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MERRY YESTERDAY-CHRISTMAS, HERE’S SOME SEX MUSIC FOR YOU:

Bed-squeak samples don’t count. These are the best songs that sample *the real* sex-sounds—whether it be a moan of ecstasy, slight squish of bodily fluids mixing, or Biggie getting a blowy. Doesn’t that sound sexy? It should sound sexy. Because there is little more erotic than listening to sex sounds while making your own. Ugh (she said sexily) that’s so sexy.

Aaaaaand we’re off:

1. What’s in Your Head — Disclosure 

The most modern of the sex-sample sound songs on the list, Disclosure get’s all kinds of explicit. Some very choice porny moans.

2. Breathe on Me — Britney

The first “vocals” you hear are of Britney-breathing, followed by a mumbled “so hawt in here.”  She insists “we don’t need to touch, just breathe on me,” but that seems weird. Her sharp inhales, along with the sultry whisper in which she sings most of the song, all add to the overall aura—one not of breathing on your partner, but intercourse.

3. Donna Summer — Love to Love You Baby

I think the version I danced to at bat-mitzvahs was PG-edited (or, more likely, the No Doubt cover) because otherwise I may have noticed that this song is, essentially, sung over the audio from a porn tape. Subtlety is for squares.

4. Respect — Biggie

Starts with the story of Biggies life. From “ten months in this gut” (aw, embryo Biggie!) all the way to “thirteen, smoking blunts, making cream on the drug scene.” What happens after that? Some audio of Biggie getting his d sucked. *Real audio. (Diddy said so—it’s true.) (Also, it’s a little gross.)

5. Bomb Ass Pussy — Tha Dogg Pound

She knows she’s got some bomb ass pussy. And I know that she knows—because she says so.

Now go fuck yourselves.

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