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Some of you might expect me to address the impending presidential debates, but as a former political scientist, I don’t really feel like it. Instead, I would prefer to make Kristen Stewart the central theme of this Hit List, because we’ll have the opportunity to learn how to imitate her for FREE tonight. But we’ll get to that momentarily. First (as usual) LET’S EAT SOME FOOD!

  • Nothing says delicious like locally-grown food (except for maybe Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts), so let’s make our first stop of the night at Let Us Eat Local; we’ll enjoy three hours of stuffing our faces with all sorts of locally-sourced delicacies, and it will (presumably) be good.
  • “That’s a lot of coin to cough up, Megan. I just don’t have that kind of cash.” Me neither. But how about $35, though? That’s slightly more reasonable, right? Kind of? That price tag gets you an organic dinner AND drinks at this Public Art Potluck, plus you’ll get to participate in a dialogue about socially-engaged art projects in NYC and Philadelphia.
  • “That’s all well and good, Megan, but I am actually a proper pauper tonight, and I definitely can’t afford to spend $35 for dinner.” PHEW! Me neither! (Panic-inducing side note: WHAT IF WE HAVE TO BE POOR FOREVER?!) So let’s go feign interest in this book launch for Baked as we cram free sweets into our faces!

  • “That sounds a little dishonest, Megan.” Well why don’t you go WINE about it, then. No, seriously, you can go drink away the guilt at Corkbuzz Wine Studio, where they’ll be putting on a tasting today.
  • And after all that wine, it’s likely you’ll be in tip-top shape to try your hand at the art of acting. To get started, you can check out this free class led by world-famous Kristen Stewart impersonator Laura McDonald! (“Because one Kristen Stewart was not enough,” said no one ever.)

  • “KRISTEN STEWART BROKE ROBERT PATTINSON’S HEART, MEGAN.” I know, and it was awesome! But I can tell you’re not in a good emotional place to be taking Kristen Stewart-inspired acting courses, so instead, let’s lift your spirits at Comedy Beyond Recognition, hosted by John F. O’Donnell. Tonight’s show features Ben Kronberg, Brooke Van Poppelen, and MANY MORE, and you will LOL SO MUCH!
  • Or, if you’re afraid of Brooklyn, then maybe skip that last thing and head to Pianos instead; for just $5 you can laugh and laugh and LAUGH at tonight’s One to Grow On, featuring Dave Hill, Kerri Doherty, Mandy Stadtmiller and Andrew Bucket.

  • Then again, maybe you’d prefer your comedy with a side of politics, in which case I vote you head to 92Y to watch the presidential debate this evening; funny and/or educated people will commentate, and you will laugh and/or cry. (I will be watching Disney Channel, probably.)
  • “No, no politics for me, Megan.” EXCELLENT CHOICE! Why not check out one of several concerts tonight instead? Personally, I vote we go relive the magic that was Kill Bill’s O-ren Ishii by hitting up this RZA show

  • Or, provided you have $45, you can go check out M83 and have the greatest time ever.
  • But let’s be honest, you probably don’t have $45, meaning you should skip that last thing and go see Tennis and Wild Belle for the slightly less expensive price tag of $20.
  • And now let’s be extra-honest, because you probably don’t even have $20. SO, just try and scrape together $12 and you’ll be all set to revel in the fact that “we’re all just taller children,” at this Elizabeth and the Catapult show, all while imagining Elizabeth being shot out of a catapult!
  • Then again, FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID, because E.T. turns THIRTY today. Let’s go watch my favorite film and, despite knowing the outcome, continue to sob our faces off near the end!

Are you making that Kristen Stewart face (read: the only Kristen Stewart face) where she is just SO DISPLEASED SHE MIGHT VOMIT? Well STOP IT and just tell me what’s bothering you in the comments and/or on Twitter (@BYTNYC) and (provided your problem doesn’t have to do with giving birth to a vampire baby) I can (maybe) help!

Oh and PS, here is one of her falling down!