s congressional districts in 2012 to benefit Republicans in the election. Said the legislature, “No, no! We were just trying to keep LeBron!” Even considering the gerrymandering, the biggest boundary line that happened to benefit Republicans in 2012 was THE STATE OF FLORIDA.
Solve For XXX -OR- When In Rome
According to a new report confirmed by Pope Francis, 2% of all Roman Catholic clerics are pedophiles. And an additional report read there are 414,000 Roman Catholic priests worldwide. As if advanced math wasn’t scary enough for children, now this bullshit. If the length of the hypotenuse is 414,000, and the length of the opposite side is a shit ton of pedophiles, what is the SIN of the triangle? Here is a hint: The triangle is the Pope’s hat, and we are looking for ACTUAL sin. The Pope continued to describe the atrocity as “a leprosy in [their] house.” Which would be accurate except when a body part has leprosy, it tends to fall off and go away. It makes sense to use leprosy as the metaphor, seeing how Jesus only attempted to cure a few people of leprosy before he yelled “Heal yourselves, you sick f*cks. God damn there are way too many of you. What is this, like 2% of the total population? Wow! I should’ve acted much earlier. Holy eroded ears, Batman, stop touching my feet! You’re gross. You’re gross. Get off me.”
A Vatican spokesman defended that a quote attributed to the pope saying cardinals were among the sex abusers was not accurate and accused newspapers of trying to “manipulate naive readers.” Because if anyone is going to chastise someone for manipulating the naive, it should be the Catholic Church. And yes, I used the word chastise ironically to identify irony in a church founded during the Iron Age. Now give me a metal medal. You know which one. The Catholic Church telling people to stop manipulating the naive sounds like a Scared Straight Program. A handful of criminals yelling at teenagers “If you continue down this path, you’re gonna be just like me. Imagine an all male Orange is the New Black, you know, prison. But instead of orange, we get to wear black. We’re priests.”
—– Wednesday —–
Georgia’s On My Mind:
On the very first day of Georgia’s new ‘Guns Everywhere’ law, which allows residents to carry guns into bars, nightclubs, and classrooms, two armed men had a showdown in a convenience store when one asked the other for his firearms license and removed his gun from his holster. Which is the only socially acceptable way to discuss your small penis size in public. You can’t just wave your willy nilly out all willy nilly! Get a gun.
New Headline: Conservative Rule & Legislation Immediately Followed by Armed Men Asking for Your Papers. This Feels Reich. Wow! What are the odds of two open carrying armed men meeting in the same store! Well I’m glad thats behind us n-Oh, its happening again? This should work out. City Police Chief Brian Childress summed the incident up by saying, “Essentially, it involved one customer with a gun on his hip when a second customer entered with a gun on his hip,” When asked for a comment Vice President of the NRA,Wayne LaPierre, said ,”Oh that’s easy. The only thing that can stop two bad guys with guns is two MORE bad guys with guns!” He then return to his children’s toy and continued to shove a square block through a round hole.
Aaaaaaaall That She Wants is Another Baby
Nearly three years after her not guilty verdict, one of Casey Anthony’s former lawyers said that she is still afraid of people and doesn’t go outside often. Really? What’s the worst that could happen? Its not like anyone is going to hurt her kid. Even though being cleared of all charges, Ms. Anthony says anytime she defends herself in a verbal altercation, it feels like she’s digging her own grave, which is a change of pace.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall -OR- #YesAllWomen
The 17 year old Belgian girl who received a modeling contract with L’Oreal after appearing on TV during a World Cup game has since lost her contract and has been receiving unwanted negative comments on her Facebook fan page saying she doesn’t deserve to be a model because she’s “just a girl with a pretty face”. “Yeah. That’s the idea” said models.
—– Thursday —–
Dim Sum Idiots
Fox News’ token liberal windbag Bob Beckel used a racial slur Thursday on “The Five” to refer to Chinese hackers, calling them “Chinamen.” How dare he not give credit to all those hard working Chinawomen – I’m being told I missed the point. *clears desk and carries things out in a box* While Bob may lose his job, his slur won him the award of “Laziest Racist”. Its a Confederate flag stapled to a Carl’s Jr. gift card. Be sure to get extra napkins. You wouldn’t want to stain your white robe. While ‘these colors don’t run’, ketchup does. This is the second time he has slipped and used the slur, but Fox News tends to forget that because to them, all these moments look alike.
Phish Food for Thought:
A man in Washington state is claiming that he will get fired from two of his three part time jobs because of the media attention he received for being the first man in line to legally buy recreational pot in his city. What’s amazing is not that he had 3 jobs, its that he kept forgetting he had a job at all, and kept applying for more. ICYMI: His third part time job? A 7-11 Food Critic.
—– Friday —–
Cher is going on tour again, hitting DC among other major cities.
- Just in time, I heard the Natural History Museum was looking for some more fossils.
- Meteorologists have said her concerts will be partly Sonny with no chance of entertainment.
- Did I mention the World Pun Championsh–Okay, I did? Great.
You Make Me Sick!
A government scientist discovered decades-old vials of smallpox packed away and forgotten in a cardboard box near Washington DC, which has to be the oldest disease infecting the district since the lack of campaign finance reform. BOOM! FUCK YEAH! BOOM! HOW DOES THAT FEEL, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?! YOU’VE BEEN HILARIOUSLY SKEWERED! Now continue your awful ways and disregard the clown in the corner.
Is that a red card in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Pornhub has pleaded with users to stop uploading videos of Germany beating Brazil in the World Cup, using such titles as ‘Young Brazilians get f**ked by entire German soccer team’. Even though it is consistent with how most people enjoy soccer & porn:
- Why watch the whole thing when all you want is a supercut of the best highlights?
- Its a lot of fun to see them do it without using their hands.
- And knee pads are the only kind of protection we want to see.
In honor of the dominating victory, FIFA has renamed some vocabulary:
- Penalty kicks will now be “money shots”. Obviously.
- The shootout will now be “bukakke”. Many opponents, one receiver.
- And finally, corner kicks will be “anal”, seeing how no one successfully does it real life, but they try it because it sure does look cool. Happy Birthday.