Since it’s Valentine’s Week (it’s now a week), we decided to revisit this instant classic from 2013. If you’re one of the few, the brave, the online dater, you may also want to check out our 10 Commandments of Tinder. -ed.
Though it was once almost universally panned, Online Dating has turned out to be a rewarding process in the modern dating scene (Thanks, Hinge!). More and more people seem to meet each other over the internet these days, and the numbers continue to grow.
Still, many other people seem to think that if you’re trying to find your special someone via the internet, you must be some kind of socially inept weirdo. Certainly there are normal people, and there are absolutely creeps and eye rolling stereotypes-come-to-life. It can go either way, and today we’re leaning towards the latter category.
When writing, especially in profiles, clichés indicate that someone couldn’t think of anything better to say. They’re cheap and, like stereotypes, unfair. We’ll be honest here: we simply fucking can’t abide cliches. Under that banner, here are our least favorite (admittedly straight and white) character types that grind our gears:
- The Weirdo
This guy comes initially comes off as gentle, youthful, and a bit of a softy. That is, until you read through his profile a couple more times and realize that going on a date with him probably means avoiding any place within a few hundred feet of a school, church, or daycare.
My self summary: I’m just an average guy living the dream in DC. I’m laid back and love to laugh. I know I’ve got a couple years on most of the guys on here, but everyone says I appear younger than I am. What I’m doing with my life: Staying young by going to concerts, hanging out at Tyson’s (girls, you can go shopping at Forever 21 and I will hold your purse for you), meeting new people.
I’m really good at: being young at heart, gauging distance (I can tell you exactly how far 500 feet is from any given point).
The first things people usually notice about me: I like to wink 😉
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: Book – Lolita; Show – Honey Boo Boo; Music – Justin Bieber; Food – Zima
On a typical Friday night I am: Probably seen on the blooper reel from “To Catch a Predator.”
You should message him if: You’re comfortable with the thought that someone may be hired to play you in a dramatic reenactment on “Dateline.”
- Northern Virginia Southern Greeklife Blonde
This girl just graduated from an ACC or SEC school and is shocked by big city life over in Ballston.
My self summary: Fashionista PR Maven [Non Redskins NFL team] Foodie Boy Crazy Synergistic Networker Wino Music Lover Super Random Love The Bachelor(!!!)
What I’m doing with my life: ~Dance Like No One Is Watching, Love Like You’ve Never Been Kissed At A Ray LaMontagne Concert~
I’m really good at: Getting drunk with my besties and doing karaoke of all the best classic rock songs and Mariah Carey
The first things people usually notice about me: My eyes or my hair … Idk, you tell me!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: All sorts of music! Avett Brothers, Mumford And Sons, DMB, basically everything. Books: Anything by Chelsea Handler; Movies: Pretty Woman, Love Actually, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days; TV: The Bachelor!! The Bacherlorette!! Anything by Chelsea Handler.
The six things I could never do without: my iPhone, the Bachelor, Friends, Lip Gloss, Wine, Air (lol)
I spend a lot of time thinking about: Puppies and bubble tea and summer and boys
On a typical Friday night I am: Out with all my DG betches from JMU!!
The most private thing I am willing to admit: That I’m on OkCupid, lol so random and weird!
I’m looking for: I suck at writing these things, lol. I’m here looking for my “partner in crime,” I Work hard and I play hard, I love to laugh. And I’m not your typical girl: I get along mostly with guys/dudes I’m just as happy out for beers like one of the guys, hanging out with pizza and a movie or out on the town!
You should message her if: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. ~God is Love~
- The Fed
Ladies, this man just became a GS-13, and he wants to spend it all on you. Well, after he spends it on rent for his junior 1-bedroom in Logan, weekly beer sampling and Untappd check-ins at Churchkey, and school loans for his underutilized MPP degree…
My self summary: I have the typical DC story, came here for school (GO COLONIALS!) and stayed because it’s so awesome. I work for a large government agency. I can’t tell you the name but it has three letters. J Here’s a hint, it’s in Foggy Bottom and my new boss is John Kerry. (Though most likely working at a desk job in the creepiest, most boring floor of HST, this man would like you to believe that he is supporting American diplomacy abroad. He’s probably playing Minesweeper as we speak).
What I’m doing with my life: Living life to the fullest all day, every day (using incredibly broad platitudes and motivationals found inside Dove chocolate wrappers).
I’m really good at: Working for the man, getting paid, following the rules at The Saloon, using the perfect amount of starch in my shirts, singing “I Want It That Way” at Peyote on a Saturday night.
