This originally ran November 24, 2015.
I love Thanksgiving. I get to pretend I’m not shoveling food into my mouth at an appalling rate year-round. I am! I do. The only difference is this food is being carefully prepared by my family for several days on end as opposed to being carefully delivered to me by a stranger in what should be no longer than an hour. Apart from getting out as quickly as they can, the first thing folks usually do once the meal is done is take a nap. If you aren’t in the comforts of your own home and are trapped in the discomforts of the place from whence you came (with 30 of your “closest” relatives) finding a spot to slumber could prove difficult. Here are some HOT NAP TIPS for your Thanksgiving.
Did you know when you consume enough alcohol you can pretty much sleep anywhere? It’s true! Feel free to have an extra helping of a bottle of wine and just pass the fuck out wherever it strikes your fancy. Under the table? Fine. My mom will appreciate that because she is a Dave Matthews Band fan and loves that album (I know). In the middle of the kitchen? No problem. You’ll give the all-important illusion of helping clean up when really you’re in the goddamn way. On top of the family pet? Cool…they spend 99% of their time on your face so why not pay them back?
The bathroom will provide the most privacy in the house. No one wants to knock for fear of what may be crawling out of your body at that very moment. If you turn the fan on you’ll create the always soothing white noise that will drown out even the most aggressive family member’s persistent banging. Occasionally wake up and moan so people think your lower intestines are trying to make a break for it. If you can, climb on the toilet because that’s where you’re going to end up anyway.
Family time is the perfect time for you to remember why you don’t live there anymore. If this is a movie from the 50’s your mom will keep asking you why you aren’t married. If this is a movie from the 80’s you’ll have overachieving siblings whose lives are totally together while you are a 33 year-old living in a small studio apartment in DC with more parking tickets than dates. If this is a movie from the 90’s then you should probably be hacking the planet right now. Whatever your background is you definitely leave feeling like a shell of your former self which let’s face it was NOT REALLY DOING THAT WELL. Why not wrap that insecurity blanket around you tightly and just disappear into your own head for a while. Once you’re back at your place you can turn your life into a millennium movie by Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ing the entire experience and pretending you never left your tiny, single room apartment. Eat a can of cold beans in the dark. Hug yourself.
Your Old Bedroom
Your room is probably being used as a dumping ground for your parents’ new and exciting post-you life! If not, if it somehow remained exactly the same, like a shrine to your former life…hit the hay in the bed you grew up in but didn’t do much more on than read some nerdy fucking book and stare at the glow in the dark stars you put on your ceiling. It’s nice to be surrounded by the hope of an entire life ahead of you as well as your 6th place field day ribbon from 5th grade. Pretty soon you’ll be so exhausted from disappointment you’ll drift off into a peaceful dream world where you actually did become a doctor as you planned.
It’s probably going to be pretty chilly tomorrow so find the closest Tauntaun, cut it open, crawl in, and wake up on Friday.
This piece originally ran November 27, 2013.