[ed. note: This post originally ran in 2012. Heist-er Jeff Jetton will be at Eat the Rich tonight judging the BYOP Pumpkin Carving party from 5 – 7 pm. The best carver will win a $50 bar tab on Halloween.]
We were bored. Boredom is one of the most obvious symptoms of a hurricane. Since the dawn of time, man has had to figure out shit to occupy himself whilst indoors during inclement weather. Hence the creation of board games. It’s a little known fact that the game Battleship was created during the Surprise Hurricane of 1943. Look it up. Okay, don’t. We are lying.
Anyways, the point is, we were bored. And whoever said ‘idle hands do the devil’s work’ or whatever the phrase is wasn’t lying. We were absolutely hell-bent on doing, if not the devil’s deeds, at least the jobs of some lesser demons. At least Slayer’s work. Slayer’s work would do for these idle hands…
But the truth is, it’s not stealing if you return it. It’s basically borrowing. And if you leave it better than when it was in the possession of its owner, if you’ve improved it, then that makes you a hero of sorts. It’s probably just best to get right into it. We were bored…
Jeff: I want to carve a Slayer pumpkin.
J*n: I want to carve an NPR pumpkin.
J*r*my: (shakes head and rolls eyes at his wife, J*n)
Jeff: Yeah, that’s not happening. An NPR pumpkin is quite possibly the lamest idea I’ve ever heard. Let’s steal a pumpkin in Georgetown and carve it into a Jack-O-Slayer. Then return it.
J*r*my: Hell yes.
It was about a five minute walk in the fifty mile-per-hour winds and light rain to 2523 Q Street NW, the site of where we would steal the pumpkin. J*r*my began having reservations about half-way there. Stating that he would not go near the house, he kept watch for police from afar. Whatever, I grabbed the pumpkin and briskly walked back to J*r*my’s house. He had already run down the block.
We’re not going to lie and pretend it wasn’t a pain in the ass to get that son of a bitch back to the house. Stealing pumpkins is hard work. Real, honest to God manual labor. Feeling the strain on our backs, we readied some chairs around the table, laid out some newspaper and prepared to dig in. Literally. We’ll spare you the scooping of the guts pictures. Suffice to say, sticking your hand inside a pumpkin and pulling out the insides is probably the grossest thing you can do around Halloween. And we’ve been to the Blackout NYC Haunted House, we know gross…
J*r*my didn’t want larceny on his rap sheet and since he works on the Hill, he figured it would be better to disguise his persona. With a costume, duh. But just because he didn’t want the world to see his face doesn’t mean he wasn’t ready to stab that pumpkin like a Manhattan nanny.
I, however, could care less who knows that I took some Georgetown lady’s pumpkin and Slayered the hell out of it. Plus, it’s not easy getting the lettering perfect. A mask just gets in the way. Full concentration is mandatory for the precision required to get the center part of the ‘A’ and ‘R’ just right…
As J*r*my researched cocktail recipes on the internet, we put the finishing touches on the Jack-O-Slayer. It only took about twenty minutes, but in that time we developed quite a thirst for Halloween-themed cocktails…
We decided to go with the Bloody Mary, figuring it was fairly Halloween-themed and fit the mood since we were listening to Slayer’s Reign in Blood.
Here’s our recipe…
2 ounces vodka
5 ounces Clamato juice
1/4 teaspoon chipotle powder
1/4 teaspoon togarashi
1/4 tablespoon horseradish
Salt and Pepper to taste
Juice of 2 lime wedges
To cook the pumpkin seeds or not to pumpkin seeds, that was the question. We did have a good witch hanging out not getting her hands dirty, so we figured why not put those idle hands to good use. “Get in the kitchen, witch” might have been thrown around a couple of times, but only in jest, only in jest.
Spicy Roasted Pumpkin Seeds
Yields 1 cup
1 cup raw pumpkin seeds, well rinsed and patted dry
2 Tbsp unsalted butter, melted
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp garlic pepper
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/2 tsp Spanish paprika
1 tsp sea salt + more to taste
1. Preheat the oven to 300˚F. Spray a large cookie sheet with nonstick cooking spray.
2. Once the seeds are rinsed and patted dry, mix the butter, Worcestershire sauce and the rest of the seasonings together in a large zip lock bag. Dump in the seeds, seal the bag and shake it about until the seeds are evenly coated.
3. Spread the seeds evenly on the cookie sheet in a single layer. Bake for 30-45 minutes, checking on them and flipping them over every 10 minutes.
While ‘J*n the Good Witch’ roasted the seeds, we enjoyed a cocktail and plotted the return of the pumpkin…
The seeds roasted, we bagged them up to give to the people whose pumpkin we stole. Not bad for an hour’s work…
Buzzed on a few Bloody Mary’s worth of vodka, we stumbled down the street with our Jack-O-Slayer, our bloody newspaper message and the bag of gourmet roasted seeds (we left the knives at home). We know there was somebody home because the lights were on when we taped the note and the seeds to the door and delivered the Jack-O-Slayer. We banged on the door loudly and ran away…
But when we returned ten minutes later, the lights were all off the pumpkin was still aglow with the note still taped to the door. I think we scared the shit out of these people, which kinda makes sense when you see the below picture…
Alas, when we returned the next afternoon, the Slayer pumpkin was still on the doorstep and the note/seeds were gone. I guess they weren’t too scared after all…
For more Slayer coverage on BYT, check out the interview we did with Dave Lombardo…