The first things people usually notice about me: I dunno you tell me lol (WHY IS THIS A THING?)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: I love to read and am a huge movie fan. My favorite book is Ender’s Game, and my favorite movie is Billy Madison. (Notice how he says he loves to read and is a movie fan, though nothing he lists merits that statement)
The six things I could never do without: My friends, my family, air, food, beer, love (don’t forget clichés…)
I spend a lot of time thinking about: Sequestration
On a typical Friday night I am: What does typical mean? (Tries to be clever and evasive; fails.)
The most private thing I am willing to admit: If I told you, I would have to kill you. J (Classic douche.)
I’m looking for: Women age 21-27 (doesn’t want to take a chance on anyone the same age or older than he is. If Samantha from Sex and the City taught us anything, it’s that older women are terrifying sea hags). I’m looking for someone who wants a guy who will treat you like a lady but still respect you (read: you’re going halfsies on your date). If you’re a 5’2 blonde who can do a keg stand in heels and loves the (insert sports franchise here), I will propose immediately.
You should message him if: You don’t actually care to converse with people, just hump them.
- Manic Pixie Threesome Girl
This girl at first seems pretty cool since she’s so into populist indie arts and entertainment and her photos look very promising. Her mailbox tends to always be full, but fuck it, maybe just camp out and see when you can shoot her a message–oh, nevermind, there’s sort of a catch. Read to the bottom to find out…
My self summary: I knew when I was 6 and felt a little tingle from Jordan Knight from NKTOB that I wasn’t a lesbian. No like literally – I am a total horn dog. HAHAH!! I love me some dudes, I can’t deny that … but in the same breath, I can’t deny how unbelievably beautiful women are. I like watching girl on girl porn, and even had my first threesome when I was 19.
What I’m doing with my life: I’ll tell you later 😉
The first things people usually notice about me: My massive breasts disproportionate with my tiny body
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: The XX Passion Pit The Yeah Yeah Yeahs Fleet Foxes TV On The Radio Grizzly Bear Micachu and the Shapes Wavves Steve Aoki Joanna Newsom Devendra Banhart Animal Collective The Antlers Vivian Girls Vampire Weekend Death Cab for Cutie Neon Indian She & Him Bon Iver Washed Out Memory Tapes The Shins Radiohead Tegan & Sara St. Vincent Drake Ra Ra Riot Bat for Lashes Japandroids Kimya Dawson Girls Kid Cudi The Flaming Lips Antony and the Johnsons Matt and Kim Here We Go Magic Phoenix Sufjan Stevens M.I.A. Regina Spektor Justice Arcade Fire Deerhunter Wilco YACHT Ratatat Patrick Wolf CSS Woods Spoon Dirty Projectors [list continues for 3 pages]
The six things I could never do without: Coffee My boyfriend (still looking for one more though…) dogs music camera sex
I spend a lot of time thinking about: Why women are so hot!
On a typical Friday night I am: Out with my boyfriend scouting for talent
The most private thing I am willing to admit: I’m pierced in 17 places other than my face 😉
I’m looking for: Men or women (though I have a slight preference for the ladiez xoxox)
You should message her if: You wanna meet up with me and my boyfriend, talk about fetishes, and then maybe go back to our place and do some poppers/molly/fuckdrugs and have a wylde night!
- The Bro
There are those guys who at first blush seem like they have a rich, full life. Then you start to realize that their profile isn’t so much an advertisement to lure in women, as it is a talisman against them. You start thinking, “Why is this guy on OK Cupid if it doesn’t seem like he actually wants a date? Was he put up to this? Is he just afraid?” Please meet: The Bro. He’s not really looking for a relationship, maybe just something casual, because a relationship would really put a crimp in his Bro lifestyle. And judging by the sheer degree of bro-references, heteronormativity might be putting a crimp in his Bro lifestyle too.
Height: 6’ (IRL: 5’10. Every guy lies on OK Cupid. Every one.)
My self summary: DC chillin’, JMU grad livin’ it up in our nation’s capitol.
What I’m doing with my life: Hanging in the best Clarendon house ever, the Fortress of Bro-itude. There’s always a game of Beirut going with my best bros.
I’m really good at: Kicking your ass in flip cup, watching Red Zone.
The first things people usually notice about me: Uh probably my sweet bod from working it at the gym?
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: 300, A Few Good Men
The six things I could never do without: Going to the gym with my bros, game night with the roomies, tackle football on the mall with my friends
I spend a lot of time thinking about: How awesome my life is. I live in a great place with my best friends and wouldn’t change a thing.
