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The Five Stages of Finding Out That Disney Bought Lucasfilm And Will Be Releasing A New Star Wars Film

by Richard Benjumea


No. No fuckin’ way. This can’t be true. Who shared this article on Facebook? John? That bastard rakes the bottom of the internet, believing anything he finds. He’s not trustworthy. This is probably one of those internet rumors, like that time they said Jeff Goldblum died… Wait, actually, is Jeff Goldblum still alive? I haven’t heard of him in a while… oh, God…


Mothershitting Christ! Seriously?! First an Evil Dead remake now this! Why don’t I just cut my balls off and send it in with 3 proofs of purchase to Robert Iger and George Lucas…Lucas..that whore… He wants to focus on smaller, pet projects? Like fuckin’ Red Tails!? You cast Cuba Gooding Jr in that piece of shit film, the guy who was in Radio. And fuckin’ Ne-Yo?!… Where’s my whiskey. I’m not naive, I know Hollywood is a business, but seriously? You’re beating a dead Taun-Taun here. Let’s not do anymore Jar-Jar-esque damage. You wouldn’t do this to a beloved family member would you? It’s like digging up your recently deceased, war hero grandfather after spending his last years suffering through the indignities of Alzheimer’s and making him do the ‘Macarena’ at a family party, Weekend at Bernie’s style. It may offer a momentary macabre thrill, but it’s just wrong..WRONG! Even Stan Lee is thinking “Dood, show a little artistic integrity…”


Please, i’ll do anything. What do you want from me? I bought Episode: I on Blu-Ray for christ sake, isn’t that enough? I’ll go as Jar-Jar Binks for Halloween, shit I’ll dress as Jar-Jar everyday. Come on now, let’s think about this, do you really want Disney to remake Howard the Duck in 3D starring Zac fuckin’ Effron!? Please, just let this be a rumor, you can have my first born. God, is this because I didn’t see the last one more than 3 times?


Game over man. Whiskey is the only * hic * ssafe thing in this world. Fuck it, might as well open my mint-in-box early 90’s Emperor Palpatine figure… Breathe little buddy, breathe the foul stench of reality. Fucking Capitalist bastards…Nothing is sacred, God is dead. Qui Gon must be turning in his urn. Why does everything I care about *hic* have to leave me. I..I wonder what Jenny is doing… I should call her…


You know what, Jenny is right, not about me never calling her at 3am ever again, fuck that, I’ll call whoever I want, but about the positive side of all this; Star Wars is coming back! Under new supervision, sure, but it won’t be that bad I guess, the animated Clone Wars was pretty good. Besides, Lucas is only going to be a creative consultant, the series seemed to suffer only when he took direct control anyways. It’ll be an original new story. Maybe it’ll focus on Boba Fett on the mean streets of Coruscant, or Yoda in High School or some shit, yeah… that’d be radical. Just God help them if Disney re-releases Howard the Duck…

please share your feelings in comments below. THIS.IS.A.SAFE.PLACE.