Topical Cream is your new ICYMI weekly review, brought to you by comedian and actor David Carter.
I Got Designer Genes!
An international group of scientists have built the very first artificial chromosome from yeast.
– Making America one step closer to creating a weaponized Pillsbury Doughboy.
– Now instead of a cute hoot, if you push his belly, a clock counts down.
– “In just 2 minutes, you can make a delicious apple cinnamon strudel, or napalm a small village in South America! Hoo hoo!”
My Cup Runneth Over With Bull****
Two historians claimed to have discovered the Holy Grail in a Spanish museum.
– Their biggest evidence: They found Jesus’s lipstick on the rim.
– With their new found popularity, the museum will now ask all patrons three security questions.
“What is your name? What is your quest? And what is airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?” Violators will be ejected, by catapult.
—– Tuesday —–
Holier Than Thou:
Queen Elizabeth and Pope Francis met in Rome for the first time today.
– Finally making both of their ‘I was appointed by God’ factoids a little less unique.
– The two royals spent the afternoon together enjoying an extravagant lunch hosted by the president of Italy. Wow. Lorde must be fuming.
– Bonding like a pair of Georgetown graduates, the duo wore matching t-shirts that read, “My Father Got Me This Job.”
Anything You Can Do, I Do Bet-ugh…
A pair of identical twins was found dead in their home, sitting in recliners, after missing for two years.
– After an autopsy, the coroner said the cause of death was “Binge watching all of LOST.”
– Anthony Johnson was 63 when he died. No report on how old the other twin was.
Paint By Numbers… of Pollutants:
Greek and German scientists suggest that some of the world’s most famous paintings may give us clues as to the pollution levels of the past.
– Citing how paintings of old sunsets may show how much volcanic ash was in the atmosphere, or how paintings of Andy Warhol can tells us how many cans of soup we have left.
—– Wednesday —–
Single in the USSR!
It has been reported that Vladimir Putin will be getting a divorce from his long-time wife.
– Vladimir was quoted saying, “With my stance on gay people, how could I stay married to a woman who approves of a half-naked man riding on horseback?”
Show Me The Money:
The Supreme Court recently ruled 5-4 in McCutcheon v. Federal Election Commission, striking down the overall limit on an individual’s campaign contributions. While the cap for a single donation is still set, by allowing this donation an infinite amount of times by the wealthy, the majority opinion believes that it will somehow increase democracy, by creating a wider spread of influence.
– It’s like how the only thing better than when a drunken roommate takes a single dump on the floor, is when he spreads it all over the walls.
– Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Antonin Scalia both defend their majority opinions with the 1964 precedent Go vs. Fuck Yourself. This will be the 42nd time they have used this case.
– Now that money is even more protected “free speech”, I cannot wait until mute ballers start getting kicked out of strip clubs for talking too much.
—– Thursday —–
Street-Walk This Way:
Scarlet Johansson went undercover in Glascow, Scotland to pick up men and lure them into a van to film her new movie “Under the Skin”, where she plays an alien that seduces men with her naked body.
– Let me get this straight. The streets of Scotland get an overly sexualized Scarlet Johansson picking up random men while America JUST got health insurance. HOW DOES ANYONE STILL THINK AMERICA IS #1!?
Y’all Wanna Eat Some Butter?
On the heels of her racist scandal, Paula Dean’s very popular Georgia restaurant “Uncle Bubba’s Seafood & Oyster House” closed today. The company has assured that employees will be provided with severance pay.
– Each employee was assured they would either receive 100% of their severance pay or as much as 3/5ths. What a compromise!
– Other failed Paula Dean business models include Tom Sawyer’s White Washing, His and Them’s Water Fountains, and an historical beauty salon called 12 Years a Shave.
—– Friday —–
Late Show host David Letterman has announced that he will retire in 2015.
Here is my Top 10 List of “Why David Letterman is Retiring in 2015”
1) His long hours are pushing him and his wife, and his two front teeth, even further apart.
2) He was tired of being beaten in the ratings by his own commercials.
3-10) He has already sexually harassed every intern he could.
3 Minutes in the Microwave & 3 Nights in the Drunk Tank:
An inebriated 19-year-old Notre Dame student reportedly broke into a day spa and ate all of the Hot Pockets out of its kitchen.
– Detectives are calling foul. No real day spa would ever carry Hot Pockets.
Courtney Love’s band Hole is reuniting.
– This will come as no surprise as the grunge band has a history of rebelling against popular opinion.