On a typical Friday night I am: relaxing at home with a beer and my roommates.
The most private thing I am willing to admit: I don’t really know how this whole dating thing works. Chicks seem really demanding.
I’m looking for: Women, Activity Partners, Casual Sex. Also NW or GTFO.
You should message him if: You’re not really looking for someone, either.
Bleeding Heart Non Profit Travelista
Profile Photo: Posing in front of the Eiffel Tower or Pyramids or Macchu Pichu
My Self- Summary I LOVE TRAVELING. I reeeally care about the Barbary Lion, Catarina Pupfish, Hawaiian Crow, Northern White Rhinoceros, Scimitar Oryx, Socorro Dove, and the Wyoming Toad. And if you don’t then that may be a dealbreaker. Other than that I am really down-to-earth and I love dancing/being outdoors/hanging out with my friends. Love yoga. I love to have fun. I’m grounded and sweet but I definitely have a wild side!
What I’m Doing With My Life Dancing like no one is watching, lol. No just kidding, having borderline deathwishes about anyone who doesn’t care about the Barbary Lion, Catarina Pupfish, Hawaiian Crow, Northern White Rhinoceros, Scimitar Oryx, Socorro Dove, and the Wyoming Toad.
I’m Really Good At Staying positive. Making you laugh.
The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me What? Who’s noticing me? Should I be concerned? O_o LOL – probably how much I talk about where I’ve been, where I plan to travel to next, and what’s on my wish list. omg I want to visit the whole world
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, food – Movies: The Silent World, Living Planet, All About Dolphins, Cousteau: Alaska – Outrage at Valdez, Cousteau: Lilliput in Antarctica, Cousteau: Papua New Guinea – Center of Fire, Cousteau: Tahiti – Fire Waters, Cousteau: Amazon – Snowstorm in the Jungle and Rigging for the Amazon, Cousteau Odyssey 1: The Nile; Books: I only read non fiction; Music: Afrobeat Afro-Pop Cajun Caribbean Celtic Celtic Folk Contemporary Celtic Drinking Songs Gypsy Folk Hawaii Indian Pop Japanese Pop Klezmer Polka Worldbeat Zydeco and all the other genres I’ve run into during my travels
Food – I. am. such. a. foodie!! Sushi, Falafel, Brazilian Cajun Chinese Cuban Ethiopian French German Indian Jamaican Japanese Korean Mexican Middle Eastern Polynesian, Russian, Scandanavian Vegetarian Thai Vietnamese. If I have trouble pronouncing it, I want it in my mouth — maybe the same rule applies to your name lol, 20% kidding
The six things I could never live without: My travel journal, yoga, music, chai lattes, the Barbary Lion, Catarina Pupfish, Hawaiian Crow, Northern White Rhinoceros, Scimitar Oryx, Socorro Dove, and the Wyoming Toad
I spend a lot of time thinking about: Why doesn’t anyone care about the world like I do? Travel! How to live my life to the fullest
On a typical Friday night I am: One week I could be at a trendy new international cuisine place in U Steet or Dupont, and the next I could be belly dancing with my class on H Street… as long as it’s a good time with people with overly sensitive amounts of empathy and spirituality for the world and like to talk about traveling.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit …that I haven’t eaten a hamburger or slice of pizza (unless it’s fresh on the streets of Napoli) in 5 years.
You should message me if
1) You are confident
2) You can dish it out just as well as you can take it
3) You know what real integrity is and it has a strong foundation within your life
4) You love animals
5) You’re active/enjoy working out
6) You’re not intimidated by a woman that knows what she wants and intends to get it
7) You love a good discussion/debate
8) You want to!
- EVERY GUY ON OKC IN DC, EVER
This man just got back from a long stint holding impoverished children in awkward Instagram photos, and is now working as a faceless contractor for USAID/World Bank/IMF/The Borg. The only thing he loves more than international development is telling you all about international development over injera at Zenebech, although he went “before it was cool.”
Photo: guy posing with impoverished African children
My self summary: Just joined here to make new friends, see what develops, and expand my social circle! I work long and weird hours so it tends to get difficult to meet new people.
