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Topical Cream is your new ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.

—– Monday—–

Americans Airlines accidentally tweeted a pornographic picture in response to a customer’s query.
– The investigation is still ongoing whether or not it is considered pornography, or just a regular customer getting fucked by American Airlines.

In Game of Thrones Spoiler News, King Joffery was killed off in the most recent episode coined “The Purple Wedding.”
– This was no surprise to true Game of Thrones fans who remember Joffery saying, “Call me a big softie, but I always get choked up at weddings.”

Animal advocacy groups have announced they will file a lawsuit against the Department of Agriculture to protect the endangered jaguar.
– While what is protecting the cougars? Spanx.

A HuffPo article was headlined, “President Obama Saves FLOTUS From A Marilyn Monroe Moment.”
– I’m glad Obama was being protective, but why was Michelle Obama trying to bang a Kennedy?

A HuffPo article was headlined, “President Obama Saves FLOTUS From A Marilyn Monroe Moment.”
– She almost became an overrated beauty icon who sleeps with the president… oh wait…

A HuffPo article was headlined, “President Obama Saves FLOTUS From A Marilyn Monroe Moment.”
– Considering his hatred for Snowden, you know he doesn’t like moles.

 

 

—– Tuesday —–

Google has purchased a solar powered drone company called Titan Aerospace.
– Or as Google will be known in the future, “Our Overlords.”
– With the acquisition of mapping drones assisting with Google’s ‘Street View’, it will be much harder to time being caught in a picture, but somehow everyone in the Middle East still manages to do it. This comes on the tail end of its largest Fortune 500 competitor, Facebook, who acquired a messaging service called WhatsApp and a virtual-reality firm called Oculus VR, bringing Facebook users one step closer to talking to people in real life.

Facebook is also launching a friend tracking feature called “Nearby Friends.”
– You know, drones.
– Nearby Friends will be available on Facebook’s iOS and Android apps, but will only work for select locations at first, most commonly – the scene of the crime. 

 

—– Wednesday —–

After a hiatus, KFC brought back its fabled Double Down sandwich.
– “All right!” reads its biggest fan’s epitaph.
– The news comes just days after KFC unveiled a chicken corsage for prom season. The corsage features a wristlet of flowers that comes with a gift card that the recipient can use to buy chicken at KFC, instead of going to prom with anyone.

The World Smallest Penis Competition returns to Brooklyn.
– Which is rare, normally all the investment bankers stay on Wall Street.

The World Smallest Penis Competition returns to Brooklyn.
– And with winter temperatures in April, nature is helping create a hell of a lot of runners-up.

The World Smallest Penis Competition returns to Brooklyn.
– And I came in last place, ladies.

The World Smallest Penis Competition returns to Brooklyn.
– So many beards.

The World Smallest Penis Competition returns to Brooklyn.
– Donald Trump is expected to take home the gold for the fourth year in a row.

a8e

 

—– Thursday —–

On Good Morning America this week, former President George Bush Jr. debut his paintings of world leaders.
– The hardest part about painting Osama Bin Laden had to be constantly telling Dick Cheney to go away who kept running into frame to shake his hand.

Oregon officials have decided to flush out an entire reservoir containing 38 million gallons of water after security footage surfaced of a teenager peeing into it.
– Criticizers of this action consider it very wasteful and that “You should just put a diving board in.”
– “A little bit of pee never hurt anyone,” said R. Kelly.

A group of Russian protestors were detained on suspicion of staging an unsanctioned Anti-Putin demonstration. “Suspicion” because none of the protestors were holding signs.
– After the technicality was pointed out, the protestors were released, and 20 guys advertising Cash 4

Gold were arrested. The protestors said they were holding “invisible signs” which read demands to free other protestors.
– It looked less like a protest, more of a poorly planned Village People Flash Mob. “Why does everyone want to be the Y? Someone has to be the M-C-A!”

So in reality, it was a group of people yelling things with their hands in the air.
– How dare the Russian Police break up a Kendrick Lamar concert!!

 

—– Friday —–

In an attempt to save Detroit from complete bankruptcy, a federal judge has considered ordering Detroit to sell its famous artworks in what he calls a “Grand Bargain.”
– A Grand Bargain is also what everyone in Detroit calls their $20 monthly rent.

The FBI has announced its plans to create a “massive facial recognition database,” which will be very helpful. After a massive facial, you can hardly recognize them. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Scientists have discovered an insect in the caves of Brazil which has swapped genitals, where the female has the penis and the male has the vagina, and they copulate for 40-70 hours straight.
– The discovery was published in Current Biology under the study “The Weirdest Thing That Has Ever Turned Me On.”
– “You see Robin, I’m not the only thing that likes to bang in caves,” said Batman.

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