By David Carter
As Easter is upon us and a large portion of the world celebrates the death of Jesus Christ and his famous David Blaine-styled 3 Day Nap, it’s time to look back and remember the other Jesus’ that have graced us, pun not intended, with their gifts and presence, pun intended.
Jesus Chris – The Carpenter (Israel 30 AD)
This man happened to be named Jesus and was in the same trade at the same time Jesus Christ was gaining fame.
Gaining fame so, like – Jesus Christ wasn’t headlining temples, but the Israel-tonian still listed him as “Holiest Local Prophet to Watch”. A lot of other local prophets threw a fit for not making the list even though they knew the list wasn’t founded in anything. The writer only went to a handful of services and arbitrarily picked- you know what, it doesn’t matter…
Jesus Chris the Carpenter had a small shop right on the banks of the Gaza Strip, beach front property, beautiful. The issue was, due to the name and trade confusion, he would get nothing but whores and lepers asking him for prayers. That audience doesn’t really attract wealthy customers who need bookshelves. “Prices so low, it’s a miracle” he tried to spin the confusion, but the public wasn’t having it. Eventually his shop had to close down, but being the business savvy Jesus he was, he opened up a night club called “The Gaza Strip” because all of the whores and lepers were already there.
Jesus Crisp – The Inventor of the Potato Chip (France 1818 AD)
Many people believe the myth of Jesus Christ, but no one remembers the myth of Jesus Crisp. Fabled history says the chip was invented by a pissed off chef who had a customer complain that his potatoes were not prepared the way he would like them, that they weren’t thin or salted enough. So the French man cooked them to the nth degree and invented chips. But anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant knows that the head chef has a team of cooks that actually cook for him. Jesus Crisp was one of them and he was training that day. Taking the sarcasm of the chef literally, Crisp baked the potatoes to a non-ironic hell, and invented the very first chips. “Is this what you wanted?” he asked Chef Boyardee. “Why not!” replied the asshole. Now we have Doritos.
Jesus H. “Tap Dancing” Christ – The Dancer (Italy 1923 AD)
Much like Frank Sinatra, this performer got his start performing in Italian restaurants in Italy for change. (It should be noted that in Italy, Italian restaurants are just called restaurants.) But unlike Frank Sinatra, Jesus H. “Tap Dancing” Christ did not hit women, and was named Jesus. His family owned a few restaurants, as the mafia tends to do, and whenever the patrons found a lull in conversation or wanted entertainment they would yell his name. “JESUS H. TAP DANCING CHRIST!” This of course would startle many patrons who were unaware of this trend, which would result in them also yelling his name. “JESUS H. TAP DANCING CHRIST!” Jesus would then come out from the kitchen and put on a little show. The patrons would then tip the tiny dancer by throwing coins at him, many of which would hit the little boy in the face. He would then scream his own name. “JESUS H. TAP DANCING CHRIST!” Even his attending mother would laugh at the irony. The Christ family immigrated to the US a few years later and introduced their son’s talent, but more importantly, the exclamation, to America.
Fun Fact: Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” was inspired by Jesus H. “Tap Dancing” Christ
Jesus Phish – The Oldest Roadie for the band PHISH (America 1987 AD)
This ancient staple of this ancient band changed his last name from ‘Fish’ to ‘Phish’ in honor of his career. He also no longer wanted to be confused with Jesus Fish, a person he swore he met that one time. When PHISH was just a bunch of friends jamming in high school, Jesus would let them practice in his garage, saying “Anything to help kids stay away from drugs”. Jesus never expected that he was helping the birth of a movement, a movement full of drugs. When the band made it big, they went back to the then elderly man and asked if he wanted to carry heavy speakers around until he died. Jesus initially claimed he had a bad back and couldn’t do anything due to the pain. Well, one short accidental contact high later, a pain-free Jesus was in the back of PHISH’s Mystery Machine which stayed cloudier than Heaven, a Heaven Jesus Phish reached at the ripe old age of 126. Pot slows down the ageing process.
Fun Fact: Jesus Fish is the World Record Holder for the Deepest Unassisted Dive
Jesus ________ – A Bunch of Soccer Players (Europe 1940-Eternity AD)
Named after the famed deity, this bunch of soccer players is a never ending source of people named Jesus, who aren’t actually Jesus. Quite frequently adorned by tattoos of their namesake, these bunch of soccer players enjoy activities like soccer and playing soccer. Many of these Jesi, which is the plural for Jesus, were at first doctors, lawyers, and scientists, but when they discovered their name was Jesus, they immediately started playing professional soccer. One doctor even left mid-heart surgery after he caught his name tag in the reflection of a scalpel. “Dr. Jesus? That doesn’t sound right” he admitted as he replaced his latex gloves with goalie mitts. “Saving lives was never my real GOOOOOOOOAL!” At any given time there are at least 20,000 soccer players named Jesus on this planet. Christian groups are constantly suing sports announcers for allegedly taking the Lord’s name in vain, but are reassured that it’s not ‘that Jesus’. One historical civil lawsuit came on the end of the FIFA World Championship when one announcer called:
“Jesus kicked it to Jesus, dodging a slide tackle by Jesus, Jesus passing it back to Jesus who head butts it down the field to Jesus, travels past Mark, passes it across to Jesus, who shoots for the goal! –And it is immediately blocked, because as we all know, Jesus saves.”
Fun Fact: There are also 5,000 boxers also named Jesus.