Topical Cream is your ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.
Now You See Me. Now You Don’t:
Famed blind opera singer Andrea Bocelli married his longtime companion Veronica Berti this month. He thinks.
– Either that, or he burned a stranger at a church with an onion ring.
In Russia, No One Can Hear You Scream:
In response to American sanctions against Russia for annexing Crimea, Russia has declared they will not allow Americans access to the International Space Station…
– …shouting, “You want take Crimea away from us? We take space away from you. A fair trade of two worthless incredibly cold expanses of nothing.”
More News from the Mother(f*cking)land:
Russia has passed a bill which will make swearing illegal on television and in live performances.
– “Well that is f*cking stupid,” said a televised man being arrested.
– The bad news is that free speech is being infringed upon. The good news is that stock for Swear Jars has boomed! “For every one time you cuss on TV, cuss 10,000 more times to pay for bail.”
– The new no-cussing law has inspired some very interesting plays including:
The 12 Not So Angry Men, The 4 Usable Pages of Glengarry Glen Ross, and No One is Afraid of Virginia Woolf So Lets All Calm Down.
—– Tuesday —–
If Ya Liked It Then Ya Shoulda Worn A Cup On It:
TMZ obtained a video of Beyonce’s sister, Solange, attacking Jay-Z in an elevator.
– Which we can all agree is wrong on so many levels.
– Investigators are still trying to determine if the attacker was actually Solange or simply a drag queen doing the best she could.
Are You Up to Snuff?
It was reported that cocaine use is so high in Britain it has contaminated their drinking water.
– In their defense, it’s not that British people are DOING so much coke, it just keeps falling off the heads of their dicks over the toilet. Common misunderstanding, old man. Pip Pip! *Snort*
– So it’s not that British people are pompous; they are LITERALLY turning up their noses.
– In a related story, the most recent episode of Downton Abby cut its run time in half.
“The dialogue seems to be going much faster this season. We don’t know why. Do you like to party?” asked the director with the extra long pinky nail.
I Want to Bone You:
Prehistoric skeletons found in an underwater cave in Mexico link Native Americans and Asians to a common ancestor.
– “I told you they all looked alike!” screamed Donald Sterling from behind a parked car.
– DNA was analyzed from the recovered wisdom teeth and found that the bones belonged to a girl who lived between 12,000 and 13,000 years ago in the late Pleistocene Era.
Or as the Huffington Post reported it: “10 Photos that Prove Thigh Gap is a Modern Day Myth.”
Or as Jezebel.com reported it: “Blah Blah Ancient Patriarchy Cronuts.”
Or as CNN reported it: “Found Bones not Linked to Missing Malaysian Plane.”
Or as Fox News reported it: “Could Hillary Clinton’s Brain Trauma End with the Same Result?”
—– Wednesday —–
Puff Puff Pass that Legislation:
The Marijuana Arrest Research Project has reported a severe rise in pot arrests in New York City, even though the unlawful practice of “Stop & Frisk” has ended.
– Which means the NYPD have enacted their loophole program “Don’t Stop, Just Frisk,” where they don’t stop anyone and it looks like the cops are trying to tickle minorities as they chase them.
– Police sirens will be officially changed to “Yakety Sax.”
– Marijuana users have been warned to not enter 7-11 after midnight, as its entrances are just false doors that open to a paddy wagon.
Pork Barrel – Full of Bourbon:
A distillery in Iowa is planning to breed their pigs to taste like whiskey.
– Beating the previously less expensive option of drinking whiskey while eating bacon.
– When reached for comment, Jews and Muslims were still missing out.
– And to think, just 50 years ago, if a man in the Midwest wanted to raise his cholesterol levels this much, he had to have a daughter who started dating a black fella. This is what I call progress!
Insane in the Membrane:
In an ongoing smear campaign, Karl Rove conjectured that Hillary Clinton suffered brain damage, noting that in 2012, after she spent 30 days in the hospital, “… when she reappears, she’s wearing glasses that are only for people who have traumatic brain injury?”
– If reappearing after a short time with new glasses is a sign of brain damage, Superman must be completely retarded by now. He is in no condition to be flying.
(Fun Fact: A retarded Superman is actually Bizarro.)
– “She has hidden a lot,” backpedaled Karl in a recent interview. He was then seen stuffing ballots in a box, skeletons in a closet, and calling the kettle black.
—– Thursday —–
A brand new service has been launched which allows many cell phones users to now text 911 for emergencies.
– Now everyone who gets in a car crash for texting while driving can just continue texting.
– All emergency requests past 2:00am will begin with the customary “You up?”
– When first responders are unavailable, users will receive the message “New phone. Who dis?”
– Victims in critical condition will be ROLF-coptered to the nearest hospital.
– If you think butt dialing your crush is embarrassing, just wait until you sit too hard on a park bench and summon a fleet of gun-wielding cops.
Romania’s famed “Dracula Castle” is up for sale.
– The owners will be accepting the highest bid on eBay which is currently at “10 Count Chocula Box Tops.”
Gag Me With a Spoon:
It is rumored that Stacey Dash, co-star of the movie Clueless, will join Fox News as a contributor.
– Because what better movie could Fox News be associated with than Clueless.
– We all remember when Jeff Daniels was asked to be a correspondent for his role in Dumb & Dumber.
—– Friday —–
1 Vote. 1 Voice.
In the world’s largest election, Narendra Modi has been elected India’s next prime minister, beating his opponent Rahul Gandhi.
– Supporters were so excited, they began shitting in the streets.
– Opponents were so angered, they began shitting in the streets.
– People who had no idea there was a vote, began shitting in the streets.
– Listen, people just shit in the streets there. It’s a thing.
– With Rahul Gandhi losing the election, this will be the biggest defeat the Gandhi Dynasty has ever suffered since Mahatma Gandhi cheated on his diet with a burrito. “Look, Im already wearing a diaper, what could Chipotle possibly do to me that I’m not ready for?”
– Immediately upon his win, India’s rupee jumped 6 percent on the stock market. And with the rupee’s new found worth, Modi’s first act as PM will be to stop the small elvish man who will be seen breaking into everyone’s homes and smashing their ceramics. They are calling his terrorist organization “The Master Sword.”
(Authorities are reporting the criminal’s inability to speak & pointed ears are merely common birth defects.)
Change You Can Believe In:
A student in New York was surprised when she found $40,000 in $100 bills stuffed inside a second-hand couch she purchased.
– Which is very lucky. The last time I purchased a second-hand couch it was stuffed with $40,000 worth of sperm donations.
Bread Winners, Not Eaters:
A new study out of Monash University in Australia is reporting that there is no such thing as a gluten intolerance if you have not been diagnosed with celiac disease, confirming that gluten-free diets are nothing but a fad.
– Making Celiac Disease the coolest disease white people pretend to have since they wanted Parkinson’s during the Harlem Shake craze.