Topical Cream is your ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.
Wii Will Miss You:
The president of Nintendo will miss a shareholders meeting following an intensive surgery.
– The road to recovery will be hard since during the surgery, the doctor accidentally threw his scalpel at the tv.
Grab Some Tinder & Lets Start a Fire:
A travel dating website asked its members to rate the top 10 nationalities they find sexiest in a dating partner. American men were rated 6th sexiest, while American women didn’t make the list.
– When asked for an explanation, men were seen looking around the room and whistling, while avoiding eye contact.
– American women were obviously confused by the international response, then they pulled their acid washed high waisted jeans even closer to their nipples and scampered away.
Turn it Down For What?
A new study showed that people who have a television in their bedroom are twice as likely to get laid, than those who do not.
– Uh, yeah. Why do you think I love my night shifts at Best Buy?
—– Tuesday —–
One Small Step for Native American Man…
The United States Patent and Trademark Office has canceled six federal trademark registrations for the name of the Washington Redskins, ruling that the name is “disparaging to Native Americans”.
– This has to be the biggest blow to the Redskins franchise since anytime they have the ball.
– “No, sir. You’re not selling me those tickets, and you’re definitely not scalping them.”
And Now a Cute One:
Monet’s “Water Lilies” was sold at auction today for 54 million monets.
(Here are some more for you)
– There was a full house at the auction for Paul Cezanne’s “The Card Players”
– William de Kooning’s “Woman III” was purchased by Woman II.
– Finally, Vincent van Gogh’s “Vase with Fifteen Sunflowers” was overpriced in my opinion, but you didn’t hear that from me, and neither could Vincent.
A new study out of the UK says that domestic violence rises 38% in parts of England when the country is knocked out of the World Cup.
– Because when soccer is over, you can use your hands again.
– You can tell that soccer is popular because when the World Cup ends, the country gets very quiet and all you can hear is cricket.
—– Wednesday —–
This Is Why Everyone Needs a Passport:
An automatic sperm extractor was introduced into a Chinese hospital. It features a massage pipe that can be adjusted to fit the height of the man, and can be modified to suit the user’s frequency, amplitude, and desired temperature.
– Supporters of this new machine believe it will help with sperm donation, while critics of this new machine are women.
– This just in, China’s national productivity has dropped severely, while the desire for naps has inversely increased.
– During the beta testing phase, one man adjusted the temperature to cold and soon after, was arrested for suspected necrophilia.
– Upon closer inspection, the machine just contains a underpaid midget holding a fleshlight.
– I for one am just happy Verne Troyer is still getting work, but then again I’m half full, and so is that machine.
Hang In There, Little Guy:
A boy in Ohio stumbled on a mummified corpse hanging by a belt inside an abandoned home, and the local coroner’s office has declared it a suicide.
– Then how do you explain the women’s underwear and smile he’s wearing?
– A small poster of a kitten on a branch was arrested for coercion.
GTL – Greaseballs Talk Loud:
Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was arrested at his family owned tanning salon after getting into a fight with his brother.
– So its business as usual at the usual business.
– This comes on the end of his most recent DUI, when the police identified he was driving with a 6 pack.
—– Thursday —–
Talk about a snake eating its own tail!
A DC jury found that a nonprofit group misappropriated more than $300,000 from the city’s AIDS/HIV programs in order to build a strip club.
– Defended the director of the nonprofit, “Why do we even need these programs if we don’t have strip clubs?”
– The guilty nonprofit is named Miracle Hands …and so is the strip club.
Can You Just Pull Over?
The DC Council approved of a piece of legislation that would symbolically rename some of the streets around the capitol as a message to lawmakers. One such name is the “DC No Taxation Without Representation Way”. Other proposed names include the more popular:
– “You Work For Us, Not Special Interests and Lobbyist Groups Street”
– Your Partisan Drama Only Perpetuates America’s Lack of Confidence and Trust In You Alley
– And “Quit Fucking Around Drive”
Who Let The Dogs Out?
Michael Vick wants to get into the comedy business and is throwing a stand up comedy event in Louisiana called “The Michael Vick Comedy Explosion”.
– Many single women are expect to attend the event, as everyone there will naturally prefer cats.
—– Friday —–
Do You See What I See?
GoPro ended it’s first day of trading on NASDAQ today.
– Footage of the trading was recovered but all that was seen was POV shots of investment bankers doing blow.
Personal Foul or Whatever it is in Soccer:
Conservative troll and inspiration behind the horror comedy “Teeth”, Ann Coulter spewed that the increased popularity of soccer in America is a sign of the country’s moral decay and blames it on immigrants and the liberal media.
– You would think she would appreciate the sport seeing how she also runs around like a chicken with her head cut off, while millions of people yell at her.
Another reason she wrote she hated the sport was “You can’t use your hands in soccer” a fact that, Coulter believes, goes against what “sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs”.
– She then continued to throw her own shit in order to get attention.
– If a soul and thumbs are the only things separating us from beasts, Ann Coulter is the missing link.
– She only wears high heels so her knuckles don’t drag on the ground.
– Ann Coulter’s night job is being Slender Man.
This Will Be Hard to Swallow:
Researchers in Croatia are reporting that a pair of male bears are engaging in oral sex. Hypothesizing “The behavior may have started as a consequence of prematurely curtailed maternal suckling when these bears were orphaned as cubs.”
– You heard it hear folks, science just said that the love of dick sucking stems from a lack of a loving mother. And here I thought it was the lack of a loving father.
Over the course of 116 hours, the bears engaged in fellatio 28 times.
– You hear that America? Not only are we losing to German soccer players, but also Croatian Bears!
– I BELIEVE, I BELIEVE WE CAN WIN! I BELIEVE, I BELIEVE WE CAN WIN! USA! USA! USA!
– Its why Winnie the Pooh Bear never wears pants.