I love Peter Pan. I did not love Peter Pan Live. Now, I want to be clear: I did not go into the Peter Pan Live experience very optimistically (which is precisely what NBC wanted all of us to do because #HATEWATCHRATINGS) but I didn’t expect it to have zero redeeming qualities, and now that I’ve had a night to sleep on it, I’m just kind of like…mad. Here is a non-exhaustive list of reasons why this productions sucked so hard:
Like, what even the fuck. Dear Allison Williams: historically, you should probably only be a British Peter Pan if you are actually British and/or can do a solid imitation of a British accent. So thanks for (completely unnecessarily) subjecting us to your bullshit for three hours. PS I hate you, and also you can’t even really fly.
Why did they make Lady Edith play Wendy? Lady Edith is not a believable adolescent (WE SAW HER GET JILTED AT THE ALTAR AND ALSO SHE LIKE HAS AN ILLEGITIMATE BABY), and also she is really annoying and I wish she had died instead of Lady Sybil. (PS I realize that Laura Carmichael and Taylor Louderman are not the same person, but you see what I’m saying, right?)
Okay, I understand that there is the problem of size happening here, so you can’t technically get a real actor to do this role live, but like…couldn’t they have just gotten Emma Roberts? She’s a mega-waif and like, everyone knows the Roberts family is meant to inherit all instances of Tinkerbell roles. (I can’t get sad about Tinkerbell drinking poison to save Peter Pan if she is basically a laser pointer.)
I get that this guy is supposed to be a real dick, but like…basically this one super deserved to have his children stolen in the night by a gay pirate.
Sorry, I had to take a breather from hating Allison Williams, but now my batteries are recharged and ready to talk about whatever the fishnet top situation was re: her costume. What was its purpose? Can the top be removed to capture aquatic animals for cooking and eating in a pinch? Do people eat food in Neverland? PS your eyebrows are dumb.
Just…why were you so boring? Did you pop a shitload of Quaaludes before the show? (Also Johnny Depp called and said “FUCK YOU, Wiggity Wack Sparrow…” but don’t take it TOO personally // it’s probably just because he’s bummed about not getting married to Amber Heard anymore. But you still sucked really hard at this role.)
SO UNNECESSARY AND NOT EVEN GOOD! SO BAD THAT ME AND MY FRIENDS WILL NOT EVEN LISTEN TO THEM EVER AGAIN.
This is probably the thing that makes me the maddest…the Lost Boys are supposed to be dope as fuck, and here they were made into sniveling little dorknozzles with stupid outfits. Like, do you belong in Neverland having adventures or on the Good Ship Lollipop with fucking Shirley Temple? (No disrespect, Shirley…you were dope as fuck in your own curly-haired way.) I mean, you don’t have to give me Rufio (although it would have been much appreciated), but at LEAST give me some dirt and/or some believable tatters! Like, who are these guys even supposed to be, Ralph Lauren’s illegitimate kids? NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU.
I would willingly walk myself into that crocodile’s jaws, that is how non-terrifying that motherfucker was. They should have just painted Lena Dunham green and called it a day.
Just like…ALL of it.