What I’m doing with my life: Saving the world, I’m really good at: Fixing bikes on the weekend, hanging out at Big Bear, sarcasm (I start to wonder if “sarcasm” is some kind of secret KGB code, based on how frequently it appears on DC-area profiles)
The first things people usually notice about me: My World Bank badge
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: Bon Iver, The Hold Steady, The National, The Mountain Goats, The Rural Alberta Advantage, Neutral Milk Hotel, Mother Mother, Man Man, The Thermals, Modest Mouse, Titus Andronicus, Tokyo Police Club, Le Loup, The Dodos, Cut Copy, Times New Viking, Dirty Projectors, Yeasayer, Andrew Bird, David Byrne…(this is just the tip of the iceberg. This type of gentleman will have easily a half page devoted strictly to bands. This is not a tactic used to actually express his musical taste; rather, he is judging your profile for compatibility based on the listing of these bands.) Book: Kurt Vonnegut, On The Road
The six things I could never do without: My Warby Parkers, sarcasm, Kurt Vonnegut, travel, healing the world one Peace Corps stint at a time, sarcasm
I spend a lot of time thinking about: Which is better, Kafe Boehm or Big Bear. Also, microcredit.
On a typical Friday night I am: Out and about on U Street, or house parties hearing new music
The most private thing I am willing to admit: I want to save all of the orphans! (this response is great. It is like a humblebrag in a job interview, when you name your strength instead of the requested weakness. This type of person excels at these responses)
I’m looking for: Fit women ages 18-25 (While no one knows what the official definition of “Fit” is, everyone can agree that it gives only one impression when invoked: No Fatties.)
You should message him if: You’re looking for someone with no original opinions, and who wants to regale you with stories of eating horse anus in the desert to save the orphans, or whatever.
- Why Are You Here Woman
This profile often crops up when you’re doing your usual click-thrus of profile pages, and bam there’s a woman (or man, as we’ve seen) that’s at least 2 decades older than everyone in your peer range. Her profile is a dramatic clusterfuck and she likely gets no messages beyond the usual, creepy “Hey show me ur tits, i’ll show u m,y big dikc.” You can tell that she doesn’t play by the rules when her entire profile is lodged into the first self summary category and nothing else. Intense, and probably has 3 kids she’s reluctant to tell you about:
My Self- Summary If you too, find online internet dating and the message boards very harsh, maybe we might just get along.
I am not looking on an internet dating site at the moment. I am feeling cautious about internet dating. There is simply so much dishonesty and crassness on this site from tacky men. Then of course there are the boozers who hide behind a computer and suck away on their brown froth. Very very unattractive and repulsive.
Any “boy” that wants to tell me lies please don’t even look once at me, let alone twice. I have no interest in dishonest “boys”. Only immature cowards with low self esteem tell fibs. They bore me to tears.
Oh, and the “boys” only looking for sex on this site please don’t even look once at me either. I desire a mature man wanting a relationship.
The other thing that concerns me about internet dating is how many men have slept with how many women on here. It’s a candy store for men on here. I don’t fancy catching any yucky bugs from floosie men that have slept around.
I am a bug-free genuine woman looking for a bug-free genuine man.
Will I find that on here…..I’m really not sure that I will.
I am fussy.
I would like to get to know you before I become more intimate sexually with you. I need to know that I can trust you with my heart and soul. I am looking for a nice, normal kind hearted man who understands my sensitive, perceptive nature.
I won’t be settling for anything less than the best.
Lowest Common Denominator
This man seemingly wants a cookie just for showing up. His profile says absolutely nothing, except for the fact that he’s extremely proud of himself for expelling carbon dioxide, pooping in a contained area, and flossing like a fucking champ.
My self summary: Taking a risk and venturing out into the world of online dating. I’m a fun, outgoing, guy who likes to have a good time, all the time.
What I’m doing with my life: Working 9-5, sometimes longer hours too, but I’m not afraid to do that for my job because I love it. I’m really proud of myself for holding down a job and paying my rent on time!
I’m really good at: Showering daily, calling my parents once a week, breathing on command.
The first things people usually notice about me: My matching socks.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: Kurt Vonnegut
The six things I could never do without: My friends, my family, air, food, cheese, fiat currency.
I spend a lot of time thinking about: Why we do the things we do.
On a typical Friday night I am: At U Street, AdMo, or CoHi.
The most private thing I am willing to admit: I know what fabric softener does.
I’m looking for: Women who are tired of jerks and are looking for a genuine nice guy, who only wants her love, affection, and unquestionable devotion in return.
You should message him if: You’re impressed by a man with a job.
Online Dating drinking game:
Take a drink every time you see on a profile:
“Partner in crime”
Work hard, play hard
“All music except country or rap”
“No such thing as a typical Friday night”
Loves to travel, but mentions nowhere noteworthy or significant
Love to go out but also happy to stay in
The Big Lebowski