Furious 7 hits theaters tomorrow and I’m already hearing bonkers reviews and talk about a goddamn Kurt Russell cameo. We’re all going to see it even if we’ve been remiss in following the franchise because it stars a now very dead Paul Walker. Spoiler Alert: He dies in the film and also in real life so now you have to sit through two fucking Paul Walker deaths. I’m going to sob like a baby. If you somehow missed all 6 Fast & Furious films, maybe you were too fast or furious for your own good then fear not because we’re going to sum them up for you in this easy to read gif-filled nightmare.
The Fast and the Furious (2001)
This is Point Break with cars. Paul Walker is Keanu Reeves. Vin Diesel is Patrick Swayze. No one is Anthony Kiedis. BACK OFF WARCHILD.
2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)
This movie is essentially the Halloween 3: Season of the Witch of the franchise. No Michael Myers (Paul Walker/Vin Diesel) plus all new characters, location and probably new cars who the hell knows they all look the same to me. There is a theory that this film takes place after the 6th movie and before the 7th because Han is in Tokyo where he presumably returned after his lady friend died. Here’s a Paul Walker gif because he wasn’t in this film and we missed him.
Fast & Furious (2009)
It’s the best double cross film since The Usual Suspects. Literally everyone is Kaiser Soze. It’s the Manchurian Candidate (ManFurious Candidate?) of the franchise. Oh then Vin Diesel’s girlfriend Letty is murdered.
Fast Five (2011)
This is the Con Air of the franchise. Paul Walker is a good guy turned “bad.” He and Jordana Brewster have to BUST Vin Diesel out of jail and they do so in a righteous opening sequence while he is being transported on a bus (okay so this part is the Fugitive of the series except everyone keeps their arms). But then the MOTHERFUCKIN’ ROCK shows up because the crew is blamed for killing a DEA agent and you know The Rock is NOT okay with that. To get back at the REAL bad guys the crew decides to steal a giant vault of money from the leader of a drug cartel. This begs the question how did these street racers become such smooth criminals? Also there is an epic fight between Vin Diesel and The Rock. If I ever get married I’m walking down the aisle to that scene. Oh and bonus LETTY IS NOT ACTUALLY DEAD.
Fast & Furious 6 (2013)
This is the Ocean’s 12 of the franchise because EVERYONE IS IN IT from every film and they are yanked back from their comfy positions in life to do “one more job,” ha! That’s the only way you can pull off a truly big heist. The Rock approaches Vin Diesel to help him catch some other bad guy. How do you get Vin Diesel to do anything? You flash him a pic of his NOT REALLY DEAD girlfriend then promise to reunite them because Letty is working for the bad guys. Things get a little too Bold and the Beautiful for me when we discover that Letty didn’t return to the crew because she had amnesia. No one really has amnesia. That is a made up thing in this world. Anyway they of course catch the really bad guys. Everyone is absolved of their sins and returns to LA where it should have been wrapped up in a neat little package but oh nooooo because here comes….
Furious 7 (2015)
Paul Walker dies. Furious 7 minutes in Heaven. 🙁