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Episode 4 for my favorite reality competition show ever was, as always filled with both high drama and high jinx. The episode kicks off with Zac and Seth actually being civil to each other and you just know, things are not going to end well for one of them. And because Zac is being groomed to “Queer Cake for the Straight Guy” spin-off by BRAVO producers as we speak, we also know who’s going down.

The quickfire challenge was sponsored by BREYERS and judged by Gail Gand (so many Gails witty remark opps! so many!) who is releasing a line of ice cream with Breyers (if the 85000 pop up ads on BRAVO’s site are anything to go by, and they always are) so-IT IS A SUNDAE CHALLENGE.

Seth starts promptly bitching that they’re not allowed to make their own ice cream but everyone sort of just pulls knives and, as our BYGays noted on twitter, SOMEHOW gets the perfect ice cream to match their personality.

Since ice cream is so evocative, we learn SO MUCH about everyone: in Turkey, young Yigit growing up didn’t have chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream, but now that her lives in the land of milk, honey and opportunities, HE EATS IT A LOT (a story I can personally relate to), Morgan got mint chocolate chip and THAT IS HIS KID’S FAVORITE FLAVOR and now that he and his wife are separated and he gets to see his son only on Sundays, he was not going to make a sun-DAE, he was going to make a sun-DAY (the nuances of spelling these words out loud seemed to strain his perfectly square jaw a little, but hey dude, you’re a hot pastry chef single Dad, you’re forgiven FOR EVERYTHING)

And then, SETH HAS A PANIC ATTACK. A full on, lying on the ground, OMG-DO-I-REALLY-HAVE-A-FOOD-TRUCK-FESTIVAL-AND-ARTISPHERE-OPENING PARTY-THIS-WEEKEND-OMG-I’M-HYPERVENTILATING panic attack (much like Bravo, I am also all about not-so-subtle product placement-ed).

So the ambulances show up, make him actually breathe and then….then Seth goes home. Johnny Iuzzini stops by the work room looking like an understudy for Grease and lets everyone know what happened

and the room promptly bursts out into the Wizard of Oz Munchkins song:

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

It is actually pretty sad to see everyone in so much of a better mood now that Seth and his evil twin neck bump are gone. Then OF COURSE somoene HAS TO BE BROUGHT BACK and so Heather C and her mysterious forehead wound return to the fold. During the quickfire judging Morgan cries when talking about his son and, naturally, the two Gails let him win and win immunity. After all, they’re only women, they’re powerless.

I also remember that Malika actually put a cherry on top of her sundae (which did not place on top or on bottom) and I thought “Really? The girl needs to go”. But more on that later.

So, with Set gone and Heather C fighting adversity in the face of the “already been eliminated” stigma, the chefs are informed of their elimination challenge which is to (in teams of three) create a dessert each, a chocolate centerpiece and a fourth dessert which HAS TO INCLUDE FIRE all of which is to be inspired by the Lucent Dossier performance (I guess Cirque du Soleil was not in town?) which is kind of like an extra fetishy, extra firey operation with an adultish entertainment bend (please see Johnny Iuzzini trying to sound creepily aroused by them in his top chef blog. TRYING being the operative word here)

So since Morgan, Zac and Yigit had the best sundaes, they get to be team leaders and this is how that shakes out:

  • TEAM EXOTIC: Morgan, Heather H & Eric
  • TEAM NAUGHTY’N’NICE: Zac, Malika & Heather C (aka “Team Drama” since, according to Zac: “We’re all prone to tears”)
  • TEAM SASSY SEXY SULTRY: Yigit, Danielle and Erika (with Yigit being the “sexy” part, naturally. NATURALLY)

ANYWHOO-cooking happens and the big story here (aside from all the extremely phallic centerpieces (“Its all balls and columns”-and I quote) and Zac molding his face in brown sugar by just straight up diving into it) is that Heather C is not doing well.

I can see how being brought back is hard on people but BRAVO is doing this poor girl (who is there repping DC, btw) no favors. The whole cooking portion consisted of quick cuts to Heather being unsure, Heather not knowing how to do something, Heather having problems with her merengue, Heather forgetting to clean up behind herself….with Zac and Heather H (who is quickly emerging as this seasons Mean Girl/Head Bitch in Charge #1) leading the taunting way, in a fashion that only people who have been bullied themselves aplenty can execute. I was amazed the girl was not in tears 90% of the episode.

Then-the judging happens. Now, as you’ve grown accustomed by my recaps, I remember very little about the food itself (I think I try to supress the memories because I’ll just end up HUNGRY) but here are some finer (bullet) points:

  • Yigit’s team failed to flambe their dessert in front of the judges, and judges were not happy about that. Not happy at all.
  • They did not like Heather C’s dessert
  • they really liked Malika’s saffron panna cotta
  • They really liked Morgan’s mango panna cotta (are we noticing a pattern here?)

And in the end TEAM EXOTIC won overall with Morgan winning the solo title WHICH P.I.S.S.E.D. Heather H off to no end (can’t wait till next episode where her temper makes her a fully fledged Wendy/Omarosa of this season) and Malika straight up volunteering herself for elimination, and, as a direct result, being eliminated, buying Heather C some extra time to plot revenge and develop telekinetic powers for next week’s Stephen King themed episode (I WISH!)