This weekend I did a lot of productive things, which involved not leaving the house at all, and also watching The Amanda Show on Teen Nick for hours and hours. The latter inspired me to get caught up on all of Amanda Bynes’ “crazy” antics; I say “crazy,” because pretty much everything I’ve read just makes me want to be friends with her. A LOT. For instance, here’s one example of her recent erratic behavior:
“She was talking to the light fixtures and singing loudly,” a source says of Bynes, 26. “And she tripped on the way out…” At the gym, she spent an hour in a locker room attaching false eyelashes while belting out Usher’s “Without You.”
Like, what about that (apart from maybe the bit about the light fixtures) would make you NOT want to be friends with Amanda Bynes? I don’t know if she’s still creeping around NYC, but assuming she is, and also assuming she is reading this, I would like to say: 1) be friends with me, Amanda Bynes, and 2) begin said friendship by accompanying me to all of the following events tonight:
- First, I don’t know who’s NOT trying to go to something called Ham-a-Rama, so I’m just going to make an executive decision for us to go there as soon as we get off work. And we will eat SO MUCH HAM.
- “Actually, Megan, I can think of a lot of people who are not trying to go to Ham-a-Rama because they don’t eat pork.” Good point. SO, provided we’re all cool with dairy, let’s instead go to this event, which combines yoga and ice cream.
- “How many times must I tell you I’m LACTOSE-INTOLERANT, MEGAN.” At least once more, sir. At least once more. But is there dairy in paella? If there is, then just stop reading now, because I’m about to tell you to go to this event, called El Coto de Rioja Paella Parade. It’s not an ACTUAL parade, which is kind of disappointing because I’d like to see people dressed up as the ingredients in paella, parading around, throwing spoonfuls of paella into the crowd. BUT, it WILL be a paella cookoff, PLUS there will be Spanish wines, PLUS it will benefit Action Against Hunger. EVERYONE PROBABLY WINS.
- If you liked the wine factor in that last event more than all other factors combined, then just skip to the good stuff and head to this next event, titled Italy’s Excellence Wine Tasting at Remi.
- Now that we’re filled with wine, it’s likely we’re also filled with romance. As a result, we’ll probably really want to go to this Lifehouse concert, where our eyes will fill with tears as Jason Wade belts out “Falling Even More In Love With You” for FREE.
- “I didn’t drink the wine and become filled with romance because I did yoga and ate ice cream instead, Megan.” Well look at you, canceling the effects of that workout with mountains of frozen dairy! Since you’re (presumably) sober, maybe you should cruise on by powerHouse Arena for the book launch of My Berlin Kitchen by Luisa Weiss; according to the event listing, the book “will have readers cheering for two unbeatable protagonists: love and food.” (My favorite protagonists, apart from Amanda Bynes!)
- “Books? What? I’m trying to party, Megan. It’s October and things are getting serious.” True. So why not go to this party I found on Eventbrite called “Wesley Super Chill Party” instead? I have no idea what will happen there, nor do I know who Wesley is, but if the title is accurate, we are all in for a really super chill time.
- “I said I was trying to party, not get killed by a stranger named Wesley, Megan.” Okay, well why don’t we go dance it out on a budget at this FREE Dum Dum Girls show, where there’s a 99% chance that we will not get killed by a stranger named Wesley?
- To cap off our evening, we can also go learn the ancient art of breaking into things at this crash-course titled College of Lockpicking; as a person who’s had to have her mildly creepy neighbor break into her apartment with a credit card after locking herself out several times, I can attest to the (mildly creepy) value of this skill.
So Amanda, do you feel like being friend with me now? If not, what should I have included to make you want to be friends with me? Rehab? Please elaborate in the comments and/or on Twitter @BYTNYC, PLEASE.