Topical Cream is your ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.
Nuts & Bolts & Nuts:
A Pennsylvania man was admitted to the hospital after getting a steel ring stuck around his penis.
– He will soon file suit against Beyoncé in civil court for telling him to do it
No Country For This Old Man:
Cliven “The thing about the Negro” Bundy has officially left the Republican Party to join the Independent American Party.
– So, good news, Republicans! You can now return to saying the same terrible things about black people without being associated with Cliven Bundy.
When it rains assholes, it pours assholes:
In an open letter to the families of the victims of the shooting rampage near the University of California, Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, said that ‘your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights’ to have guns.
– He then defended his opinion by saying the hole in his heart isn’t from gunfire, but a lack of empathy, so it’s okay.
Two Thumbs, Up Her Ass:
Washington Post film critic, Ann Hornaday, blamed the shooting and the atmosphere of violence today on Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow’s ‘sophomoric movie’ The Neighbors.
– Thanks a lot Ann! I wasn’t going to see The Neighbors, but I guess now I have to. >:(
—– Tuesday —–
Would you like beef, beans, or WTF?!:
An Open Carry Gun Rights Activists entered a Chipotle brandishing assault weapons to prove a point.
– That point, Chipotle isn’t the only thing that can make you sh*t your pants.
Supporters tweeting the event used the hashtag #BurritosNotBullets.
– No news on whether or not it was explained to them how guns actually work.
– It may just be my opinion, but if these activists wanted to shoot Burritos, not Bullets, why didnt they bring T-Shirt Cannon? Technically, its still a firearm. I should know. I was arrested for making one in college.
“Hi, Kettle? It’s Pot. You’re Black.”
The NRA issued an official statement calling the Open Carry group’s actions “scary” and “weird”.
– That how you know you’re in the wrong. Youre too much for the NRA.
– The NRA calling your gun activism scary and weird is like Tim Burton calling you scary and weird.
– Its like Lady Gaga telling you to tone it down.
– Its like Kanye West calling you an overwhelming narcissist.
– Its like John Boehner warning you to stop tanning, you’ve gone too far.
– It’s like rain on your wedding day.
– It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid.
– It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take.
– Who would’ve thought… it figures.
—– Wednesday —–
J.B. “Ain’t So” Smooth:
In unseen footage from his documentary, Never Say Never, false icon Justin Bieber was recorded with his friends telling racist jokes.
– The movie will now be released under the new title, Never Say the N-Word.
– The racist joke in question is describing what a chainsaw sounds like when you attempt to turn it on, which ironically is how everyone describes his music. “OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT? ITS LIKE SOMEONE IS SEXUALLY ABUSING POWER TOOLS!”
– Along with a public apology, Justin Bieber was also punished with continuing to live a lie.
Pull Out Slow, I’m Sensative:
President Obama announced a commitment of nearly 10,000 U.S. troops in Afghanistan past 2014 and into 2015, which critics have said is hypocritical of his promises of a full withdrawal of military troops by 2014.
– Imagine a one night stand where a giant violent “surge” occurred, both parties get equally f*cked over, then the next morning, that other person doesn’t get the message that they should leave. Thats America, too ashamed to do the walk of shame.
POTUS explained that the troops staying will not be working in a active military capacity.
– He then pointed to a car and said “That’s not a car, it’s a vehicle. Completely different.”
Nothing but a Net.. Worth:
Rich D-bag and disillusioned melting candle, Donald Sterling attended a predominantly black church service in South Los Angeles this week.
– Not to stay for the service, just to take everyone’s phone and to keep them off Instagram.
– (Follow Up: How did he not know he could be recorded using a phone? He was alive when Graham Bell invented the damn thing!
—– Thursday —–
Apple has announced the release of its new iOS8 platform.
– Its a lot like the iOS7, the only difference is, you have to download the iOS 8.
– I swear my iPhone has more bugs and security issues than the last Motel 6 I stayed in.
Learn Your ABCs:
For the very first time, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in tie this year, spelling victory for no one.
– The competition came to an abrupt end when the judges ran out of words to ask the children to spell. “Oh, bullsh*t!” screamed someone with a dictionary.
– The two kids were seen doing interviews about their co-championships, while they’re Dads were seen drinking at Applebee’s.
Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems:
Economist Thomas Piketty’s book “Capital in the 21st Century” is surrounded by criticism for its claim of an ever widening birth between the upper and lower classes in America, saying that wealth is in fact not leaving the top bracket at conservative economists at the Financial Times claim.
– Thomas shot back, “If a rising tide raises all ships, then you’re a Carnival Cruise, bitch!” He was seen moonwalking out of the room.
—– Friday —–
Doctor, doctor, tell me the Fox News:
George Bush Jr. is now recovering from a recent knee replacement surgery.
– Although if you consider his odd laugh and absent minded leadership style, the last thing he needs is a new joint.
– It has been reported that his knee is functioning and he is again able to stand on the shoulders of his failed foreign policy.
– The ex-president is now resting quietly at his home, following his doctor’s orders. Making it the first time George Bush Jr. has listened to an expert in their field suggesting he take things slow and consider the consequences.
Welcome back, Cotter:
An American soldier, Bowe Bergdahl, was freed from captivity in Afganistan after a trade of 5 Tailban prisoners from Guantanmo Bay.
Pundits from both sides of the aisle voiced their opinion that while it is wonderful the soldier is back home, American should never have bargained with terrorists.
– They were all admitted to the hospital for eating their cake and attempting to have it too.
I Give it a Benign Out of 10:
The new film The Fault In Our Stars about teenagers with terminal cancer is gaining criticism for having a line of merchandising in Hot Topic, including earrings, wristbands, and tshirts.
– In their defense, if there was ever going to be a hot topic, it would be kids with cancer.
– I can make that joke. My father died because of a hot topic… So much eyeliner… I miss you Jim Morrison.