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Glittered facial hair is all the rage on ye olde interwebs as of late, and while I’ve seen a couple of outlets hop on the bandwagon to test out the trend, none of them answered this question: DOES GLITTERED FACIAL HAIR IMPROVE WINTER BUMMED OUT TIMES?! Since I am supposed to be in Miami right now but am stranded in Brooklyn, and also because I have been feeling generally pretty womp-wompish, I figured no person was better equipped to get to the bottom of my own curiosity than me. And so that is how we have arrived at this moment.

PREPARATION: The first step was to purchase the glitter, which was acquired from a weird close-out store behind my apartment called “Deals”. (You can buy things like expired candy and batteries for a dollar there, but they also sell bargain glitter.) After returning home with the glitter, I set out choosing a temporary adhesive. (Ultimately I went with sunscreen because it smells like summertime, aka the opposite of right now.) And what facial hair would I be glittering?! While it could probably be argued I have a slight beard, it’s not nearly enough to look even remotely impressive when glittered. So I decided to glitter my eyebrows instead.

THE APPLICATION PROCESS: I wasn’t sure how I’d apply the actual glitter, so I went ahead and dealt with the sunscreen-to-eyebrow ratio first. Once my browskies were primed, I first tried to apply the glitter with my hands, but this seemed ineffective, SO I switched my method; I poured a line of glitter out onto a piece of computer paper, and then I slammed my forehead into that and mashed it around for a while. (I would like to think that if I had my own 90’s family TV show, this would be the moment I looked into the camera to be like, “OH HI AMERICA I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE // FREEZE FRAME // LOOK AT MY NAME!”) While I’m sure there are neater, less aggressive ways of applying the glitter, AIN’T NOBODY (aka ain’t me, anyway) GOT TIME FOR THAT.

THE RESULTS: As I say, I was not the most careful with my application of glitter, so my brows appeared extra thick, but I also feel like that boosted the overall drama of the look. But for the real test: did it make me feel any less bummed out about life? I would say weirdly yes! It’s hard to look at yourself in a mirror when your eyebrows have been heavily coated in purple sparkles and not be like, “Okay, maybe things don’t suck THAT much…” Like, was it equivalent to winning the lottery or watching an entire season of The Great British Baking Show? No, definitely not! But it was a nice afternoon pick-me-up that was surprisingly easy to clean up (granted, I’m sure I’ll be finding mystery surprise glitter forever but SO WHAT WHO CARES), and now I feel ready to conquer the afternoon inbox rush-hour.

BOTTOM LINE: Like, probably do this! It would probably be more fun in a group setting, but I am #FOREVERALONE (at least during office hours), so who really knows for sure? A dollar well-spent, and now I can glitter-bomb people I hate with the red and gold glitter varieties that remain unopened!